30 Rock: Discussion Thread

[Toups]

Episode 4.8: "Secret Santa"

Toofer: Kenneth is doing a Secret-Santa-fun-swap-thing.

Frank: Ugh, he takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them.

(cut to)

Kenneth: ….And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they want to switch, they cannot, unless they do. Then everyone puts their heads down except the murderer…..oh wait that’s not right.

(cut back)

Frank: The whole thing was so confusing, I ended getting my own crappy gift back. Like I need two copies of “Over 60 Vixens”.

Liz: Vattené, what’s this? Is this the store Jack likes?

Jonathan: Unbelievable. Do you think you really belong on Mr. Donaghy’s personal gift list.

Liz: Why not? We’re friends.

Jonathan: He’s the best gift giver in the world. I tried once – I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil, in return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail.

Liz: Oh brother.

Jonathan: You will never match him. And I’ll be here next year to take you off of that list. Even if I get into the Law School, I won’t go.

Liz: Yeah, I did Plays in high school too. I was John Procter in the Crucible.

Nancy: Oh, you went to an all girls school?

Liz: No.

Tracy: What’s with the junk, Ken?

Kenneth: These are my all inclusive holiday decorations. Here’s a little Christmas tree….

Tracy: Okay.

Kenneth: ....A Menorah ......a picture of President Obama for the Muslims

Tracy: Going to let that one slide.

Pete: Danny, was that you? Why didn’t you tell me you could sing like that?

Danny: I didn’t think it was important.

Pete: Not important?! I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week. Come here. Listen up. Jenna is not singing the Christmas solo on Friday’s show, you are.

Danny: What? Why?

Pete: For the most wonderful reason of all, Christmas Vengeance. Jenna will finally be punished for all the times I had to pay her share of the money for the cleaning ladies.

Danny: No, I don’t want to steal Jenna’s solo, that’s not what the holidays are about. Maybe Jenna and I could do a duet instead.

Pete: Yes….a duet…..share the stage….she will LOVE that.

Danny: I’m sorry, are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it because we don’t have a big Jewish population.

Pete: I’m not being sarcastic at all.

Danny: Okay great.

(Pete hugs Danny)

Pete: Merry Christmas, Pete Hornberger.

Jenna: A duet? Really? I didn’t know you sang. It’s funny because it’s kinda my thing. Next thing I know you’re going to be telling me you’re really blond and have a urinary tract infection. Maybe I should here you sing. That way I can plan our harmonies.

(Danny sings for a while)

Danny (stop singing): I’m sorry, is your nose bleeding?

Jenna: Yes….because I’m so happy for you. It’s definitely not a rage stroke.

Tracy: That’s what religion is, K-Fed, just a bunch of made of rules to manipulate people. Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why…..because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.

Jack: Weird in a good way…..like going to the gym drunk.

Liz: Is that maroon and navy? Nerds!!!

Jack: Don’t tell me, Lemon, you spent $500 on a tie I already have at a store with a no returns policy

Liz: Aw, shark farts!

Jack: But this is my lucky tie and anyone who knows me well would know that. Just like I know you only wear that sweater when you’re eating pasta with red sauce.

Liz: What are your expectations here, Jack? She’s married.

Jack: I don’t know, Lemon. Nancy’s leaving tomorrow. Can’t I just enjoy this while it lasts?

Liz: That’s what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out, but you made me go get help.

Jenna: I’m doing my own thing….I got them this: The program from this year’s Asian Women in Television Awards, Julie Chen’s energy drunk – Chenergize.

(Kenneth taking off the red suit and hat from a Santa doll)

Kenneth: You’re just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

Cop: Alright, which ones are you Frank Rosatano and James Spirlock?

Frank/Toopher: That’s us.

Cop: You’re under arrest.

Frank: What did we do?

(cops start to hand cuff them)

Cop: Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning.

Lutz: I renounce Redukeism.

Cop: What? What does that mean? Are you Al Qaeda? Come here, pal?

(Lutz tries to run away but he gets tasered)

Kenneth: My angry God is punishing them…..it’s a Christmas miracle.

Liz: Wait, how is this zero dollars?

Larry Wilcox: Well he promised to get me on Dancing With The Stars.

Liz: But that’s on ABC.

Larry Wilcox: Donaghy!!

[Toups]

Episode 4.9: "Klaus and Greta"

Liz: Hey Tracy.

Tracy: Finally! Over the break, I forgot what floor I work on.

Liz: Six, Tracy.

Tracy: Six…I knew it was a character from Blossom but I couldn’t find a Joey Russo button.

Jack: I think it’s great. The exposure will do wonders for you and TGS. Lemon, I want you and Jenna to have a meeting with James Franco and make sure his manager doesn’t screw her.

Jenna: Too late! Oh wait, which way did you mean that?

Jack: Oh, what have I done? The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak, probably having beach sex…..which is the third best sex after elevator and White House.

Liz: Okay, go to my apartment, 168 Riverside drive.

Randy: Okay….actually there’s a guy here who offered to drive me if I help him move a couch into a van.

Liz: Nope….that’s a serial killer!

Jack: Oh, I was afraid of this. It’s not an answering machine, it’s a voice mail.

Kenneth: Okay, well we just need to look for clues to her password. It’ll be like The Da Vinci Code!......*points finger*.....Albino Monk!!

Jack: That’s a mirror, Kenneth.

Liz: I do appreciate the irony that I’m the one stuck in a closet now.

Kenneth: Sir, I don’t mean to swear, but I am irritated right now.

Jenna: Don’t “Lemon” your life, James, be happy.

James: I’m the actor James Franco, dammit. And I’m in love with and common-law married to a Japanese body pillow.

Liz’s threesome with James Franco and Kamiko the body pillow.

Episode 4.10: "Black Light Attack!"

Danny: I want to be TGS’ Steve Nash – come down from Canada, work hard, and make the black guy look good.

Lutz’s bra

Dot.com: 11am – go to strip club.

Grizz: I’ll get the car.

Tracy: Hey! Hang on! No. I don’t think we should go to a strip club. It just doesn’t feel right. I think we should let our new member choose the activity.

Sue: I like to go to Tasty Delight.

Tracy: I said we’re not going to a strip club.

Sue: Pink Berry?

Tracy: Why don’t you understand, I don’t want to take you a strip club!

Jenna: A mother? I’m not a mother. Would a mother be planning a sex tour in Vietnam this spring?

Liz: You can try to fight getting older or you can be like Madonna and cling to youth with your Gollum arms or you can be like Meryl Streep and embrace your age with elegance.

Danny: She really has thin lips but she makes it up with tongue girth.

Liz’s and Lutz’s dance moves

Episode 4.11: "Winter Madness"

Pete: Oh there is no spectra vision or internet in the hotels so plan ahead gentlemen, porn wise.

Liz: You have got to be kidding me.

Jack: What? Are you not using an office replication service while we’re here in Boston?

Jack: Let me give you some advice for uniting a divided people. Find a common enemy.

Liz: A common enemy?

Jack: For example, what keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred of the CBS sitcoms they’re force to watch.

John Hancock actor: And I John Hancock, with one stroke of my pen set all Americans free.

Tracy: You lying white devil! The only people you set free were rich white dudes like yourself.

John Hancock actor: I think my good friend and supervisor, Paul Revere, can address that.

Paul Revere actor: I’m out, Kenny.

Liz: Hey you know what, we’re going to go.

Tracy: No! Most dudes that sign that declaration of independence owned slaves! What about you John Hancock!?

John Hancock actor: Well technically I just inherited my slave.

Tracy: I knew it! For a dude who has the most hilarious last name I ever heard, you blow! We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!

Frank: We are sick of the long hours, the crappy food, sharing offices with the one black guy in New York who sucks…..

Jenna: Getting stuck with new cast members who don’t even hit on us once….

Danny: Stop trying to send dirty text messages to my landline, Jenna!

Liz: I made up a fake NBC executive and blamed everything that has ever gone wrong on him.

Jack: The imaginary enemy – classic move, Lemon…..The Salem Witch trials, the Red Scare, Global Warming.

Tracy wearing an “Impeach George W. Washington” t-shirt.

Lutz’s “truffle shuffle”

Episode 4.12: "Verna"

Jenna: I didn’t see her but security called….she was trying to use an oxycodone prescription bottle as I.D.

Pete: God knows you should eat better but maybe now is not the time. It’s show week and I can’t have you melting down and junk food is your stress release – we all need a release. I know because Kenneth’s taken mine away from me and I’m worried about what I’m going to do to replace it. While you were talking, I put a thumb tack in my neck. It makes me feel something.

Jack: Ah, new earings.

Jenna: My mom just made them so they still might have some pigeon-mites. But she said they can’t affect-affect humans-humans.

Pete: She’s not sleep walking, she’s sleep eating.

