30 Rock: Discussion Thread

[marceline]

As a Clevelander, that had me speechless when it aired. "Flee to the Cleve!"

And 30 Rock does the best product placements ever. The McFlurry has now beat out Verizon as my favorite.

[Toups]

I liked the Verizon and Snapple product placements better.

Episode 3.11: "St. Valentine’s Day"

Frank: Oh, Kenneth, hey, you know how makes an effort to hire the disabled?

Kenneth: Do I? I wouldn’t have this job if it weren’t for the mouth on my back.

Liz: I can’t make this guy go on a first date on Valentine’s.

Jack: Why are you so nervous about this?

Liz: Because it’s a delicate situation, Jack…..there is handsomeness involved.

Jack: How much?

(Liz shows a picture of Drew)

Jack: Come on, Lemon, what is this a green card thing?

Liz: No.

Jack: Closet case?

Liz: Don’t think so.

Jack: Slump buster?

Liz: No. Not a ball player.

Jack: Bundy-esque serial killer?

Liz: That one was my first though, but no.

Jack: Try to forget it’s Valentine’s Day. I’m going to. I’m going to church.

Liz: What? Why?

Jack: Elisa is deeply religious.

Liz: If had those knockers, I’d be thanking God to.

Jack: All I want for Valentine’s Day is to go Plunder and eat the lover’s delight.

Liz: That sounds filthy, Jack.

Jack: It is.

Tracy: NBC, blah-blah-blah, thank you.

Jennifer: My instincts have never let me down, except for looking at that eclipse.

Drew: Okay, I feel like I should do the right thing here and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse and I can see all of it.

Liz: Uh….okay. Well, I guess we just jumped ahead to date four. It’s not the good one you know.

Jack (pretending to pray to the “Our Father” and has his phone in between his hands):

Our Jonathan,

who art of the office,

hallowed be my reservations.

If you are able, hold my table,

at Plunder,

as we will not be there seven.

Have them delay our heavenly dessert,

and forgive us our lateness,

as we forgive those who cause lateness against us.

Jennifer: I didn’t know it was a French restaurant.

Tracy: Yes. I found it on my favorite website: Stop-showing-off-Dot.com.

Jack (in the confessional): Also, I sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of weapons-grade drugs. It feels good to say that one out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Elisa: You know what your problem is. You intellectualize everything, but your big head.

Jack: Well you have big boobs.

Elisa: Which you will never touch again.

Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

[Sylph]

Tina Fey and the success of 30 Rock


The writer, actor and American female comedian has a pedigree that goes back to sitcom 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live

Stephen Armstrong


When Tina Fey was growing up in Philadelphia in the mid-1970s, aged five or six, her dad would let her and her brother stay up to watch late-night comedy. Mr Fey didn’t seem bothered by the lateness of the hour or the grown-up content — Fey remembers watching Monty Python, Mary Tyler Moore, George Burns, Carol Burnett, Rhoda, and Laverne & Shirley. The only parental controls were quality. He let his children watch the classic 1950s sitcom about domestic strife, The Honeymooners — “But not The Flintstones, because he thought that was a cheap rip-off of The Honeymooners,” she giggles.

What she remembers from that time, as she sits in her New York office during a break from a writer’s day on her hit sitcom 30 Rock, is how different female comedy parts were. “Mary Tyler Moore was a working woman whose story lines were not always about dating and men.” She seems slightly surprised at her own statement. “They were about work friendships and relationships, which is what I feel my adult life has mostly been about.”

So when Fey set about creating 30 Rock’s lead character, Liz Lemon — the head writer on a sketch show that tangentially resembles the US comedy institution Saturday Night Live — she thought back to those dark 1970s nights, snuggled on the couch laughing with her dad, and she set out a list of ground rules that, even as she desperately clarifies them later, underline one of the problems in comedy today.

“We wanted to make sure that everything we did with Liz Lemon rang true on some level — to me or to one of the other women in the room,” Fey explains. “And we did kind of know we were going into her as . . . well, as the opposite of a Sex and the City character. She’s not about wish fulfilment or fantasy. I personally am a big fan of SATC — but it’s pretty and it’s fun to watch, like candy. One is a fairy tale, and the other is a grim fairy tale.” She pauses, wonders if she’s been too rude, and rushes in with: “I do really enjoy Sex and the City in spite of what I just said.” Another pause. “I think I identify with Miranda. The redhead lawyer. I enjoyed her story lines most.”

