The Cocktail Lounge

[SFK]

First and foremost, I am so sorry that your father is ill and that you've experienced so much loss. As far as father getting rid of everything of mother's in order to "heal" and move on, been there myself. I hate to make light of your situation, but you truly lead a fascinating life. Your stories are amazing and no non-fictional human being should have to endure half the crap you do.

I know some may disagree, but given what you've already shared with us, I think you are wise to take at least a little time to figure out the best way to share this news with your sister. You must work quickly, but I think you as the most responsible sibling should devote a few hours to researching everything you all have to do in order to get to London and how feasible it will be, what everyone must put up money wise, et cetera. You shouldn't have to do this on your own. And yes, I do think you should go. You will regret it if you don't. No matter how badly people hurt you, your compassionate heart will prevent you from hurting others (no matter how much they "deserve" it). Not seeing your dad may haunt you.

I think you should write him a letter, getting it all out, saying everything you've ever wanted to say to him. Reread it. Reread it again. When you sit down with your father, ease into sharing with him everything in that letter. Let it come organically. The letter is not a script, merely a guide. Don't begrudge yourself if you leave something out, because that often means that part wasn't quite as important as you thought. Wrap it up with all of the wonderful things you remember about your father, they may be few, but all of those precious childhood memories of him. Thank him for those. Wrap it up with laughter and love.

[Mr. Vixen]

Totally agree with what SFK said.

[Ryan Chamberlain]

I agree too. Writing a letter to him would be a good thing to do. You need to get everything out of your system.

I would probably visit him too and give him the letter in person.

I lost my dad when I was really young ( I was almost 8) , and it was a sudden death. I didn't get a chance to even say goodbye. So, it's always kind of haunted me these past 17 years (He died in 1995). I just don't want the same thing to happen to someone else.

[SFK]

My mother also died suddenly and I didn't have the chance to say goodbye. Thank God we were on wonderful terms. I can't really say the same for her and my dad (who already isn't wrapped too tight) and not having the chance to make amends practically destroyed him.

[AdelaideCate007]

Oh, if only you knew how boring, average, and painfully ordinary I am when my family drama hasn't taken control of me full force LOL. Since besides my sister's insanity, 99% percent of our problems are family issues that I feel can be traced back to our childhood (what a cliche I know). It took a long time, but I've come to realise that our parents had no business being married and certainly not having children. My father is absolutely unable to commit to any sort of long term relationship, runs off when things get too hard, and does not think of how his actions and choices effect his family. My stepmother was usually unhappy with the way her life seemed to have turned out, complained everyday, and was put in the situation of having to raise another woman's child (and believe me, I did not make it easy and said and did some things that I've not proud of) and her own children while dealing with a husband that ran around on her. I also don't think they took into account how the career choices they made would effect us. Moving back and forth constantly makes it hard to form any sort of long lasting bonds with anyone besides your family, and our family did not bond. People think that foreign service is glamourous and that you get to live in all of these wonderful places and this and that, and while that is somewhat true, its also very lonely and isolated. There's nothing that'll make you feel more like an outsider and more alone than being an akward, tall English speaking kid blonde girl in a world of beautiful Italian kids and not being able to communicate with anyone but adults and your family. It was a very toxic, emotionally distant and dysfuntional environment that is still very present today. It's very hard not to get caught up in the insanity and drama when it's all you've known.

I talked to his wife again this morning when I wasn't half asleep and get some more of the details. A few weeks ago when we first learned about this, they had found the cancer but didn't know all the details. They went in to I guess removed what they thought was the cancerous part the liver, and found out that it has metastasised to other parts of his body (I'm not sure where). She made it sound like it was absolutely terminal and that was that, but today she tells me they're going ahead with treatment as early as this week and possibly some other surgeries, so she seemed more positive today. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Also, I don't want it to sound like its just me all alone. While I deal with most of the day to day stuff just because we're always together, we do have other relatives that help us and support us. It's not just the four of us out here twisting in the wind (no matter how much it feels like that sometimes).

I told my brother and sister today. They took it very well (all things considering), and we agreed that we would leave hopefully in the next week or so for a visit visit. I told our aunt (stepmother's sister) as well and she and our uncle are going to accompany us on the trip and take care of most of the planning. I think your suggestion of writing out a letter is a great one (I've started many emails and letters them him over the years but have never gone through with finishing them), and I'm going to suggest it to my siblings as well. I know that before my stepmother died, we talked a lot about things that had happened over the years and were able to make peace with the past before she died, so I would like to possibly do the same with my father (no matter how long he has). I try to be a very honest person, not to judge, and to have compassion for peoople, so I hope that we're able to have an honest talk.

As for telling my other sister, she won't be back till Monday evening (its midday Sunday here now) so we have a little time and we agreed we shouldn't tell her till she gets back. As I've said, she absolutely acts crazy and has meltdowns, so it's better to tell her things in person so you can attempt to talk her down off the ledge. She's very close our younger sister's stepmother so she is going to come around to the house before she gets here and our aunt is going to drive in to the city so she'll be here as well. I don't have high hopes that'll take it well, and I'm sure it'll lead to some of her tantrums and craziness, but its the best we can do. I guess we'll pray for the best and plan for the worst when it comes to her.