Liz: Oh my God. I’m sleep eating.

Pete: You tried to take away your release, Liz, but nature finds a way. Did you not learn anything from Jurassic Park.

Jenna: Liz, Verna’s coming back for Mother’s Day. We’re gonna do a duet of “I’ll Make Love To You” at a children’s hospital.

Episode 4.13: "Anna Howard Shaw Day"

Jonathan: Sir, your reservations are all set for Valentine’s Day…..and just to be clear, are you and I exchanging –

Jack: No.

Tracy: Can’t do it LiLem. On Valentine’s Day, Angie and I rent a room with a heart shaped hot tub and cook chili in it. Then we take it to a soup kitchen and that’s where it starts to get sexy.

Kenneth: No, I’m sorry Miss Lemon. I’m going to be attending an all day abstinence rally – you’re welcome to come. I think I’ve got an extra gender neutralizing hood.

Jenna: Hello, Maynard.

Maynard: Jenna, you shouldn’t have come here.

Jenna: What was I suppose to do? It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I haven’t heard anything from you. Has the dog who gave you orders died?

Maynard: No, Brendan’s fine. Jenna we need to talk. I don’t think I can stalk you anymore.

Jenna: No! You don’t mean that.

Maynard: Look, I have a new therapist, I’m taking my meds. I can’t even see electricity shooting out of your head anymore.

Jenna: Well, is there someone else? It’s one of those kids from Glee isn’t it.

Maynard: Jenna, please, don’t make a scene.

Jenna: I always knew this would end someday. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.

Jack: I learned how to talk to gorillas when I worked for G.E. Medical. *does hand signals* ‘We’re going to test poisons on you.’ So, are you seeing anyone?

Avery: Not for a few months. You remind me of him actually. I have a thing for commanding salt and pepper types. I don’t know why. I think it started when I walked in on my parents doing it on the day President Reagan was shot.

Jack: I wouldn’t over analyze that. *Jack’s phone buzzes* Hello.

Jonathan: I’m calling about the made up conference call with Geneva. I love having secrets with you. One time I ran over an old lady in Arizona and just kept driving.

Liz: Wow. Avery Jessup – she’s hot. She was on Maxim’s ‘I’d Rape That 100’.

Kenneth: How could you be upset with losing a guy like this, Ms Maroney?

Jenna: Look, I know it’s crazy. Maynard is a weirdo. But that weirdo loved me unconditionally. You know what I realized? He’s the longest relationship I ever had. Except of course for Doug.

Kenneth: Please do not say what Doug is.

Jenna: Doug is my vibrator.

Liz using the treadmill to zip up her dress.

Bon Jovi: I hate it here.

Jenna’s stalker montage set to “I Will Remember You.” LMAO

Jack: Men like me? I want a family. A son I can throw a ball to, and when he’s older, have power struggles with.

Drew, Floyd and Dennis doing Jamaican accents.

Liz: *laughing* Happy Valentine’s Day, no one.

[Toups]

Episode 4.14: "Future Husband"

Jack: I’m telling you that Don Geiss and I talked about this and that sale is dead.

Avery: Look, I read his autobiography, “Geiss Cubes,” whatever that means –

Jack: It means the book is filled with cubes of knowledge – it’s a good title.

Liz: Hey, where is Frank? He still hasn’t rewritten the Olympic sketch about the (horrible dubbing voice) “Lindsay Vonn” who won the “Gold Medal for Skiing.”

Jenna: Well, it certainly doesn’t get you a Tony award. I know the Tony rules because I’ve been petitioning for them to add a category for ‘living theatrically in normal life.’

Brian Williams: Hey CNBC, Nightly News rules!

Avery: Go break a story, Wiliams!!

Brian Willimas: Nightly rules!!

Jack: I’m going to Connecticut. I’m going to stand by my man….which is the song I sang to Don at his promotion dinner.

Kenneth: Excuse me, Ms. Maroney. Would you be interested in going to Mr. Jordan’s show tonight? I know he could use your support.

Jenna: I don’t think so. If I wanted to see a black guy make a fool of himself, I’d have sex with K-Fed again.

Liz: Yeah, my parents have Kabletown in Pennsylvania. It’s a fine and generous company. *smiles into the camera to break the 4th wall*

Jenna: Acting is about consistency and control.

Tracy: Got it, no farting.

Episode 4.15: "Don Geiss, America and Hope"

Jack: Before I take your questions, I’d like to say a few words about Don Geiss. The world has lost a giant. He built G.E. into the greatest company on earth and the earth into the top 3 planets in the universe. For those of you wishing to pay your respects, there will be an Episcopal cryogenic freezing service open to all Six Sigma Black Belts and higher.

Tracy: That's the craziest thing I ever heard -- Episcopal!

Jenna: I had a thing where I kept running into Michael Douglas but then I realized it was just some old lady who lives in my building.

Kenneth: All these books, sir. I feel like I’m back at school learning about the dangers of book reading.

Jack: Later today I’m meeting with an old colleague who left G.E. for Kabletown five years ago. I’m going to pick his brain and learn how Kabletown works so I can prove that I am the man with the ambition, the talent, and the looking-at-my-watch-skills to run this company.

Frank: Say it ain't so, Tra. What about the Seattle Seahawks cheerleader? That one kinda thick Rockette? That blind woman in the business class bathroom on the Acela? Were those all lies, too?

Tracy: But Frank, I still party. I'm still terrible at my job!

Frank: I looked up to you! Now I hate you.

Jenna: Tracy, I know what you're going through. I got a lot of flack after I ate the pig that played Babe. I learned you have to go on the offensive, start denying this stuff.

Tracy: I did, J-Mo. I held a press conference this morning.

(cut to)

Tracy: I’m here to announce that I’m leaving show business to spend more time with my stripper.

(cut back)

Tracy: But it's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona -- nobody's buyin' it.

Dot Com: Well we just lost another one, Tra. I just got off the phone with the people from Horny Goat Weed. They're dropping you as their spokesman.

Tracy: But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on that Cinco de Mayo float!

Dot Com: Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life.

Jenna: Just like my favorite golfer -- O.J. Simpson.

Jack: Remember how you tricked the owner of that toaster company into thinking that you were his dead son and he sold you the factory for one dollar – you are an animal, Dave “the animal” Heiss.

Dave: I was only as good as my mentor, the man who taught me how to bait the enemy – Jack “the master baiter” Donaghy.

Jack: So Dave, tell me all about Kabletown. What’s their business strategy, revenue streams. Do they have a preferred side of a head for parting your hair because I’ve been continental for years but I’m willing to go western.

Dave: Woah, relax, buddy. Your job is secure.

Jack: I just want to understand the operations so I can contribute right away.

Dave: That’s the beauty of it, Jack. You don’t have to. The cable’s already laid.

Jack: I don’t understand. There’s always room for growth, for innovation.

Dave: No, there really isn’t. It’s brilliant….and this goose that lays the golden egg….channels 500 through 600.

Jack: Oh good God….”Ass-atar,” “The Lovely Boners,” “The Hind Side,” “Fresh-Ass Based on the Novel ‘Tush’ By Assfire.” It’s all pay-per-view porn.

Liz: Settling soul mates? That is grim. And I've played Monopoly alone.

Wesley: I know it's not ideal, but we both benefit. I could open jars and kill bugs for you. And you could make me look less gay at work functions.

Liz: Okay, mentor time. I need a pep talk!

Jack: Lemon, I'm not in the mood to solve your lady problems or listen to a story about whatever escapee from the island of misfit toys you're currently dating.

Liz: No, this is Liz relationship emergency. It's a Liz-aster!

Jack: Look at me. At one point my obituary was to read: “C.E.O. of G.E. dies violently in casino orgy.” Now what’s it going to say? “Middle-manager of a Philadelphia pornography distributor never wakes up.”?

Jack: Welcome all to the memorial service slash freezing for Donald H. Geiss. You were the last of a dying breed, sir. I’ll never forget the first thing he ever said to me, “These are all hookers, pick one.”

Dave: Jack, women hate porn. Almost as much as men hate going to outlet malls.

Jack: Yes, women hate porn. Our porn. But women do have one insatiable need -- to jabber. And it doesn't matter if you have a headache, or you're not in the mood, or you're about to go to Don Geiss's funeral. They barge right into your office and start complaining about a boyfriend or a co-worker, and you're supposed to sit there and nod and tell them they're right. And the more you give it to them, the more they want it.

Dave: I tell ya, sometime's my wife'll be blatherin' on about something, and I'll think, "I'm more than just a pair of ears, you know? I'm a person. Who thinks about sex every seven seconds!"

Episode 4.16: "Floyd"

Danny: I’m not going to win but it’s an honour just to be nominated in the same category as Sir Dave Coulier.

