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MODERN FAMILY - Episode Information and Ratings (Numbers are from Nielsen Media Research)

Live+7 Total Viewers = Live Viewers + DVR playback up to 7 days later (Live + 7)

Live+SD Total Viewers = Live Viewers + Same Day DVR playback (Live + Same Day)

Live Total Viewers = Live Viewers

18-49 = Live + SD Numbers

Season 2

Timeslot: Wednesday at 9pm

Episode 2.1: "The Old Wagon"

Air Date: September 22, 2010

Written By: Bill Wrubel

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 15.47 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 12.67 million

18-49: 5.1/14

18-49 Live+7: 6.4

Episode 2.2: "The Kiss"

Air Date: September 29, 2010

Written By: Abraham Higginbotham

Directed By: Scott Ellis

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.95 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.92 million

18-49: 4.6/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.1

Episode 2.3: "Earthquake"

Air Date: October 6, 2010

Written By: Paul Corrigan & Brad Walsh

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.41 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.44 million

18-49: 4.6/12

18-49 Live+7: 6.1

Episode 2.4: "Strangers on a Treadmill"

Air Date: October 13, 2010

Written By: Danny Zuker

Directed By: Scott Ellis

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.39 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.45 million

18-49: 4.8/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.5: "Unplugged"

Air Date: October 20, 2010

Written By: Steven Levitan

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.92 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.97 million

18-49: 4.7/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.6: "Halloween"

Air Date: October 27, 2010

Written By: Jeffrey Richman

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 16.29 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 13.14 million

18-49: 5.1/14

18-49 Live+7: 6.6

Episode 2.7: "Chirp"

Air Date: November 3, 2010

Written By: Dan O’Shannon

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 15.20 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 12.24 million

18-49: 4.8/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.1

Episode 2.8: "Manny Get Your Gun"

Air Date: November 17, 2010

Teleplay By: Danny Zuker

Story By: Christopher Lloyd

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 15.25 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 12.09 million

18-49: 4.8/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.3

Episode 2.9: "Mother Tucker"

Air Date: November 24, 2010

Written By: Paul Corrigan & Brad Walsh

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers:

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.57 million

18-49: 3.7/12

18-49 Live+7:

Episode 2.10: "Dance Dance Revelation"

Air Date: December 8, 2010

Written By: Ilana Wernick

Directed By: Gail Mancuso

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.37 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.08 million

18-49: 4.2/11

18-49 Live+7: 5.8

Episode 2.11: "Slow Down Your Neighbors"

Air Date: January 5, 2011

Written By: Ilana Wernick

Directed By: Gail Mancuso

Live+7 Total Viewers: 15.21 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.83 million

18-49: 4.8/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.5

Timeslot: Wednesday at 9:20pm

Episode 2.12: "Our Children, Our Selves"

Air Date: January 12, 2011

Written By: Dan O’Shannon & Bill Wrubel

Directed By: Adam Shankman

Live+7 Total Viewers: 13.19 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 11.12 million

18-49: 4.2/11

18-49 Live+7: 5.2

Timeslot: Wednesday at 9pm

Episode 2.13: "Caught in the Act"

Air Date: January 19, 2011

Written By: Steven Levitan & Jeffrey Richman

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.41 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.94 million

18-49: 4.6/12

18-49 Live+7: 6.3

Episode 2.14: "Bixby's Back"

Air Date: February 9, 2011

Written By: Danny Zuker

Directed By: Chris Koch

Live+7 Total Viewers: 16.47 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 13.16 million

18-49: 5.1/13

18-49 Live+7: 6.8

Episode 2.15: "Princess Party"

Air Date: February 16, 2011

Written By: Elaine Ko

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.33 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.57 million

18-49: 4.3/12

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.16: "Regrets Only"

Air Date: February 23, 2011

Written By: Abraham Higginbotham

Directed By: Dean Parisot

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.26 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.17 million

18-49: 4.1/11

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.17: "Two Monkeys and a Panda"

Air Date: March 2, 2011

Written By: Carol Leifer

Directed By: Beth McCarthy Miller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 13.90 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.11 million

18-49: 4.1/11

18-49 Live+7: 6.0

Episode 2.18: "Boys' Night"

Air Date: March 23, 2011

Written By: Steven Levitan & Jeffrey Richman

Directed By: Chris Koch

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.49 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.90 million

18-49: 4.4/12

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.19: "The Musical Man"

Air Date: April 13, 2011

Written By: Paul Corrigan & Brad Walsh

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.15 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 9.61 million

18-49: 3.9/10

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.20: "Someone to Watch Over Lily"

Air Date: April 20, 2011

Written By: Bill Wrubel

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.18 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 9.95 million

18-49: 3.8/10

18-49 Live+7: 5.9

Episode 2.21: "Mother's Day"