When you flick through previous interviews with the new queen of comedy, it’s clear most journalists have worked out why she dodged the fairy tale and chose Miranda, the sharp-talking lawyer, as her favourite — it’s all about genetics. Fey’s dad has a German background, and her mum is of Greek stock. Hey, those crazy Greeks with their flapping hands, magazine opinion has it, crushed by the German genes, with their cold, ruthless streak. Fey’s career took her from performing live improv theatre in Chicago straight onto the writers’ table at Saturday Night Live, coming up with the smarts in the heart of Manhattan. She also lost a bit of weight and tidied up her hair once she arrived, a doggedly pursued process that has — seriously — been compared in print with Leni Riefenstahl’s makeover of the Third Reich. One writer described Fey as a “sprite with a Rommel battle plan”.

All of this is kind of hard to square with the cute, dark-haired, 5ft 4in but slim and toned woman with a sly grin and regular fits of giggles giving this interview. If this woman had made Triumph of the Will, she would probably have tickled the Ubermenschen as they stretched their arms forward until they dropped their pose and doubled up laughing. Fey is working on a project with Sacha Baron Cohen about a Jewish musician joining a punk band, and spent three months of 2008 ripping Sarah Palin to pieces with terrifyingly perfect impressions on SNL. Rommel? Not really.

It’s worth a brief aside on the Sarah Palin thing. Fey’s uncanny version of McCain’s running mate has been credited with everything from boosting 30 Rock’s ratings, and thus saving it, to gaining her recognition outside the hardcore comedy crowd that has long adored her. (And maybe adored her a bit too much. On a recent junket, a journalist said he’d been watching 30 Rock nonstop on DVD, and there was something he needed to know: what was the import of the framed photo of the two thermostats sitting behind Liz Lemon’s desk? “Well,” said Fey, “that was put there by our very talented set dressers, and I guess it’s supposed to look like comic boobs.” “Oh . . . okay,” said the journalist, seemingly downcast. “I thought maybe there was some kind of a connection to you, and it had a hidden meaning.” “That one has — there’s just no hidden meaning there,” she consoled him. “It’s comedy boobs.”)

Certainly, via YouTube the Palin skits played out to millions around the world, all grimly fascinated by the appeal of a woman described by the right-wing shock jock Rush Limbaugh as: “Babies. Guns. Jesus. Hot damn!” It’s not something Fey is entirely comfortable with, however. This isn’t only down to her liberal politics — her parents were Republicans, but she was on the picket line during last year’s writers’ strike — it’s also to do with how she fought her way up.

“I had a great time doing it,” she explains carefully, “but it was one of the strangest things that’s ever happened to me. You can grow up thinking, ‘I want to be on SNL one day’ or ‘I want to be in a movie some day’, but you never think, ‘I hope there’s a politician who looks just like me.’ So much of everything I’ve ever done has come out of hard work and just hanging in there, being the last one standing at the bar — and then to have that fall in my lap was just crazy. Having done plays in Chicago for two actors and then all of a sudden people are just saying, ‘Yes! Put the outfit on! You can say whatever you want!’ ” And she almost shivers at the thought.

Because, whether it’s the Greek Parthenon-building genes or the German opera-writing genes or, who knows, growing up a bit dumpy at a high school full of sculpted cool kids, Fey has worked very hard to get where she is today. Consider the CV: 38 years old; movies such as Mean Girls ($130m at the box office) and Baby Mama ($64m) under her belt; head writer and face of the most successful comedy show in history; writer, producer and star of her own sitcom; five Emmy awards, three Golden Globes. All of it, to an extent, prompted by mean kids mocking her natural adolescent awkwardness. She used her brains and her wit and her drive to swim the shark-infested playground pool — no way is she going back to that “what you look like is what you are” agenda.

She recalls starting to use the funny stuff she’d been so avidly consuming at home as a weapon at school when she was about 12 or 13. “You start to try and use that as a way to draw attention away from just how greasy you are. And squat. It’s good deflection,” she shrugs. She was like Janis in Mean Girls: she didn’t run with the cool crowd, but she was sharp enough to keep the bullies off her back and avoid being plucked from the herd by scavengers. She was pretty sporty, but found an outlet for all those pent-up years of late-night comedy-watching in an anonymous column in the school newspaper, written as The Colonel. Mostly poking fun at students and staff, she sailed close to the wind with double entendres that sometimes became a little too single. “Anals of history”, for example, proved especially trying to the school establishment.