Danny: No. I did an interview with the New York Times and they printed all of this stuff that I didn’t say.

Jack: Typical Liberal media. That’s why I get all my news from Dick Cheney’s website – DickViews.com

Danny: I never said that Liz banged her way to the middle or that Jenna kidnapped a Swedish au pair to use as a hair farm, and I never called Tracy clean and articulate – why would I, he’s not! This stuff is in the newspaper, Jack. Everyone’s going to see it.

Jack: No they’re not. It’s a hoax.

Danny: What?

Jack: The New York Times doesn’t have a staff writer named “Seymore Nips.” You’ve been pranked by the nerds. My guess is this is the work of Frank and…the black one…and *evil music* Lutz.

Liz: Guess who called me?

Frank: The boob job recall center?

Liz: It’s like on TV, it used to be that you wouldn’t say crap…..then they let that slide. Now we can say whatever we want – douchebag, ass wipe.

Jack: Anal runt.

Liz: Exactly.

Liz: I don’t care! I’ll start me own group! Rejection from society is what created the X-Men.

Jack and Danny’s gas leak prank.

Tracy: Lemon, Maroney, something horrible happened to me last night. I had a dream that Kenneth and I were intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy! Glistening black and white skin – it looked like a close up of a killer whale being born.

Toofer: I knew it. “Circulus et pruna” is the motto of the Twig and Plums.

Frank: And your motto is “Above all, be boring.”

Toofer: Listen to me. Twig and Plums is a Princeton secret society and Jack is clearly a member.

Frank: So?

Toofer: So…..they have all kinds of weird rituals and rules…like if someone says, “Twig and Plums” in front of a member, he has to find an excuse to leave the room no matter what he’s doing.

(cut to)

Donald Rumsfeld: …during the period of the 90’s.

(someone shouts: “Twigs and Plums”)

Donald Rumsfeld: ….Thank you folks (leaves the podium). Excuse me, I have tickets to a Harry Connick, Jr. concert.

Liz: I saw you on the Today Show.

Floyd: Dammit. I could’ve sworn you watched the Early Show on CBS.

Liz: The Early Show? What am I….in a hospital?

Floyd: Caitlin is a yogo aerobics instructor and an abs model –

Liz: I was in a re-enactment of America’s Most Wanted once…playing a lady who was strangled on the toilet.

Kenneth stripping/dancing in Tracy’s nightmares.

Jenna: We have to get him out of our dreams! We have to go back to how things were.

Tracy: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Tracy/Jenna: We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.

Jack: I don’t know who the hell told you to say that, Rossitano, but you have no idea –

Frank: Twigs and plums.

Jack: (pauses) ….. I have to go…to an intervention…..for….my….travel agent.

Tracy (wakes up): This is a dream ,you’re in control.

(Tracy sneaks up behind Kenneth and smashes a picture frame on Kenneth’s head)

Kenneth: Why!!? I considered you a brother!

(Jenna smashes a bottle on Kenneth’s back)

Tracy: It’s working. We’ve joined forces in our dreamscape. Now we fly!

(Jenna and Tracy put their arms in the air to fly)

Pete: What the hell are you doing??!!

Tracy: Uhh….controlling our dreams?

Jenna: We can explain, Pete. We were just trying to “Elm Street” Kenneth.

Pete: Unbelievable! It is way too early for this, guys. I haven’t even had my first cup of wine today.

Pete’s nightmare with Kenneth dancing and Liz slapping Kenneth’s chest! LMAO!!

[Sylph]

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and_radio/article7095206.ece

[Toups]

Episode 4.17: "Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter"

Liz: You’re going to juggle them? No. Even you can’t pull this off, Jack. Mrs. Doubtfire, shimself could not do this.

Toofer: I do not want a job I did not earn. I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says.

Liz: “I’m Cool”? I’m sorry, you can’t set my up like that?

Pete: Will you call Toofer and talk some sense into him?

Tracy: Oh yeah, just ask the black guy because all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?

Pete: You’re going to hate this one. The only reason NBC picked up “The Girly Show” is because of the flak they got from women’s groups from airing the action drama “Bitch Hunter”.

(cut to clip of “Bitch Hunter” starring Will Ferrell) LMAO!!

Liz: Welcome back, James.

Frank: Hang on, who’s James?

Toofer: As a condition of my re-employment, I have requested that I no longer be called “Toofer.”

Frank: Great. New nickname suggestions….go!

Liz: Victoria Cue Nerd Balls.

Jenna: Kanye East.

Frank: Super Virgin.

Tracy: Blot. Short for Black Spot.

Pete: Greifer, cause you’re also gay.

Toofer: Okay, okay. Fine, I’ll just go back to Toofer.

Episode 4.18: "Khonani"

Jack: Alright, Donaghy, follow your heart – Heard Equations And Rational Thinking.

Jack: So, what can I do for you?

Khonani: It’s been a week and I’ve heard nothing from you, sir. Have you forgotten our agreement….about me taking over 11:30?

Jack: I’m sorry, what?

Khonani: Five years ago, I threaten to quit unless you got me out of the late night shift.

Jack: Wow. Other than some un-notable recent exceptions, NBC never guarantees employment terms five years in advance.

Khonani: I have a contract. (rips off a piece of paper towel and gives it to Jack)

Jack: That is my signature.

Khonani: You signed it on April 22, 2005.

Jack: Okay, in my defense, every April 22, I honour Richard Nixon’s death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.

Khonani: Well, I want the earlier shift – it’s better pay and more prestige. Ever since I’m little boy, I’m dreaming on hosting the tonight shift.

Jack: Okay, Khonani. I understand I made you a promise and we’re going to keep it. Because this is NBC, the biggest loser network.

Khonani: So, you’ll fix this, today?

Jack: Well, this is a janitor emergency and I really have no choice to make it my number one priority.

Khonani: Good, thank you. Can I have those pictures for special book janitors keep.

Jack: Absolutely not.

Tracy: Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focus and take this sandwich to my wife.

(cut to)

Tracy: Nope, I’m in a strip club – my bad!

Jack: Lemon, you know Subhas, the current first shift janitor?

Liz: Kind of.

Jack: According to the janitor community, you call him frequently regarding home toilet situations.

Liz: No, it’s not that…..we’re dating.

Jack: Lemon, please. Look I just need his phone number.

Liz: What is this have to do with Avery and Nancy?

Jack: That is taking a back seat to this janitor situation. I need Subhas to step down.

Liz: But Subhas does a great job.

Jack: Look, five years ago I promised Khonani the earlier shift.

Liz: Why would you ever promise that?

Jack: Honestly, these immigrants have a tough life – no health care…and I kind of just thought he’d die before it became a thing.

Liz: Are you sure you’re just not using this as an excuse to avoid your real problem.

Jack: Lemon, this is a janitor emergency. I need that phone number.

Liz: Okay. Let me find it. Subhas….scrolling…..

Jack: I know you know it by heart.

Liz: 917….

Jack: Alright, Khonani. If I’ve learned anything from recent experience is that we have to handle this next step with Subhas very delicately.

Khonani: Oh don’t worry. Subhas will want to leave, spend time with on his hobbies. He collects classic car…. (starts coughing)….carboard….classic carboards.

Liz: Tracy, this is important. I have to prove to my co-workers that I am not some angry un-fun woman who doesn’t deserve to be included…..(starts speaking in German) “This party must go perfectly! They will regret disliking me!”

Jack: Subhas, thanking for coming in and showing me your special book…..more men in it than I expected.

Subhas: Book is book.

Jack: Indeed. Subhas, you’ve been with us a long time and you’ve done great work here. But we need some new blood. I’ve decided it’s time for you to step aside and Khonani will take over at 11:30.

Subhas: No. I’m in a union.

Khonani: Well, I have a contract.

Subhas: Meeting over!

Jack: No, no, no. Hold on. There’s always another option. What if we re-invent the way people think about their nightly trash removal?

Subhas: No thank you.

Jack: What if the night shift just got a whole lot earlier? Gentlemen, there is a way for everybody to get what they want and for me to look like a genius and hero.

Subhas: You’re bull-crapping us.

Jack: No I am not. I am inno-venting….a word I just inno-vented. (stares into the camera, breaking the fourth wall) NBC…it’s fresh.

Jack: There he is. How’s your first day going?

Khonani: Oh, I don’t know (show’s empty trash can), you tell me.

Jack: Khonani, I don’t know much about being a janitor to understand what you’re trying to tell me.

Khonani: There’s no trash, Jack. Ever since you moved Subhas to 10 o’clock, he takes all the trash. No trash left for Khonani.

Jack: Okay. There’s a solution to this. What if you and Subhas share 11:30?

Khonani: No. I wouldn’t do that to 11:30.

Jack: What are you talking about?

Khonani: What are you talking about? There are two people who want the same thing. They can’t both have it. You need to make a decision.