Air Date: May 4, 2011

Written By: Dan O’Shannon & Ilana Wernick

Directed By: Michael Spiller

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.04 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 9.90 million

18-49: 3.9/10

18-49 Live+7: 6.1

Episode 2.22: "Good Cop, Bad Dog"

Air Date: May 11, 2011

Teleplay By: Abraham Higginbotham & Jeffrey Richman

Story By: Abraham Higginbotham

Directed By: Fred Savage

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.60 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.15 million

18-49: 4.3/11

18-49 Live+7: 6.5

Episode 2.23: "See You Next Fall"

Air Date: May 18, 2011

Written By: Danny Zuker

Directed By: Steven Levitan

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14.61 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.30 million

18-49: 4.1/11

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Episode 2.24: "The One That Got Away"

Air Date: May 25, 2011

Written By: Paul Corrigan & Brad Walsh & Dan O’Shannon

Directed By: James Bagdonas

Live+7 Total Viewers: 14. 51 million

Live+SD Total Viewers: 10.31 million

18-49: 4.2/11

18-49 Live+7: 6.2

Season 1 - Episode information and ratings

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This show looks hilarious! I was laughing through the entire clip! Ty Burrell is so funny - I had the biggest laugh during that High School Musical scene in the clip. :lol:

I already like all three couples too.

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Ty Burrell is so awesome in this! Dude is hysterical. Also loved The Lion King entrance for the baby! I think this show has a chance to beat 30 Rock for Best Comedy at the Golden Globes, SAGs and Emmys.

Episode 1.1: "Pilot"

Woman: Honey, look at that baby with those cream puffs.

Mitchell: Okay, excuse me. Excuse me, but this baby would’ve grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn’t for us cream puffs, and you know what, to all of you who judge, here this, love knows no race, creed or gender. And shame on you, you small minded, ignorant fuge who…….

Cameron: Mitchell….

Mitchell: What?

Cameron: She’s got the cream puffs.

Mitchell: Oh…..

Cameron: We would like to pay for everyone’s headsets.

Phil: I’m the cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. L.O.L. – Laugh out loud. O.M.G. – Oh my God. W.T.F.- Why the face. Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical.

(cut to) Phil singing and dancing to a HSM song while the kids watching in embarrassment.

Phil and Claire scheduling a time to “shoot” their son Luke. :lol:

Clair: Shoot Luke...4:15

Phil: Sorry buddy. It's on the calender.

Gloria: Manny’s very passaionate, just like his father. My first husband, he’s very handsome but too crazy. It seem like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love. One time, I’m not kidding you, we fell out the window together.

Jay: Which one were you doing? I’m hearing this for the first time.

Manny: Brenda Feldman……

Gloria: What is that?

Manny: I poen I’ve written for Brenda Feldman.

Jay: Of course it is.

Manny: I put my thoughts into words and now my words into action.

Jay: Hey, I’ll give you 50 bucks not to do this.

Manny: I’m 11 years old, what I’m I going to do with money?

Jay: What are you going to do with a 16 year old?

Mall cop to Jay: Excuse me sir, we ask all mall walkers stay to the right.

(A bunch of old people mall walking passes by)

Claire: I know, and I know you like you make trouble for your sister but it’s not going to work this time. You know why? Cause your sister is a good girl. I know….I was just like her when I was……(pauses…then leaves)

Luke to his dad as he’s about to get shot: And why are you smiling?

Haley: Can you shut the door, please?

Claire: Actually, we’re just gonna go ahead and leave that open.

Haley: Why?

Claire: Because I’ve seen this little show before….lying on the bed with a tall senior. One minute you’re just friends watching Falcon Crest and next you’re lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.

Mitchell: My dad….uh….my dad isn’t still completely comfortable with….this. He still does this thing….it’s been 5 years now and he still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room we’re in just make sure he doesn’t ever have to see us kiss.

Cameron: Wish me mother had that system. Remember –

Mitchell: Not now.

Jay: Knock, knock, we’re here…..coming in.

Mitchell: Don’t worry dad, nothing gay going on here. May I take your multi-coloured coat and bejeweled hat.

Alex: Hey, where’s uncle Cameron?

Mitchell: Finally…..thank you…..someone who’s not insulting me notices he’s not here.

Jay: Oh, so that’s the big announcement. You two broke up. Well, a baby wasn’t going to help that any way. And let me say, you’re better off because he was a bit of a drama queen.

Mitchell: No, no, no, stop! You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend who by the way is not that dramatic.

(a song from The Lion King starts playing and Cameron walks out wearing a robe and holding the baby….. “The circle of life…” Cameron holds up the baby and a light is flashes on her)

Mitchell: We adopted a baby, her name is Lily.

Cameron: Exciting!

Mitchell: Just turn it off.

Cameron: I can’t turn if off, it’s who I am.

