The Cocktail Lounge

[EricMontreal22]

I can't count how many--but not with vomit mouth. (Actually, prob at some point... Though when I was 20 and younger and started going out I usually was the one who would vomit, sigh)

Anyway--I haven't read a lot of this thread so had no idea you were so... virginal. I'm shocked. But I totally get your feelings--I've definitely been in similar situations, though not in a while thank god. Will you run into him again--I mean is that a "risk"? Did he know you were gay when he first started talking to you? I wouldn't worry about the age thing--while I avoid now (but I'm ancient) anyone that young just cuz they usually are a mess, a five year diff is hardly shocking, and he was graduated from high school.

[SFK]

AMS, boy, do you know how to tell a story or WHAT!? I swear to God, you are infinitely better than those SATC/Carrie Diaries voiceovers. You have a gift. You need to write for a living. I speak it into existence. Shahndelleebooshattaboseesko!

[All My Shadows]

At this point, I'm not sure what the chances are of us seeing each other again. Actually, we've already "seen" each other since our little night of passion. I was texting one of my friends about the situation while on my way to return something at the music store in our local mall, and lo and behold, just as I turned the corner to approach the store, guess who's already on his inside. I didn't have my glasses on, so I figured my mind was just playing tricks on me, so I forgot about it. I walked in, brushed right past him as he was going in another direction, and then I realized it was him, and he was with his mother and two little brothers. SO. AWKWARD. GUYS. OMG. I handled my return at the counter and refused to look back. I heard one of the kids say his name, so I knew for sure it was him. I texted him later about it -- just a harmless message about how I was pretty sure I saw him at the mall and that it was awkward (with the requisite "haha" thrown in there). He asked "Where?" and I elaborated, and he hasn't responded since. This was Tuesday. For a second, I was freaking out because it's like "OMG he thinks I'm stalking him now!" It's crazy because I put off returning that DVD for days, and the freaking day I decide to go and bring it back just happens to be the day he's there. Just...ugh.

I actually discussed with a friend last night the possibility of our mutual friend throwing another party, which is highly likely since they're gonna be a pair of college girls living in a house together. Would I go if he was there? Absolutely. Yes. If only to get laid again, because maybe we were both nervous, but that sh!t was good. But also to try to talk again. IDK. I feel like we could really understand each other if we had the opportunity to shed whatever awkwardness was created by us having sex. Of course, he'll be shipping out to join the Air Force soon, so whatever would come out of a second meeting would have to take that into consideration.

He knew I was gay. When we were talking alone out on the patio the first time, he kept telling me that he "just had a feeling" that I would "understand" him, and he kept saying "You just seem to be homosexual to me. Is that okay? Can I say that? I mean, I just feel like you're homosexual, and I can trust you." He thinks his friends don't know of his sexual preferences, but according to our mutual friend, he's already told a few of them and just about everyone knows by now. And he's done things with guys before, though I'm sure that was all just foreplay.

The age difference doesn't bother me in the least, but a circumstance tied to the age difference had the potential to be a REAL ironic, WTF thing. Two months ago, I was a regular substitute teacher and he was a student -- AT THE SAME SCHOOL. I don't recall ever having him as a student in any of my classes, but I wouldn't be surprised if he passed each other in the hall once or twice, completely unaware of the fact that we'd be sleeping together two nights after the 4th of July. I mean, he's legal and he's graduated, and I'm still so young, but jeez, imagine if his parents found out.

Aw thanks!! I want SO desperately to publish my memoirs a few decades down the road! People tell me I'm good at sharing stories but orally and in written form, and I want to do something with all of this stuff that happens to me. The fact that all of this affects me to my core as a person means I'll never ever forget a single detail, so it's all just sitting here in my head, ready to be shared.

[Soapsuds]

Yeah, I dont think I would put AMS book down if he published one.

[Soapsuds]

First, I am shocked there are still music stores in the malls...lol. There isn't one around here anymore. They were all shut down...sad but true. I guess iTunes and Amazon have made most music stores shut down.

As for seeing him again with his mom and brothers....I would have done a soap moment with it.....I slept with your son ala Brooke Logan.....hehe

Bisexual/Air Force guys are dangerous...lol....I know ..the last guy I liked was so bi and joined the air force and a total jerk......

I guess you can have your fun until he leaves to the air force....cause it appears thats all he is interested in....I am sure once he leaves to the air force he will be whoring it up....lol...