Jack: I can’t. Dammit, I can’t. Don’t you think I know what it’s like to have two amazing people who want the same thing? I do. And with Nancy and Avery, I am the thing, Khonani, I am the trash shift.

Khonani: That sounds very difficult.

Jack: It’s impossible. It’s paralyzed me. I just want everyone to be happy.

Khonani: It doesn’t work that way. One person’s heart is going to be broken. You have to chose.

Jack: I’m sticking with Subhas, Khonani. I’m sorry.

Khonani: Okay. I know that was hard for you. And don’t worry, I have a job for me at Fox….(coughs)….woods….at Foxwoods Casino, my cousin is head janitor there.

Episode 4.19: "Argus"

Liz: What’s going on? Why are you being so happy and nice? Are you soaking your tampons in vodka again?

Lawyer: That concludes Mr. Geiss’ financial disbursements…I believe all have been accounted for: his daughter, his lovely wife, his even lovelier mistress, his secret Canadian family, and his even more secret attic family.

Jack: When Don was taking me under his wing, he and I would sit on the veranda of his home in Connecticut, talking about business, politics, how to avoid paper cuts while making love to a pile of money…..

Liz: Hey, dummy. What are you doing to Grizz?

Tracy: Woah, you watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand. (raises the back of his hand to show a taped note that says, “PLEASE BE NICE TO ME”.

Jack: I did grieve for Don. As soon as Jack Welch told me, I went through all five stages of grief.

Liz: You didn’t do anything.

Jack: Let me retell it in slow motion.

(cut to Jack’s 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Shoving Down Emotions and Proceeding as if Everything’s Fine).

Episode 4.20: "The Moms"

Jack: What is this?

Liz: Budget approval for travel and hotels for the moms.

Jack: The moms, what moms?

Liz: The staff moms that are going to be on the Mother’s Day show, that NBC is making us do after their ill-fated decision to re-air the pilot of “Bitch Hunter.”

(cut to)

Bitch Hunter: Put the mimosas down….BITCH!

[Written by: Jack Burditt & Matthew Weiner]

Jenna’s mom: Go ahead, feel them. Feel the difference.

Jack: Very different indeed….like a cantaloupe and a ziploc bag mushroom soup.

Tracy: What about the list I gave you? Phylicia Rashad, Serena Williams…

Pete: They’re too recognizable, Tracy, and Serena Williams is younger than you.

Tracy: Who cares. She’s awesome and so am I. I want Serena Williams to be my mother.

Pete: We’ve already booked Novella, the woman’s been in the business for 40 years – I think she’s good enough for the star of “Sherlock Homie.”

Verna (trying to rip the clothes): That is quality stitching…..damn the tiny brown hands that made this.

Novella: They said they were going to put a wig on me or something so that nobody will recognize me as the pajamaralls lady.

Tracy (mumbling): Like anyone would recognize you anyway.

Novella: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Tracy: You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor and a Guiness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year.

Novella: Maybe you wanted someone more high profile but I am what you got. So Tracy, you better watch yourself or you may wind up with no mother at all.

Tracy: Fine! I’d rather be up on that stage all alone than to be someone whose resume has “Black Judge” on it 9 times.

Novella: And you think I wanted a fake son who recorded an anti-condom PSA?

Tracy: I saved a lot kids from lame sex!

Jenna: Tracy, this Mother’s Day thing is a disaster.

Tracy: I hear you……Because you’re talking in the ear that I didn’t lose a button in.

Buzz Aldrin: Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Liz: Yes, please.

(They look up to the moon)

Buzz: I own you!

Liz: You dumb moon!

Buzz: I walked on your face!

Liz: Don’t you know it’s day!? Idiot!

Jack: I am 51, don’t you think I can take care of my personal life?

Colleen: Think? I know you can’t! You do a lot of things well: make money, choose wine, wear ties, but you and women…disaster – divorce, broken engagements, I assume herpes.

Episode 4.21: "Emmanuel Goes to Dinosaur Land"

Jenna: I can set you up with my trainer – he’s gay but not when he’s drunk.

Liz: You know what, this was a bad idea. I should just go.

Drew: What? You’re too good for me now that I have pirate hook hands?

Liz: It’s absolutely not because you are disabled – I’ve been dumped by four different guys in wheelchairs.

Drew: Well I’ll have you know, Liz, that I’m in line for hands transplant – there’s this strangler who’s about to be executed….and I got my hooks crossed.

Tracy (crying): It’s all coming back to me…Oh my God, I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs…I watched a prostitute stab a clown…our basketball hoop was a ribcage….a ribcage! Why did you bring me here?! I blocked out all this stuff for a reason. Oh Lord….some guy with dreds electrocuted my fish.

Wesley: I don’t want to go back to England. I can’t suffer through the London Olympics – we’re not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing opening ceremonies? We don’t have control over our people like that.

Tracy: Well I'm sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can't remember. You haven't walked in my shoes! All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen: a crackhead breast-feeding a rat! A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal! There’s something inside of me that needs to come out. And if “Garfield 3: Feline Groovy” can’t tell my story, then I’ll win my Oscar elsewhere or I’ll die trying!

Tracy: I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in was named after Zachary Tayor - generally considered to be one of the worst Presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo...they were very drunk.

Episode 4.22: "I Do Do"

Jack: Yes, I continued to see other people.

Nancy: One person…who apparently you’re also in love with.

Jack: It’s possible. Haven’t you ever read Archie Comics?

Liz: What’s ---

Carol: Sky Law….It’s when I put on the fasten seatbelt sign and no one’s allowed to move until we’ve had 10 minutes of silence…..I made the whole thing up but people are stupid so they don’t question it.

Kenneth: Let’s meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes.

Wesley: You’re behavior as my fiancé has been as weak as American tea – there, I’ve said it. Our first argument, everyone.

Jenna: You’re engaged? What if the bachelorette party theme was sluts.

Wesley: Fine, it’s your loss. There’s only one Wesley Snipes in this world.

Liz: You know there isn’t.

Wesley: Ugh!!

Jack: You can’t control everything, Avery. Sometimes, it’s just fate.

Avery: Ugh…is there gay juice in the champagne?

Tracy: On behalf of Grizz and Feyoncé, I’d like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn’t support the weight of Grizz’s extended family.

Paul’s Jenna/Cher hybrid costume!

Kenneth (drunk): Hey everybody, I got fired today. You won’t have Kenneth Ellen Parcell to kick around anymore. So I’m going to tell you people what I really think of you.

(Tracy tries to stop him)

Kenneth: Nooo…noooo. For four long years, I have listen to you all complain about your east coast media elite problems….your apartment renovations….and your over priced Star Wars memorabilia.

Carol: That door man is hammered.

Kenneth: I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas and I have loved it. You people, you’re my best friends….and I hope you get everything want in life.

Jack: Kenneth…..

Kenneth: So kiss my face!!! I’ll see you all in heaven!!!! (flips the thumbs up) Have a wonderful summer!!!

[Toups]

Episode 5.1: "The Fabian Strategy"

Liz: Yeah of course. I’ll just have to run home first and take some plates out of the bathroom.

Pete: This Jenna promotion is the greatest thing to happen to me. Do you understand how much free time I have now. Yesterday, I went to the gym. And this morning, I made love to my wife, and she was still asleep so I didn’t have to be gentle.

(cut to: Pete’s wife snoring and her body moving up and own)

Liz: That’s one of the most upsetting things I have ever imagined.

Pete: Are you sure? Think about it again.

(cut to: Pete’s wife snoring and her body moving up and own)

Liz: Yes!

Jenna: As great as I am at this, I’m not really necessary. Hm….the last time I said that I was in a threeway with two of the Backstreet Boys.

Carrol: Let’s each say one thing about ourselves that the other person don’t know, on the count of three. Alright, ready…..One, two, three….

Liz: I’m on a waiting list to adopt a kid. / Carrol: Touched by a priest…..It’s fine.

Carrol/Liz: Wait, what?

Episode 5.2: "When It Rains, It Pours"

Liz: Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully……..

Liz: I’ll tell you why he’s lucky – he’s got an old dad.

Jack: I’m sorry?

Liz: I had an old dad – it was awesome. I could get away with anyway.

(cut to: young Liz grabbing a bottle of booze)

Young Liz: This is just what I need……..to store my rock collection.

(cut back)

Jack: Lemon, I’m not an old dad. 50 is the new 40 for men. 50 is still 60 for women.

Tracy: I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch?

Dr. Spaceman: Good morning. Now, full disclosure…..most of my experience is putting babies in women.

Angie: I’m going to kill that man.

Dr. Spaceman: You just described my morning. Now, Mrs. Jordan, I’ve already administered the epidural, so would you like one as well?