Mitchell: The music!

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This show is absolutely brilliant! The past two episodes were hilarious. When Phil got hit with the airplane and fell down to the ground, I was ROTFLMAO! And afterwards, "Don't move.....something might be broken," but Jay's checking on the plane instead of Phil. :lol:

Episode 1.4: "The Incident"

Everyone was so happy until the bird hit the window signaling the arrival of Grandma. :lol:

Phil: Why aren't they trying to hurt each other?

Claire: I don't know but I'm afraid to move.

Manny: I thought they were laughing at my funny take on current events!

Manny thoughtfully stroking his “beard.” :lol:

Cameron: I gave her diamond earrings, and she gave me....a hint.

Cameron: There are species of fish that carry their babies in their mouths. Those fish look at Mitchell's relationship with his Mother and think, ‘That's messed up.’

Cameron: Yeah, right. Last time your mother was in town, the refrigerator magnets rearranged themselves into a pentagr - Grandma!

Phil (before Dylan’s song): He’s perfect.

Phil (after Dylan’s song): Not a chance in hell. LMAO!!

Phil: I call it peer-renting.

Jay: Not my best parenting moment.

Mitchell: Not your worse either.

Gloria: What’s that on your face?

Manny: A smile from having fun with my friends.

Phil: I got Gloria! I got Gloria!

And then the end with everyone signing Dylan’s song. :lol:

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Episode 1.5: "Coal Digger"

Jay: What are you drinking coffee for, anyway?

Manny: It’s my culture – I’m Colombian.

Jay: Oh yeah….What culture are those French toaster sticks from.

Haley: Hey Mom…

Claire: Yeah..

Haley: Can I have 40 dollars for lunch?

Claire: 40 dollars?

Haley: I also need a book for school.

Claire: What book?

Haley: ….. I want a dress.

Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are.

Alex: I’d be more worried that she couldn’t come up with a single book title.

Claire: I will tell you what’s weird. Our son is not weird. What’s weird is her kid wears aftershave, dresses like a count.

Phil: I just hated when my two girls aren’t getting along.

Claire: How exactly is she your girl?

Cameron: Let’s go, Illini, let’s go right now.

Jay: Oh….looks like I gotta watch the game with Dick Butkus.

Mitchell: Dad….come on…that’s offensive.

Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to date ‘Cole’.

Gloria: What?

Manny: He said you were a Coal Digger.

Phil: Okay, I think we can move on.

Gloria: Who said I was a Coal Digger?

Luke: That’s why my mom told me.

Alex: What’s a Coal Digger?

Phil: Sweetheart, you heard it wrong, it’s Gold Digger.

Claire: I really do not….think that I remember ever saying that.

Luke: Well, you said it in the car, you said it at Christmas.

Phil: Claire likes to say you part of the problem or part of the solution. Well, I happen to believe you can be both.

Gloria: What do I have to give back so that everyone will trust me? Huh? These ear rings (tosses them on the bed)

Phil/Claire: No.

Gloria: What? This bracelet (tosses it on the bed)

Phil/Claire: No.

Gloria: My new dress?

Claire: No. (looks at Phil)

Phil: I didn’t respond because this shouldn’t be about me. It should be about you, talking to you about it.

Episode 1.6: "Run For Your Wife"

Phil: This navigation system is all messed up – it thinks we’re in a park. OH MY GOD IT IS A PARK!! AWAY FROM THE KIDS!!! AIM FOR THE LAKE!!

Cameron: I got Boo-Boo-Bear from the freezer.

Mitchell: Why do you have chocolate on your face?

Cameron: It was under a pie.

Mitchell: So you ate your way to eat?

Cameron: I made a judgment call….you weren’t there.

Mitchell: My dad has this perception that I was very flamboyant as kid which is just nonsense because I kept the whole gay thing under wraps. (cut to pictures of a young Mitchell in an apron cooking; in short-shorts) I was just a guy’s guy….I was basically a jock….you know.

Mitchell: We used to do this thing in school where they would give you an egg and you couldn’t break it. And it was suppose to teach you how hard it was to be a parent but the real thing is so much harder.

Cameron: We did that in my school too. It didn’t turn out so well – I went through a dozen eggs.

Mitchell: Well, he’s a nervous eater.

Cameron: No, I broke a dozen eggs.

Mitchell: Oh….I’m sorry…I just assumed that…..

Cameron: I know….I know what you assumed.

Gloria: I support Manny no matter what. Children need to know that you believe in them. It’s the most important thing. If you tell them they have wings, they will believe they can fly.

Jay: Oh really. I had a buddy, went to Woodstock, believed he could fly. Didn’t end great. It’s why hotel windows don’t open anymore.

Manny: Is something wrong? Who just died?

Gloria: No one, Manny.

Jay: Why would you even think that.