From there it was an uneasy drama degree at the University of Virginia, followed by a revelation when she joined Chicago’s The Second City improv troupe. “I studied the usual acting methods at college — Stanislavsky and whatnot,” she has said, “but none of it really clicked for me. At The Second City, I learnt that your focus should be entirely on your partner. Suddenly it all made sense.”

Indeed, The Second City gave her pretty much everything she wanted. She met her husband, Jeff Richmond, a composer on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, while there. She mastered her trade. And then, in 1997, SNL’s head writer, Adam McKay, reached over from New York City and pulled her onto his team. For American comedians, Saturday Night Live is . . . well, imagine the Blue Peter studio had also recognisably hosted Monty Python, Not the Nine O’Clock News, Harry Enfield and Ben Elton’s Friday Night Live, The Day Today and The 11 O’Clock Show. If you are interested in comedy, you will have watched that familiar shiny floor every week of your life. You will have seen it spawn The Blues Brothers, Wayne’s World, Coneheads and A Mighty Wind, as well as launch the careers of Eddie Murphy, Will Ferrell, Mike Myers, Bill Murray, Robert Downey Jr, Dan Ackroyd, John Belushi et al. Now imagine you were offered a job writing for the show. Nervous?

“Stepping into the studio for the first time was momentous,” Fey admits. “The only equivalent would be doing The Tonight Show — stepping into the show that I grew up watching. And it has a live audience. Even with a taped audience, you can get them jacked up and they know it’s their job to pretend they like it. But especially in New York, that live audience is a real proving ground.” The brutality of this natural selection helped her develop her comedy voice — which, she was slightly surprised to find, was really all about the sisterhood.

“I think there’s a huge overlap in the middle, where funny is just funny — everyone gets it and laughs at that,” she explains. “But then

I think there are certain kinds of jokes that women prefer and certain kinds that men prefer. Like, men will gravitate towards screaming and bears fighting robots. On the female side, if left alone, we will drift towards more and more character detail and minutiae. The tiniest behaviour will amuse us.”

After making head writer on SNL, she became a performer on the show. She played the Bush twins with Baby Mama buddy Amy Poehler, but she feels she slightly missed the mark on her favourite target: the sex industry.

“I am obsessed with things like strippers and Playboy Playmates,” she says with a short laugh, so you’re not sure if she’s joking or not. “I’m obsessed with portraying that as how grim I think it is. My friend Stephnie Weir did the best version of a sketch that I was always figuring out how to do. She did it perfectly, playing a stripper at a bachelor party who had to bring her kid because the babysitter fell through. The discomfort of that really makes me laugh.”

When Fey pitched 30 Rock to NBC in 2002, she originally set it at a 24-hour news channel. Kevin Reilly, NBC’s then entertainment president, encouraged her to bring it closer to home — to write what she knew. “A portion of 30 Rock is autobiographical,” she admits. “Our world is a little more bent, but the relationships reflect the kind of overfamiliarity and competitiveness mixed with friendship mixed with contempt. It’s a very, um, specific kind of workplace. The one thing about our show was that we could never portray writers as heroic,” she chuckles. “They’re the least heroic, most cowardly, lazy group of people you could spend time with.”

She explains that 30 Rock’s fast-talking style “comes from the fact that our show needs to be two and a half minutes longer than it is — I’m trying to fit five pounds’ worth of ideas into a two-pound bag”. She was stunned when Alec Baldwin agreed to play the part she’d written for him, and she’s proud she’s found work for so many Second City alumni in the cast.

Outside work, she has a daughter — famously returning to work with the line, “NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement” — and has spoken about having another child, but right now she has an exhausting schedule. She begins filming Date Night with Steve Carell next month, and has joined the cast of the animated film Master Mind for DreamWorks alongside Robert Downey Jr. “I work, and then whenever I have any other time, I’m with my daughter, and then I go to sleep,” she says. “I think you basically have to abandon the dreams of having any other adult activities in your life. You have to go to sleep whenever your child goes to sleep. That’s basically how we’re doing it.”