Nah...my cousin put it on her Facebook account and I just copied and pasted it here. Funny that you are pisces...hehe.....my cousin, not the one who posted this, is a pisces too. Of course I am a Virgo...lol....

[All My Shadows]

OK, so update time!!

So, nearly three months ago, I had a one-night stand with an eighteen-year-old. It was a crazy night. We met, we talked, we drank. He threw up, I held his long, emo hair back. He slept, I slept. I woke up, he woke up. He wanted me, and I wanted him. We did it, and he thanked me, and I left. We talked about it the following night, and then it was over. The time went by, and I slowly accepted that our night of passion would remain just that: a night of passion, never to become a significant connection.

This coming Saturday night, however, a going-away party will be given in his honor as he prepares to start a career with the US Air Force, and our mutual friend, who I've hung out with a lot this summer, has asked me if I'd like to attend with her. Of course, part of me wants to go. I've gotten over it for the MOST part, but I have several reasons for wanting to go. First off, I want to go just to get out and have a little fun. Some things, completely unrelated to my love life, have been causing me great strife in the last few weeks, and most of my friends are busy with their own drama for us to really have a good old-fashioned get-together. Just like I did the night I met the graduate, I'm looking to have a few drinks and a good time. Second, I want to prove a point. You do NOT get AMS into bed and then just walk away because you're done with him. If my d!ck is the last thing on your mind as you enter the Air Force, then I win. Third, I need CLOSURE. I discussed this with a friend today. I need closure in every single interaction I have with people, from strangers on the street to my closest friends and family. If I have a fight with someone I care about, I will not sleep at night until we've resolved it. Because I'm so extremely vulnerable when it comes to sex, I need more closure than "Thanks for taking care of me Here's my number." Did I do something wrong? Was there anything I could have done that night or the next day to cause the situation to change for the better? Or was he just a drunk kid looking to have fun with anyone willing to give it to him? Would he have had sex with...idk...Betty White, if she'd been present? Even if I go to this party and all he ever says to me is a sincere "Thanks for coming," that's closure enough.

But then there's the part of me that's like...ummm WTF? WHY go to this function? There is a VERY little chance that I can go to this party WITHOUT looking like a desperate creeper trying to creep. I go there, and he sees me, and it's like "Dafuq, it was only a one-night stand! Why are you here with my friends who know me and care about me? Why are you intruding on this?" Mind you, I am NOT trying to corner this dude in the darkness with plans to go all Fatal Attraction on him. I just want to go to a party, maybe/maybe-not get a little closure from something that happened this summer, and let that be the end of it. If, by some random chance, something goes beyond that, then that's a bring I'll cross when/if I get to it. But if it DOESN'T go that way, I won't be a disappointed mess.

At the end of the day, though, the question remains. Why can't I just be like those people who go out to bars/clubs, f!ck a random guy, and then never speak to him ever again or want to speak to him ever again? Why do I have to fcking catch FEELINGS for the most insignificant of people? And I say this kid is insignificant, but I know that's not true. We talked! He told me some deep things! He's going to the Air Force, but the *only* reason he's going is his parents can't afford college and his stepfather wants him out of the house. Jesus, his life is still dictated by his parents. WHY am I hung up on someone who was born after the OJ Simpson trial?

But whatever. My friend suggested that she ask him if she could bring me along to the party. And I'm like WTF NO DON'T DO THAT!!! "Hey, that guy who you had sex with that one night three months ago wants to come to your going-away party. Can he?" But she says she'll word it in a way that doesn't make me look pathetic. A heroic feat, for sure. I feel nothing pathetic about this entire thing. I'm 23-years-old. I should be more emotionally mature than this. I should have my sh!t together by now. But I don't, and I really don't know or understand why. I'm making decisions with the mind of a naive 16-year-old girl. But I just look like a desperate man who is socially retarded. What in the F.U.C.K. is my life, and what in the HELL are my choices?

Meanwhile, I'm over the infamous Scott, but we've become very close friends. Do I still think about the possibilities there now and then? Yes, of course. But he no longer has the power to break my heart, and it's a good feeling.

[Khan]

I don't think you should go. If merely THINKING about going brings you angst, then is it worth the trouble? If nothing else, you will be too filled with conflicting thoughts and emotions to relax and have a good time. But that's my opinion, FWIW.

[Bright Eyes]

Or, you could just get high/drunk before you go. That's what a normal 23 year old would do. Some courage incentive works and it be nice of you to have another hook-up with him before he's sent on his way.