Jack: My son, you may now remember me…..I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghy’s original come from Ireland’s little known County Steve where historically we were whisky testers and goblins. I was raised in Sandchester, Massachusetts. I won the Avery Blaine Handsomeness Scholarship to Princeton and then attended Harvard Business School, where I was voted 'Most.' I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say 'I need a vacation from this vacation.' The song 'You're So Vain' was, in fact, written…… by me.

Tracy (in Cash Cab): So for me to be there at the birth of my daughter, I have to answer trivia questions despite having gone to middle school in an Exxon station?

Richtie: This is a CD of some civil war songs I thought you’d like. It’s very authentic, so don’t play it around your black friends.

Pete: You got sauce on me! You know neighbors who wear my exact size don’t die everyday!

Ben Bailey: A gift from France to the United States, the Statue of Liberty was completed in what year?

Tracy: Come on! I don’t know that!

Ben: You got 15 seconds or you’re out of the cab.

Tracy: Okay. I remember going to the Statue of Liberty centennial, 'cause that year someone had spread a rumor that she was gonna slip out of her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies. And the Mets had just won the World Series, 'cause that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had threw a bottle at. That was 1986. And centennial is a hundred years, because 'centipeding' means having sex with a hundred women. I got it! 1886.

Ben: Yes, that is correct.

Jack: The secret to a strong healthy head of hair is Dove……..blood.

Brian Williams: And we have this just into us…..Richie and Liz spotted in tree. Eye witnesses report K-I-S-S-I-N-G. For more let’s go to NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.

(Andrea walks out of the elevator)

Andrea: Thank you, Brian. (to Liz) Slut.

Brian and Andrea fist-pound and laugh.

Tracy: The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I’m a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself.

Tracy: The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there I’ll be executed.

Jack: This is how you throw a punch.

Lutz: Wait, what?

Jack: And this is how you make love to a woman.

Lutz: Huh?

Dr. Spaceman: Pull, Angie, pull!

Angie: I knew you wouldn’t let me down, baby.

Kenneth in a Tracy mask: Of course not woman, I’m your husband.

Dr. Spaceman (his beeper goes off): Dammit! I got to go feed the meter.

Jack: As you go through life, I will always be here for you through these tapes. Also, I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church and have been assured certain powers in heaven, sending messages through animals for instance. In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman name Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.

[Toups]

Episode 5.3: "Let's Stay Together"

Jonathan: What if we had to stay overnight and there aren’t enough rooms and we have to share a room and I forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in and the stores are all closed.

(Kenneth is tapping)

Jenna: Horrible. What else can you do?

Kenneth (singing): Oh everybody born before Jesus is in hell….they went straight to --

Jenna: Enough. I will have to reinvent you, break you down completely and build you up from scratch – just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.

Jack: I really resent the Congresswoman’s accusations. I’ve longed been an advocate of diversity – it’s made this nation great: the Chinese built the railroad, the Irish built and then filled the jails.

Congresswoman Regina Bookman ((grandstanding): …..the future and America. Now I may have lost my train of thought several minutes ago but if I continue to talk like this, no one will notice and when I stop, you will applaud my energy! Thank you!

Jack: I can’t let Bookman jeopardize this deal. Tell me about diversity at TGS.

Liz: Well, Lutz claims to be Inuit. At least that was his explanation when I found his poem about snow.

Jack: What about Toofer? Is he any good?

Liz: I don’t know if he’s mentioned this to you a hundred times but he went to Harvard.

Jack: So we know he’s smart and superb at masturbation.

Liz: Ha!

(Jack and Liz high five each other)

Jenna: I’ve turned into my mother. And I’ve turned you into me – you’re welcome. But it was wrong.

Rutherford Rice: Mr. Spurlock, do you think the system is broken when it is news that an African American man is the Head Writer for a network TV show?

Liz: I think I can answer that. Um, another question that we could be asking is ‘Why isn’t it a big deal that a woman is the Head Writer?’ I would argue that TV is more of a boys club than a white club.

(silence)

Liz: I like your dress. Do you have to wear a bra with it?

(silence)

Liz: I will let you get back to Toofer?

Rutherford: Who’s Toofer?

Liz: I don’t know.

Tracy: And thank you, Representative. What you’re doing is very important. I can assure you NBC is committed to making diversity a priority. Then just walk away and don’t try to kiss her, Tracy. And don’t say that last part. (winks at Jack)

Lutz: Hey! You eat from your own table, remember? Our food is separate! Separate!

Tracy: I’ll kill you white devil!

Kenneth (to his shoe): Mr. Shoelace, you’re being silly.

Bookman: You call that a diversity hire?

Jack: Maybe. That young man is a Hillbilly with a girl’s middle name and because his county never rejoined the union, a foreigner.

Kenneth (to his shoe): Now you’re untied? Have you two been talking?

Jack: I present to you, James Spurlock, with the 2010 Tavis Smiley Excellence in Broadcasting Award. Thank you for making us all smiley.

Congresswoman Bookman (grandstanding): This country was FOUNDED….on certain principles. FREEDOM! TROOPS! AMERICA! FLAG! Now I might not know where I’m going with this BUT I KNOW WE WILL GET THERE TOGETHER! WHO LOVES PIZZA!!

Tracy (grabbing a samurai sword off the wall): I’m gonna cut that fat cracker’s head off!

[Toups]

Episode 5.4: "Live Show"

East Coast Version:

Jack: Does it seem weird in here to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.

Liz: I don’t know, does it?

Jack: Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.

Jack: I just want to let you know that while Avery is pregnant I am going to give up drinking. If she can’t drink I won’t drink.

Liz: Wow, I don’t know if that’s a good idea for you. Do you remember that time I tried to give up refined sugars.

(cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus as Liz)

Frank: Hey, looking good Liz.

JLD-Liz: You know what, our bodies, we don’t want all process junk. I don’t know if you read Michael Pollan’s ---

Lutz: Who wants donuts?

JLD-Liz: I WILL KILL YOU! (smashes coffee pot on Lutz’s head)

(cut back)

Jack: Why are you better looking in your memory?

Liz: My memory has Seinfeld money.

Liz: Hey, Jack knows it’s my birthday, right?

Jonathan: Hmm…let me see. Oh, I have my master list of staff birthdays right here. Oh no, I seem to forgot to put you on it.

Liz: Is this because of that joke I made the other day?

(cut to)

Jack: Jonathan get me a pen.

JLD-Liz: Yeah, chai-boy, get in here. (French accent) You’ll never be a millionaire. Slumdog Millionaire ref…Blamo.

(cut back)

Jonathan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Liz: Whatever. Jack will remember it’s my birthday because we’re friends. Also, it’s a pretty big birthday.

Jonathan: Oh…..are you turning a thousand?

Liz: Really? You want to play this game with a comedy writer? (Liz sprays a water from a bottle on Jonathan then runs away)

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Monroe. Here’s a couple of messages. A Mr. Brett Fav-ray stopped by and dropped of this picture of a hotdog.

Jenna: Finally.

Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out and they are very angry about what you’ve been saying about them.

Jenna: So I guess they’re geniuses for getting stuck in a mine.

Kenneth: Also, your pharmacy called and apparently you can’t get a prescription for ecstasy.

Jenna: Thanks, Obama-care.

Tracy: I promise. I swear of my mother’s grape.

Liz: Did you say grave or grape.

Tracy: Yes. Goodbye.

Tracy: Gentleman, tonight I’m going to laugh harder than at Dot.com’s play.

Dot-com: It was Angels In America, Tra.

Pete: Liz, I almost forgot……Happy Birthday…..the song. Legal says we can’t use it in the birthday sketch but we can use ‘It’s Your B-Day, Bitch’ by Snookie’s mom.

Jack: I don’t want to let Avery down but this is so hard. Distract me, Lemon. Entertain me.

Liz: Okay uh…..Open on the covenant flower market, the 1892….. (old lady accent) flask flask for sale.

Jack: Get out of here!

Jenna (to the audience): You’re the real stars!......Not really.

Announcer: Fox News, a division of Fox Nonsense Incorporated.

Jenna: Welcome back to Fox News, I’m Blonde. President Obama, in your own words, why are you a terrorist who hates America.

(“Exclusive interview with Kenyan lair”)

Tracy: That’s an excellent question. Uh-oh….I’m doing something called breaking. Blaaah---hahahhaha. Snort. Heehee Giggle giggle. The audience loves this!

Pete: Oh that Idiot.

Liz: Fine, just go to commercial.

Pete: Go to commercial.