Lastly, I know when I post and share about my family I tend to only talk about the drama and craziness that go on, but we did (and still do) have many good memories and times together. My stepmother always made sure that we went on wonderful family holidays, threw us a birthday party every single year (even when we got too old to be wanting a family party), and encouraged every interest we had. I don't want to say my father was a great father (he wasn't and I think he'd admit it) but he, in his own way, tried. Lately, I've been trying to focus on the positives in life.

Thanks for the all the words of advice. It means a lot.

[dragonflies]

JP I'm so sorry about your grandmother, I know from experience how hard that is. I took care of my grandmother for years, and seeing her mind go due to dementia is something that will stay with me forever. Cherish the memories you have of her, they really will help you get through.

[Ryan Chamberlain]

I had a shitty day today. But, it totally pales in comparison to other peoples. Still....I'm hacked off over a few things.

First off. I got hardly any sleep at all last night. Between the wind howling like crazy, and having nightmares that kept waking me up every 20 mins. I had this one freaky nightmare about 12/21. Even though I think nothing will happen. It was invading my dreams anyways.

Also. Everything has been going wrong all day long. I didn't even get to eat my dinner tonight. I'm not big on fast food anyways. But, when it's the only 'restaurant' food I will get for 2 weeks (We have to pay bills ya know) I don't expect half my order to be left off and the other half inedible. I found 2 hairs (not mine!) in my freaking burger. That is damn dirty. Very dirty. Plus, it was half cooked. I gave it to my cat. And, he wouldn't even touch it.

Also. My mom will not stfu today. She's in one of these "everything is bothering me" moods too and it is not pleasant here today at all. I really cannot wait for Amazon to hire me on this upcoming summer once their offices get built (I was pre-hired) So that I can move the hell out. I love my parents. But, sometimes I want to throttle myself because of them.

Woo. Good to get that off my chest.

[alphanguy74]

Call the national 800 customer service number of whatever fast food chain you went to, and complain. They will usually send you a fat gift certificate.

[alphanguy74]

I'm just sick and tired of this, and I'm at the end of my rope. I've always been a very giving and generous person, and then people end up taking advantage of it or taking me for granted. Most of my friends, that is. Lately I have one friend who has only been calling me when he wants something, mostly needing 20$ or needing to work to earn a little bit... but then he bitches he's tired and wants to go home after three hours of work, and after I pick him up at his door! I've decided I'm just not going to answer my phone for the next 2 weeks, I'm over it. I was thinking tonight that over my ENTIRE LIFE, I've never had a friend buy me lunch or take me to a movie, NOTHING. It's either been we each pay or I pay. 44 years old, and I guess I'm just a damn pushover. This is friends I'm referring to, not dates with men. I don't know why when a person is generous and giving that people just become a bunch of damn leeches. It's depressing as hell.

[AdelaideCate007]

I know. It sucks when you realise that people are hanging around you because they want something. I'm sorry you're having an issue with your friend. Maybe after you don't help him for a while, he'll realise his behaviour and try to stop some of it.

[Eric83]

I got two stories:

One, the father of my cousin's five year old son was shot and killed Wednesday. They were no longer together but still managed to co-parent so they were still friends. Anywho, my cousin had gotten into another relationship and they got engaged in October. This psycho gets infuriated with my cousin because she is going to the funeral. LIKE THIS IS THE FATHER OF HER ONLY CHILD! It isn't like they are going to hook up. So this man shows up at her job acting a damn fool and demands the car keys to HIS car, leaving her walking home and her sisters having to find her. What's sad is that she wanted them to take her to that man. Anyways they get back and the man is packing up all of his stuff and leaving. This man is in his 40's and she is 31. I just can't with this foolishness.

And two, one of my friends is back in school and asked me to write an essay for them. I went in on it and did a damn good job. I was supposed to be $70 , I gave it to her on November 15 and I was supposed to be paid Friday the 16th but she claimed there was a problem with the system and her direct deposit didn't go through and that she would be paid December 8. So I call her asking was I still receivng my money and she is ducking and dodging saying her check isn't much. UM BITCH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER WEEKS YOU WEREN'T PAID? I've known her for awhile and she isn't shady so I don't know what the f-ck she is trying to pull but I need my damn money.

[Eric83]

Forgot to mention my cousin LOST HER JOB today because of him!

[SFK]

I know how you feel alpha. My Spidey sense goes off whenever my brother is about to ask me for cash, and I can always predict just how he's gonna ask me and what cock and bull story he'll give me for needing it/paying me back. He gets mad when I don't answer his calls but it's like, "You only really call me for one thing, sooo..." I've just started saying, "I don't have it." And even if I "do", I really "don't" because I'm in no financial position to be that generous that often with zero return.

[SFK]

I had a friend take me out to lunch a few weeks back and it was the first time that a platonic friend had ever done that for me. I annoyed her by continually insisting that she let me pay for SOMETHING. I think she was honestly borderline offended that I "fought" her so hard for trying to do something nice for me. I hope you are blessed with a friend doing that for you someday. It sure felt nice.

[Ryan Chamberlain]

I called the McDonald's I went to and they said next time I came in they would replace the food. They did. And, they didn't screw it up. Thank God.