[SFK]

I don't think you should go either. I don't think you're going to get the closure you're looking for. At least not at that party. I think he'll be caught off guard if you show up without him knowing in advance, so it's probably best that your friend does let him know that you plan to attend (at the risk of him suggesting that you do not). I truly believe that he likes you but I think he'll be too consumed with the fact that he's about to join the freaking service and saying goodbye to his older, closer friends. You guys need to go for ice cream or something and talk. I was going to say meet for drinks but then I remembered HE LEGALLY CAN'T! Maybe you and your mutual friend should tell him that you want to take him out before he leaves. You drive. The three of you have a nice time. You drop your friend off first (she knows the plan ahead of time). You take him home and you guys have a chance to talk. Perhaps more. Point is, you get your one-on-one closure time.

[SFK]

I just worry that you'll get there and he'll smile and greet you, but politely be brushing you off all night.

Not that I'm worried about you, or him for that matter, and if I'm being too personal (HA! Look at this damn thread!) please pardon me, you don't have to answer, but were you two safe?

[All My Shadows]

If enough people here and elsewhere in my life can convince me not to go, then I would definitely not go lol As of now, you two are the only ones who think I shouldn't go. But then again, this isn't something I openly discuss with everyone in my circle. We shall see.

I do know that if I go and we don't even spend a millisecond speaking to each other, I'll feel as if the whole thing was a failure, but then that's where the part about me just wanting to have a good time factors in. I think because it's been so long and I've accepted the possibility that he saw the night as something other than what I saw it is, then him ignoring me or not noticing me or whatever won't be a big deal because I'm not expecting much. I can get a few drinks in and chill. Drinking before I go could be a good plan because I'm generally less brooding when I'm drunk, and for those of you who remember The Great Drama of 2012, drinking definitely helped me through that mess (without me becoming an alcoholic!). We'll see what happens.

I don't think I'd be comfortable with just us or us and our mutual friend in an outing that was planned. But then again, he's been posting on Facebook about how he's "leaving in a week, so if you want to hang out, let me know." Of course, that's meant for his friends, but I think back to his constant cries of "No one cares about me, no one likes me, I have no friends" blah blah blah, and it's like...what if he's secretly thinking "You said you thought I was alright and you said you'd be my friend...but I guess after you f!cked me, you don't care anymore." See, that's another angle at which I've been viewing this. He's younger...he's more naive...he's less confident. He incorrectly thinks I'm more worldly, sophisticated, experienced, etc. What if he thinks I got what I wanted out of him and it makes no sense for him to try to start a conversation with me because, really, what would a 23-year-old with a bachelor's and half a master's want with a high school grad who's on his way to the military? Besides an easy lay? I don't see him that way. After the things we talked about that night, I just can't. There was something more, but then I feel ridiculous for even thinking that. Because it was JUST. ONE. NIGHT. And we were both buzzed and drunk and hungover.

We didn't use protection. He asked if I had any, and neither of us did, but after a while, he didn't care anymore and just wanted to do it, so we did. My friend doesn't think I have anything to worry about, and I'm fairly positive I don't, but all of my other friends think I should go get tested anyway. Which is a foreign concept to me because I had absolutely no sexual contact with anyone for nearly ten freaking years.

ETA: Another reason why I want to go. He plays in a band (ugh yeah I know), and we talked a lot about music. We even kinda had this weirdly sweet moment where we kinda sang a song together on the floor of my friend's guest room until we fell asleep next to each other. The going-away party is also somewhat of a concert where he and the rest of the guys will get together to perform some of their songs one last time before he goes. Given that we talked so much about it and that I told him that I'd like to hear him play some time, I kinda want to go and hear him play.

[Mr. Vixen]

I believe you should go. Have your friend bring it up to him first, though.

[All My Shadows]

That's the plan at the current moment. I really want this to not be a big deal, y'all, I really do. Part of me wants the satisfaction of going and enjoying myself no matter what and moving on. If I don't go, I'll die wondering what if.

[Khan]

More likely, if you don't go, you'll discover something "down the road" that'll make you say, "I'm SO glad I didn't go!".

[Soapsuds]

Hmm...AMS were we seperated at birth?? We see things the same way. I think you should go. I don't recall your living arrangements but I would have seen him more during the summer since it seems you care for him. Maybe you could have been rommmates....him getting a job and going to work part-time and you with your job....would have solved him going to the Air Force which seems like he doesnt want to go and you getting to know him better by being roommmates...sharing an apartment together.....just my thoughts of course.