Gloria: In Colombia, Manny went to “Pablo Escobar Elementary School.” If you were pulled out of class, it was definitely to identify a body.

Jay: Well, we got your poncho here.

Manny: I thought you said it made me look like my neck was wearing a dress.

Jay: That was a joke.

Manny: Oh good, it’s still in the pocket.

Jay: What do you got there buddy?

Manny: My pan-flute. I’m going to play some Colombian folk music for my new classmates.

Jay: Huh….great.

Gloria (to Manny): I’ve never been more proud of you. I’m sure your friends are going to love it.

Gloria (to Jay): Break the flute.

Jay: What?

(cut to: Jay/Gloria on the couch)

Gloria: The poncho by itself is fine. The poncho plus the flute plus the stupid dance…..my son will die a virgin.

Jay: That’s right.

Cameron (lifting up metal trash can): I’m breaking the window!!!

Emergency Assistant: Emergency Assistant. This is Trina.

Mitchell: We locked our baby in the car and people are judging us.

Cameron (running towards the car with a metal trash can): I swear to God, I’m going to break it.

Mitchell: Do not break the window, you’ll get glass on her.

Emergency Assistant: Sir, please tell your wife to relax. Everything’s going to be okay. .

Mitchell: That’s a man.

Emergency Assistant: Really?

Phil getting hit by the car. LMAO!

I love Phil the best. LOL He's so off beat and always try to be the cool dad. His crush on Gloria is hilarious.

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Episode 1.7: "En Garde"

Phil: Well Alex is great at every single thing she tries, so you know, she’ll find her specialty.

Claire: She will…..and Haley is.....

(Claire and Phil pause)

Phil: …… Haley is so pretty….

Claire: …Gorgeous….Gorgeous girl.

Phil: …..So she can meet someone who’s the best at something.

Claire: That’s right.

Phil: And then I guess that leaves Luke.

(Claire and Phil pause)

Phil: We dropped the ball a little bit on that one.

Claire: Yeah…a little bit.

Mitchell: Yes, my sister and I were actually a very good team. We were called ‘Fire and Nice’ – I was ‘Fire’ because of the red hair and Claire was ‘Nice’ because it was ironic and she wasn’t.

Cameron: And Mitchell was so upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.

Mitchell: Some meet? The 13 and under regional championships…just the Emerald City at the end of my yellow brick road.

Cameron: Wow, you did it.

Mitchell: What?

Cameron: You made figure skating sound ever gayer.

Mitchell: Yes, alright listen, I might still be holding a little resentment but that’s embarrassing and petty….and it’s not a good color on me. It’s kinda like you and yellow.

Cameron: You love me in my yellow shirt.

Mitchell: It makes you look like the sun.

Claire: Yeah of course I want Luke to be successful but I don’t think a parent can just force that. I think you just have to have faith that the kid is gonna find his own way. Besides, Luke is already the best at something…….being my son. It sounded a lot less lame in my head.

Claire: Why’s the ipod in your mouth?

Luke: I’m charging it.

Claire: Alex! Alex!

Claire: Is he serious? Is that what your little jab was about this morning?

Mitchell: Yes…yes…I’m still a little angry, but you know, you stole my moment, Claire.

Claire: Yeah….21 years ago.

Mitchell: I know, but it doesn’t matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high school plays, uh, making out with the quarterback.

Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him too.

Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.

Claire: You sincerely thought the path to dad’s approval was going to be through figure skating? Mitchell, I’m fairly confident that dad’s proudest moment was when you fianlly took off the red flaming unitard.

Claire and Mitchell “figure skating” in the parking lot. :lol:

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Episode 1.8: "Great Expectations"

Mitchell: Oh my! Those are sensational!

Sal: I know, right! Do you want to touch them?

Mitchell: I’m gay, not dead.

(Gloria is singing is Spanish….and very badly)

Jay: So Lily likes that….that singing.

Gloria: Yes, it relaxes her.

Jay: Oh….okay……….so Lily’s deaf.

Jay: P.J’s on, Hailey!!

Manny: Umm…I would be happy to let her chance in my room.

(Jay sprays him with water)

Edward Norton as a member of Spandau Ballet. :lol:

Gloria: When I was Hailey’s age, I loved my Grandfather, but I still wanted to go to parties and be with boys.

Jay: I know, I know….so did Claire….and Mitchell.

Dylan: What’s that I smell?

Jay: Sloppy Jays. Help yourself, there’s plenty left.

Dylan: Oh….Sloppy Jays because your name’s Jay. Right on.

Manny: I can’t believe she’s into this guy.

Gloria: Don’t fight it Hailey, they never grow up.

Manny: I’m going to the kitchen for an espresso. Anybody need anything?

Manny drinking his espresso. :lol:

Luke checking Jay’s pulse while he’s asleep. Jay wakes up.

Luke: Oh thank God.

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