(cut to commercial)

Dr. Spaceman: Erectile dysfunction…..it’s just not a dog problem anymore. It also affects millions of men. I’m (air quotes) Dr. Leo Spaceman. For too long erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem and it’s been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But could the real cause of E.D. be that we haven’t produced a good doing it song since ‘Close the Door’ by Teddy Pendergrass? That’s why I’ve recorded an album. (starts singing) Baby, let’s take it slow. You know we’ve got all night, light some candles, draw bath and start off with full on intercourse. (normal voice) Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman’s “Love Storm” – and ultra strength audio re-bonulator. (back to song) Baby, let’s let the dog watch us, do you think he understand the love that we have, Oops I’m finished, call yourself a cab --

(cut to NBC Technical Difficulties)

Liz: Tracy, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Tracy: I can’t be. I’m missing that part of my brain.

Liz: You’re ruining the show. No more laughing.

Tracy: Alright, no more laughing. I promise. Crouts’ honor.

Liz: Wait, did you say scout or crout?

Carol: Lizzie, if something were to happen, I want you to know that I…..I need you to go to Raleigh, to my apartment, and just clear out all the porn before my mom gets there.

Liz: That’s it?

Carol: I also need you to Tivo ‘Bones’ for me in case I survive.

Jenna: How could you let Tracy do that to me?

Liz: Don’t worry, it’s under control.

Jenna: I am a professional, Liz. I have never broken during a performance, ever. I was on stage in Pippen with Irene Ryan when she died, and I kept going.

Jack: You know where I spent my 40th birthday? In my office, all night.

(cut to 3 women dancing with a shirtless, fit, young guy…….cut back)

Liz: Wow, you were very fit back then.

Jack: Yes, but my penis was smaller.

Jenna: Oh I warned you, Liz, and now I am slipping a nip – the big one!

Pete: Go to commercial go!!

(cut to commercial)

Drew: Hi, I’m Dr. Drew Baird. Every year, dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or a fireworks mishap, or, in my case, both. But now, there’s hope. Thanks to an idea that started as a pitch for a horror movie and grew into a charitable organization, ‘Hands From Executed Criminals’ are now making life better for people all over the world. People…like me. (shows transplanted hand) We can’t do it without your support, so give. And give someone a hand. Sorry, I’m trying to do a thumbs-up here, it doesn’t always listen. Oh, God no, that’s a black power thing. No, I really should - come here - no - why are you doing this?! No! Bad hand! Bad - oh! Now it’s got my testicles!

(cut to NBC Technical Difficulties)

Jack: It means we’re going to do something nice for our friend, Liz Lemon, because she takes care of us, we’re going to take care of her…..even if we currently are sober for the first time in ten years.

Jenna: Not me. I just got my ten year drunk chip.

Carol: Wait, wait, what’s happening there? Is that a surprise party? SURPRISE! I was totally in on it! It was really expensive!

Jack: To Liz Lemon! You’re halfway to death.

West Coast Version:

Jack: Jonathan, can I have a pen?

JLD-Liz: Yeah, and hurry up Aladin…..before Jasmine is forced to marry Jafar. (Laughs) Similarities…..Lemon out.

“Impartial Interview with Barack Obammunist”

Liz: Are you sniffing paint?

Jack: Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we’re married, to tune them out.

Drew: Hi, I’m Dr. Drew Baird. Every year, dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or a fireworks mishap, or, in my case, both. But thanks to ground breaking research at the Yale University Center for Hand-Frankensteining, hand transplants are a reality, making life better for people all over the world…people like me. (shows transplanted hand from a woman) Of course, donors are rare. As you can see I’ve had to accept a female hand, a number of which became available after a giant explosion at a Josh Groban concert. So please give, and give someone a hand. I’m sorry, I’m trying to do a thumbs-up here, she doesn’t always listen. (hand starts rubbing his face) Okay…Noo…Noo….This is not the time! Please! We are in public. (hand starts to descend his body) Nooo…Noo….Stop it Marjorie! No! Obey me! Ow!! Please, I’m so tired. Oh God, please take off your rings.

(cut to NBC Technical Difficulties)

[Toups]

Episode 5.5: "Reaganing"

Jack: I’ve got the next big reality show. We put a bunch of people in a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it “Child Hell Flight!”

Jonathan: Starting yesterday at 4:00 PM yesterday when Mr. Donaghy coined the word “innoventually.”

Liz: So why do I have to leave?

Jonathan: Because you have so many unsolvable problems. Like your mouth. It looks like someone kicked a hole in a bag of flour.

Liz: I just want to see him and I can’t get a cab because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer.

Jack: Problem solved. I’ll take you.

Liz: Really?

Jack: I’ll drop you off at the airport then I’ll swing by MSNBC. I have to talk to Rachel Maddow – only one of us can have this haircut.

Liz: I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas and there was a performance issue.

Jack: That does happen to men. I faced it myself with Greta Van Susteren before her head transplant.

Jenna: I’m proud of you Kenneth. You got a good heart. I hope you get into a car accident one day so I can have it.

Episode 5.6: "Gentleman's Intermission"

Jack: I don’t choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time. The Intelligence to understand the challenges they’re going to face. The humility to accept my help. And finally a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive. Intelligence. Humility. Chaos. Or the acronym DIHC. I’m looking for DIHC, Avery. And I’m going to take it wherever I can find it.

Jack: Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to stay alive.

Jack: Shoulders back, Lemon. You’re not welcoming people to castle Frankenstein.

Jenna: A two time Cable Ace Award nominee, and three time Tony… Shaloub sex partner. Jenna Maroney is perhaps best remembered for being beautiful. Jenna Maroney. dead at 32.

Jack: I would never say this to her face, but Lemon is above average. She’s got just the right amount of DIHC for me. I hear it, and I don’t care.

Tracy: My obituary will read “Oscar Winner” instead of “Children’s soccer heckler.” It will change my headline. I feel like I’m forgetting something… I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!

Jack: How dare you hang up on me? I’m a corrupt cop. My brother’s a corrupt fireman. He’s gonna set you on fire, and I’m not going to investigate it.

Episode 5.7: "Brooklyn Without Limits"

Jenna: How’s it going in there?

Liz: Great. Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor.

Jenna: Oh come, Liz. This store is cool. It’s huge with all the young people, I mean, all the us.

Liz: This place is trying way too hard. Why are their strait jackets everywhere?

Jenna: Because before this was a clothing store it was a mental hospital. It’s winky and fun, Liz.

Liz: Okay, I tried them on. Can we go now.

Jenna: Ms. Lemon, you look hot. I swear to Kabala monster. Those jeans are perfect look at your butt!

Liz: Oh my God, is that me?

Jenna: Liz, it’s the dream. Boy on the bottom, girl on the top.

Clerk: OMGod those jeans are zing.

Jenna: This online slang dictionary says it’s short for “amazing” or it’s a club drug made from a tooth whitener. Either way, you win.

Jack: She said I had three months to make NBC more diverse.

Jonathan: It’s not your fault, nobody watched “America’s Next Top Black Guy.”

Jenna: I’m fine. Talking with Dr. Linda helped me realize I have just as much going on in my life. My exercise video is dropping soon. It’s called “Jenna Gets Hard.”

Jenna: If they could be bribed, I would have won a Golden Globe, for my Lifetime original movie “Sister Could You Spare a Breast.”

Jack: I’m sorry miss, do you know where Liz Lemon… Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you like a Mexican sports reporter.

Jenna: What films inspire you?

Tracy: Well definitely the foreign films, like the political ones where you think there’ll be no boobies but then BAM! Boobies.

Jenna: And now, amidst a day of wonders, one wonder more. A special voters only screening of “Hard to Watch” based on the book “Stone Cold Bummer” by Manipulate.

Tracy (in “Hard to Watch”): I call New York the “Big Apple.” Never seem that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an all-city running back and I was going to run out of here. To college. To suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for, is as toilet. Funny thing happened to a guy named Lucky.

Jenna: You are going to win. And when you do, I’ll be furious - like waking up next to Rob Schneider furious.

Jack (gasp): Lesbian Mario Brothers!

Episode 5.8: "College"

Jenna: Liz, women wearing men’s watches is so over. The new thing is get an Adam’s apple.

Tracy: Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts.

Jack: I’ve been a GE man for 25 years. And a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon.

Liz: You know, usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler. But today I feel like…..Hitler in Germany.

Jenna: Just like in college, everyone here has their role. I’m the hot blonde.

Tracy: And I’m the nerd who takes off his glasses and everybody realizes he’s handsome.

Dictionary Jack: I wish I was more of a free spirit like you. Now freestyle rap for me.

Pete: Rollin with my homie, me and Jackie D. Now bitches get ready for a sex party.

Jenna: How long do you think this can go on?

Liz: I’ve got in under control.

Jenna: This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks. No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all. And when we graduated a week later…

Kenneth: You know, my uncle was a tinkerer, until the FBI shot him.

Jack: Tell me, Kenneth, what did you major in at that college?

Kenneth: Television Studies with a minor in Bible Sexuality.