So now that she’s the most powerful woman in comedy, why hasn’t she lost her initial defensive need to bite back with humour? Why still have that drive? She begins carefully: “I try to keep learning, but I do think there is some . . .” She pauses, then makes a curious switch into the third person. “If you ask someone else, they would probably tell you there is something to do with gender and telling the truth about women. At least, as truthfully as I can see it. To let them be flawed in the way they are flawed. I don’t know. I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other. And I don’t think anyone’s really doing it.”

And for a moment she’s curled up on the sofa in Pennsylvania, watching all those smart funny women on late-night TV, with her arms around her daddy, thinking just how great that world must be to live in. And how disappointing that she’s now the only one who cares. The moment passes, and I ask for advice for British newcomers to the show — who may have come to 30 Rock through the Palin skits, the internet or her movies. “Well,” she smiles, “just relax, sit down, have a glass of wine, take your pants off and watch it.”

30 Rock, season two, is on Five USA, Fridays, 9pm

30 Rock: a comedy behind a comedy

Why is it called 30 Rock? It’s the NBC Studios address: 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

Who’s who? Fey stars as Liz Lemon, head writer on a live comedy show called TGS. For years this had been The Girlie Show (with Jane Krakowski, as a ditsy hoofer with acting pretensions, as its lead), but when Alec Baldwin’s Jack Donaghy, Vice-President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for General Electric, arrives at NBC, he forces Lemon to hire the deranged multimillionaire movie star Tracy Jordan (played by the comic Tracy Morgan), a process that involves her joining strippers in a pole-dancing club.

What happens in a typical episode? There is no such thing with this show, which concentrates on the erratic and usually sociopathic private lives of the cast and writers of TGS. With Fey’s sketch-writing history, there are a number of quickly resolved gags, as well as longer-running stories. Donaghy has some of the choicest arcs, coping with a mother (Elaine Stritch) who tried to send him to Vietnam when he was 12, and suffering demotion when the microwave programming division is taken away from him.

What will season two bring? It sees Donaghy battling for control of NBC, considering running for office and developing a bomb that would cause enemy soldiers to “go totally gay on each other”. Tracy Jordan has a career that closely resembles Eddie Murphy’s, but he’s on such extreme medication that he constantly hallucinates “a blue dude”, and believes Condoleezza Rice is part of a cabal of black vampires. Lemon inevitably struggles to maintain any functioning romantic life, despite her “Big Ben-sized biological clock”, and relies heavily on Jack McBrayer’s Kenneth — a brilliantly camp and relentlessly optimistic page who sometimes cries because he “loves television so much”.

Further attractions? The show has lured numerous A-listers to do cameos, often as themselves, including Jerry Seinfeld, Al Gore and Oprah Winfrey. The first season featured Isabella Rossellini as Jack’s ex-wife; the second, deliciously, has Salma Hayek as his mother’s nurse.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3i05c8198f5eab4cdacfa08d5dc48bda67

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol...t=12&page=2

[Toups]

30 Rock has another award-worthy submission with Episode 3.13: "Goodbye, My Friend"

Episode 3.12: "Larry King"

Liz: Well, where is it going? Ladies like to know what that next step is. They….we can’t help ourselves.

Jack: Believe me, Lemon, I want to take that next step.

Liz: You mean like….marriage?

Jack: No. The one before that.

Liz: Moving in together? That’s huge.

Jack: No. The thing you do before that.

(Liz gives Jack a confused look)

Jack: Think you in the mid-90’s.

Liz: You haven’t had sex?!

Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?

Tracy: You know it. I cursed for three hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch. Oh no . . . .

Pete: Listen, we have a request. Can you please try to remember to talk about TGS tonight?

Liz: You only have to plug it once. TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC.

Tracy: You got it. NGS, Fridays at C-30 at TB-10.

Larry King: Have you been to Asia, Tracy?

Tracy: Um, my work has taken my there. I was suppose to be in that movie “Rush Hour” but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan.

Larry King: Hold on, Tracy. My producers are telling me that there is breaking news. The Asian financial market just opened to a huge sell off…..and we’re going to switch to that story right now.

Tracy: Good. I’m glad I’m here.

LK: Your thoughts Tracy Jordan on how this is going to impact Wallstreet.