Raj: Are we racist or do those guys look a lot alike?

Liz: And if I see that filthy dog again, I will put it down. I will put it down with a smile. Back to work everyone!

Crew: [boos]

Liz: I love you too. High-fiving a million angels.

Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night.

Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?

Jack: Oh god! She means the pizza!

Pete: She’s unhinging her jaw!

[Toups]

Episode 5.9: "Chain Reaction Of Mental Anguish"

Paul: Jenna and I are mirroring until we have achieve touchless orgasm.

Jenna: Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bites marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.

Liz: Jack, what makes a guy get bored in a dating situation.

Jack: That’s an excellent question. The answer is questions like that.

Jack: And Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I’m tired of talking this much to woman I’m not having sex with.

Tracy: Jack, I need other investors besides me.

Jack: What?! You’re the only one bank rolling this? What about Brown and Folderson?

Tracy: That’s what I call my wallet.

Jack: Tracy, listen to me. Not everyone is cut out to be a business man. For example, curly haired men and people who need glasses.

Jenna: Liz, last night was a disaster, and not the good kind where I get to sing a benefit.

Kenneth: It was Harold, and I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie. I ate him sir! I ate my father pig!

Paul: Fine, let’s do this tape. But then what? What will you want next?

Jenna: Well, there’s this sex resort in Japan where white people are treated like slaves.

Paul: I trust you to fairly divide up our panties. I’ll come get them tomorrow while you’re at work.

----------------------------------

Episode 5.10: "Christmas Attack Zone"

Avery: I’m not going to be there. I’m leaving tonight to spend Christmas with my family.

Liz: Really?

Avery: That’s why I like dating older men. Their parents are usually dead or senile, so there’s never an argument over the holidays.

Kenneth: Obesity is killing the African American community……with laughter.

Liz: Paul, I need to talk to you about Jenna.

Paul: How is she?

Liz: Honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen her this upset since Hurricane Katrina – the coverage pre-empted a tampon commercial she was in.

Jack: Oh that must be dad.

Liz: Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here?

Jack: No, I want it all to be fresh. Will he erupt with anger over years of secrecy? Who knows. Milton’s a hippy pacifist. But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist Monk into whipping a battery at her.

Milton: By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself.

Avery: Oh, that’s hippy nonsense.

Jack: Absolutely now.

Milton: Oh suit yourself but my son Spiderman turned out just fine.

Liz: This is disgusting. It is Christmas, we’re not going to ambush an old woman for the mistakes that she has made. I mean, who hasn’t made mistakes? I once french-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old.

Tracy: I’m here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.

Dot-com: All the big actors do charity work on Christmas Eve. Russell Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.

Jack: Mother, you look lovely.

Colleen: I see you brought the bag that my bastard grandchild will come in.

One of Jenna’s pictures: “Me, Paul and Ben Roethlisberger in Cape May”

Avery: Do you have shortness of breath? Are you sweating? Do you have neck or jaw pain? I’ve had a couple of rich men die on top of me.

Milton: We have to call an ambulance! Listen to me, dammit, I’m a doctor.

Jack: Of history. In what emergency would you be necessary in? If someone wanted to know whether the 60’s awesome or not?

Liz: You know what I learned tonight? As hard as you try, no one can escape the horror of Christmas, so it might as well be with your own family. I’m gonna go get a bus to Whitehaven now and I should be home just in time for aunt Linda to try to prove that she is sober by holding someone’s baby while cooking.

Jenna and Paul singing together as “the Black Swans.”

------------------------------

Episode 5.11: "Mrs. Donaghy"

NBC Experience Store: New Fall Show Merchandise 100% Off

Tracy: I’m hosting the international pornography awards. And I have to go get an insurance physical so I can fly into the area in a penis shaped parachute.

Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, you are going to die.

Tracy: What?! No!

Dr. Spaceman: … when I tell you who I’m dating.

Dr. Spaceman: Anywho, I have the results from your physical. Tracy, you are going to die.

Tracy: What?! No!

Dr. Spaceman: You have no reflexes. Your blood tastes like root beer. And some of your bones appear to have vanished. I’ve only ever seen this on dead people, during Desert Storm. I actually wrote a report on it, but my commander refused to pass it on up to Saddam. Kooky times.

Tracy: But I can’t die, Dr. Spaceman. Who will be there to raise my kids if I’m not around to pay someone to raise my kids?

Jack: This is our NBC priority pie chart. Big red part as you can see is the Biggest Looser. Yellow slice our number 2 priority: make it 1997 again though science or magic. And the little green part is everything else. Request denied.

Liz: No! Request denial, denied. You have to make TGS a priority.

Jack: Your show netted $600 last year. Your parents had to buy an ad.

Liz: I don’t care. If I don’t get what I deserve, I’m not signing those divorce papers.

Jack: Are you blackmailing me? You should think very carefully about what you’re doing right now.

Liz: I am…….Lots.

Jack: Very well, we’ll do this divorce the hard way. But I’m warning you. This isn’t my first rodeo, Lemon.

Liz: Well I’ve been to a rodeo to. It was a cat rodeo in a gay guy’s apartment.

Jack: Uh, Lemon, why do I have an appointment with Jeffrey Weinerslave tomorrow morning?

Jack: Entertainment is where untalented people go to get rich. And you have all the makings of a reality superstar: Hair pullingness, delusions of grandeur, an insanely short fuse, catch phrases.

Angie: It’s my way til pay day!

Liz: Pete, you and Paula fight a lot…

Pete: No! I walked into a door!......I’m so clumsy.

Liz: [TV press conference with a Boston accent] My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts and Feelings.

Jack: Son of a bitch!

Liz: [TV press conference] As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers, and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world “What is art?”

Jack: We know what art is! It’s paintings of horses!

Jack: I shouldn’t have threatened your show. I’ll leave that to the parental decency groups.

----------------------------------------

I hope Robert Carlock wins an Emmy for writing this episode.

Episode 5.12: "Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning"

Liz: Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York, it’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Liz: Tracy, we have been playing this game for 5 years now. When is it ever going to stop?

Tracy: I don’t know. After I won a bunch of awards for my movie, it’s not going to get better.

Liz: I don’t see how it can get any worse.

Tracy: Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar, it opens up an elite level of actor-craziness – throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the U.N. about some messed up crap in Africa, and I’m definitely getting a private island.

Liz: You’re getting an island?!

Tracy: Every crazy A-lister owns an island: Nicholas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore.

Lutz wearing a thong!

Liz: You know, I have enough problems with Tracy, I don’t need cameras following him around while he’s here.

Jack: Do you know what pays for your show, Lemon?

Liz: Are product placement deal with Sullivan’s Psychiatric Clinic: ‘Sullivan’s Psychiatric, you’ll drool over our crazy prices.’

Jack: Reality TV. A woman with hundreplets, a live executive, The Real Transvestites Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.

Liz: Ugh. That show is upsetting. Why does the Warden let Lady Extravaganza have so many spoons?

Jack: As I began phase 2 of my ‘Jack Attack,’ on Kabletown, I’ve been doing some research. Do you know what the most successful reality events of the past 5 years are? Celebrity benefits for natural disasters. The viewership is huge.

Liz: Yes, but those ratings mean nothing. All the networks air those benefits at the same time, so no one gets an advantage.

Jack: True. Unless only one network carries it only because one network is ready to broadcast a benefit on the night of the disaster.

Liz: But that’s impossible. There’s not enough time to put it together.

Jack: Unless you pre-tape the show beforehand and filmed options for every possible disaster scenario.

Toofer: Well, I just finished a screenplay where a tidal wave destroy Washington --

Pete: Someone write down tidal wave – shut him up.

Frank: What about a tornado that hits a hand gun factory and it’s just spinning around shooting hand guns.

Kenneth: What happens if the second flood comes and you aren’t allowed on Reverend Gary’s arc? Especially when Reverend Gary made it clear that the arc just for teenage boys.

Kenneth: Everyone needs an emergency plan. For instance, right before the arc leaves, I’m suppose to castrate Reverend Gary.

Frank: So here’s the plan, if anything happens we meet outside under the Atlas statue, walk to the 59th street bridge and try to get to my mom’s house in Queens.

Pete: Okay good. We’ve got a wide skill set for any post Apocalyptic scenario. I’m good at archery and kind of want to die.

Frank: I can use my glasses to start a fire. Toofer can get us through black, gay, and nerd control neighborhoods. Cerie will be some of Queen in the new society.

Sue: I will do sex with cannibals if needed.

Kenneth: I can talk to animals! Well not talk to them. I can take commands from them.

Tracy: No. I wasn’t going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.

Robert De Niro (reading ‘Disaster Options’ cue cards): We’ll always remember where we were when we heard that a tornado had hit a handgun factory. Two days ago, when people though of a mudslide, they just thought of getting drunk in an Applebee’s. But now we know it as the thing that destroyed Denver. When the birds started attacking us, we all thought it was pretty funny and made Hitchcock jokes, but we’re not laughing now because our laughter excites the birds sexually. This devastating wildfire. This horrible flood. This wonderful flood that put out that devastating wildfire. These super-intelligent sharks.

Liz and Tracy singing/argueing over Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl.

Liz: Tracy, I just thought of a few more things I need from you.

Tracy (singing): Shut your mouth, I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you’re a four-eyed douuuuuuche.

Producer: Wow, Tracy, I don’t want to interrupt this moment, this is great stuff, but that’s Billy Joel. Anything you say to that tune, I can’t use on the show.

Tracy (singing): That’s too bad, but if I sing, you cannot do anything, to make me look bad on your tv shooooow. And also let me say that Liz is a hoe, a dirty hoe.

Liz (singing): You are a child, and you’re losing your mind-yyyyind. I want to kick you…I’m not good at making up songs.

Tracy (singing): Unlike me, who is good, as you can tell, from this rhyme.

Liz (singing): Ooohhhhhhhh….ooooohhhhhhh…….ooohhhhh…..

Tracy and Liz (singing): Ooohhhhhhhh….ooooohhhhhhh…….ooohhhhh…..

Jenna (singing): That thing that happened / was so sad / we can’t believe it got so bad when the stuff we know occurred went down / so find it in your heart / step up and do your part / and help the people / the thing that happened, happened to / help the people / the thing that happened, happened to.

Jenna: Someone get a P.A. to feed me baby food or I will drop a ‘D’ in the green room. Yeah, last week you thought I was crying wolf, didn’t you?

Liz: I have absolutely no reason to apologize to him.

Tracy: And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.

Liz: If I hugged you, I would angle it so you that got no boob.

Tracy: And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there.

Lester Holt: If you’re just joining us, this is NBC’s continuing coverage of the devastation in Mago, the Fijian Island owned by controversial actor Mel Gibson.

Jack: Good God.

Lester: We are receiving reports of extensive damage to the main house, as well as the house for Gibson’s cars. No word yet on the fate of Gibson’s collection of anti-semitic and misogynistic literature.

Jack: Nooooo!!!!!!

Lester: We are joined now by a relative of the island’s owner, Oskar Gibson.

Oskar: G’day. First off, the holocaust never happened.

We go now to NBC’s exclusive primetime benefit for the victims of devastation in Mago, specifically Mel Gibson and his houseguest Jon Gosselin

Jenna: Why do bad things happen to good people? We’ll never know. But look at these pictures (pictures of Mel Gibson, Mel and Jon together), look at these beautiful souls and pick up the phone. Every dollar you give to help (voice dub: Mel Gibson) will go towards rebuilding (voice dub: his sex Jacuzzi)….(singing) and help the people, the thing that happened, happened to.

Fake Liz and fake Tracy’s scene in ‘Queen of Jordan’. LMAO

Liz: Hey, are you okay? Ugh, your kidding! Your dumb stunt worked?

Jack: It was our highest ratings since that episode of S.V.U. where the detectives watched American Idol.

Liz: It was a train wreck.

Jack: It was reality TV. It can be good, it can be terrible. It just can’t be anything in-between.

Liz: You know, some people actually craft stories and when the story doesn’t have an ending, you just don’t create one up out of thin air by playing music or having people give each other meaningful looks. Sure that might manipulate an audience into thinking they’re feeling something, but it sucks. (Liz and Jack give each other ‘meaningful looks’ while One Republic’s “Secerts” is playing)

[dm.]

Coming back January 12.

[Toups]

Episode 6.1: "Dance Like Nobody’s Watching"

Jack: This thing is a real cash show, unlike “Cash Chow,” the failed NBC spinoff of “Cash Cab”. You try riding a cow through mid-town Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.

Jenna: I’m going to interrupt you right there, Liddy. Terrible song selection. You were sharp and I’m about to get raw with you. You’re weird looking, Liddy. Even if you could sing, with that face, it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster. Here’s my advice, Liddy, go work on your presentation, take voice lessons. Then seal yourself in a barrel and fall off a waterfall.

Jack: Ah, yes, but we’ve done some focus testing and frankly I haven’t seen a unanimously negative response since the “Frasier” spinoff, “Hey Roz”.

Jenna: Look, according to Tracy, people are switching minds around here. That’s obviously what happened. So whoever you are, show me Jack’s penis.

Reverend Gary: And think how disappointed I am. I’m the one who had to nude-baptized all those teens.

Jack: Tracy, what building is right next to Penn. Station?

Tracy: The Manhattan Center For Penis Enlargement?........I know cause my friend goes there…..his name is Tracy.

[dm.]

Ahahhah, they were great.

[Toups]

Sh!t Liz Lemon Says

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[Toups]

Episode 6.4: "The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell"

Jack: Lemon, I’m sorry, but Jenna has become a huge star for this network. She’s become bigger Maulik Pancholy on ‘Whitney’.

Dot.com (to Tracy): You already have everything. I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s bones, and he’s not even dead.

Tracy: Do you remember Celia’s bakery in the Bronx? It was on the corner of Malcolm X Boulevard and Guy who shot Malcolm X Boulevard?

Kenneth: Well then I know about another story that turned out to be true. It’s about a virgin who gave birth to a man who had some funny ideas. That virgin was my sister. And her son Lyle has a learning disability.

Jack: None of this was meant for you. That should have been obvious since a gift for me would suggest you’re producing good work. Let me be clear, you are not.

(Cut to sketch)

Jenna: Lance Ito, you’re out of order!

Tracy: Line!

(Wall falls)

Jack: It wasn’t me it was the machines! Tell them it wasn’t my fault!

Not Kenneth: My Fault. A short lived NBC game show in which homeless people win money by confessing to crimes they didn’t commit.

Tracy: They say people who kill themselves never regret it.

Episode 6.3: "Idiots Are People Three!"

Criss: Like you’re so perfect.

Liz: Let’s not do this.

Criss: You don’t say “cholesterol” correctly.

Liz: Chlorestorol.

Criss: You’re a 41 year old woman who cheats at board games. You don’t use tab closures on cereal boxes.

Liz: If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

Devon: I want you to get my triplets into preschool…at St. Matthew’s.

Jack: Banks. That’s impossible. Just last year they rejected one of St. Matthew’s actual descendants.

Devon: I know. I heard that during her interview she turned the class hamster into a dove. Good luck.

Tracy: Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI…we should change that.

Denise Richards: It’s fine.

Denise Richards: And idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nucular psychiatrist in a James Bond movie.

Liz (reading apology): Whaaazup! Yeah baby! I’m here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group people who made America the great… continent… that it is today. These kick ass people have given the world countless bodacious things. Like the Birther Movement. Intelligent Design. Water parks. No. I will not endorse water parks. They’re a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given to the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes. Cans that tell you how cold beer is. Florida. Bratz Dolls.

Tracy: Oh I get it. She’s naming awesome things.

Liz: No listen to me. Because of you there may be an Entourage movie.

Crowd: Turtle Turtle Turtle!

Liz: You know what, I give up. You should know better. But no, you’re just going to keep on riding motorcycles, having unprotected sex and voting again free healthcare. You will make the same destructive decisions over and over again and you’ll never really be happy. And you’re jaw will hurt all the time.

Episode 6.2: "Idiots Are People Too!"

Liz: And why did you have to offend the gay community? It is the most organized out of all the communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.

Tracy: How is what I said offensive and that’s not?

Liz: Because no one heard me say it. Look I need to know what we’re apologizing for, Tray. What did you say?

(cut to)

Tracy (doing stand up): Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants. If I got turned into a gay, I’ll sit around all day and look at my own junk.

(cut back)

Liz: Oh my God! First of all, “if you got turned into a gay”?! Do you think the good people of Raleigh, North Carolina, turned Clay Aiken gay?

Tracy: Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.

Liz: Look, you’re a public figure and believe it or not, the dumb things you say may influence or hurt people. You need to apologize.

Tracy: I already called Glad, Liz Lemon.

(cut to)

Diane: Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic. This is Diane, how may I help you?

Tracy: Hey Diane, it’s Tracy Jordan. I’m sorry about what I said.

Diane: Well, okey dokey.

(cut back)

Liz: It’s the wrong Glad, Tracy.

Tracy: Whatever. I’m tired of apologizing all the time for just being myself. Remember when I offended stubborn people? That look forever to sort out.

Tracy: You brought this on yourself, Liz Lemon. The so called idiot community will not be silenced.

Liz: For God sakes, Tracy!

Tracy: We are legion. We are America. Frat guys, DJs, Loud-mouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp stamped, parrot heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won’t shut up about scuba diving.

Diver: It’s a whole other world down there.