Tracy: Larry, I’m not an expert but I do have strong opinion. New York as we know it will no longer exist tomorrow.

LK: Expand on that.

Tracy: Look, I grew up here, Larry, and the days before Starbucks. And if Wallstreet crashes, it’ll be the 1970’s all over again. People will get mean, the streets won’t be safe, it’ll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only cost 3 dollars.

LK: Tracy Jordan…..saying three serious things and then a joke.

Larry King crawl: “Tracy Jordan has a high school education”

LK: The Mumbai stock exchange is now down in early trading. Is this panic becoming global? Tracy Jordan, talk us through this.

Tracy: Larry, what everyone needs to do is take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for Thunderdome. That is the new law.

Liz singing 99 Luftballoons (99 Red Balloons)

Liz: It’s a boobies picture, Kenneth. And I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

Jack: Did you get a hold of Geiss?

Jonathan: No.

Jack: Did you try his mistress?

Jonathan: Not there.

Jack: How about his manstress?

Jonathan: Nothing. I think we should listen to Tracy Jordan and panic, sir.

Jack: What?

(cut to)

Tracy: I’m saying the Disney-fication of New York is over, everyone. At the stroke of midnight, your Lexus is going to turn back into a high powered rats fighting over a human finger.

Meredith Viera: Now that the US markets have opened unaffected by the Asian meltdown, many people are blaming the panic in New York last night on one man, Tracy Jordan. He is here with me now. Tracy, a lot of people are calling you a “Fear-monger” and I’m quoting here, “an idiot”. What do you have to say for yourself?

Tracy: Watch TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC. Word!

A shirtless Jonathan playing the flute on the videotape. He runs back in taking the camcorder away: Noooo…..that’s personal.

Episode 3.13: "Goodbye, My Friend"

Pete: Donuts in bed? What were you depressed about and/or celebrating?

Jack: Boy, that creative thing you do…..writing jokes for a living, making the world laugh. What do your dads tell their friends what you do?

Toofer: Surgeon.

Josh: Optometrist.

Lutz: Died.

Frank: I never really knew my dad so I just lie to myself – space assassin.

Jack: I grew up without a father too, Frank. Good ole Billy Donaghey left when I was two. He’d show up every now and then to impregnate my mom, punch out umpires in little league.

Jack: So what are we doing next, fellows? Don’t tell me we’re calling it a night already.

Frank: How lame do you think we are? The night is young. We’re going to Lutz’s to watch movies. Tonight, a classic – Harry and the Hendersons. You in, Jack?

Jack: Uh, yes, but I don’t want to go to Lutz’s apartment. His contract is up and I don’t want to feel sorry for him.

Liz: Man, there are just so many different devices for guys to not call you on now. When I was your age you could just be like, “Oh, you probably tried to call me but my line was busy,” then just watch Falcon Crest and cry yourself to sleep.

Tracy: I don’t need a birthday cause I buy all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.

Pete: What is she doing here?

Liz: She is the show’s new youth consultant. It’s a thing……the CW has them.

Jenna: My heart goes out to all the inner city kids, especially those who are too fat to dance their way out.

Liz using a “Type slang here” search.

Pete: You have crossed a line, Liz Lemon. Becca’s never going to make it with those songs.

Liz: Says who? Being terrible has never prevented success in the music business. Look at Biz Markeie or The Doors.

Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial systems.

Frank: “My client, has no memory of that.”

Jack: I also would’ve accepted, “You can’t prove that’s the Governor’s semen.”

Kenneth: Oh but even prisoners have birthday parties. I saw one on Oz. It was….interesting.

Kenneth: I wish you felt better, so you could help us find out what Mr. Jordan’s birthday wish could’ve been.

Jenna: What? Why?

Kenneth: So we can make it come true, so his birthday can go on and on. We’ve narrowed it down to: own a Robocop, hunt the elephant that paints, or breakfast in bed.

OMG, I was laughing for minutes at the end with the whole “Harry and The Hendersons” theme playing during the Liz/Tim and Jack/Frank scenes

Liz: Dammit, Tim, wait. Becca does want to see you. She wants more than anything, okay.

Tim: No. When you said she didn’t want to see me, it was such a relief. This baby thing is freaking my out.

Liz: You know how many people want what just got dropped in your lap. “Oh, now that’s a good time. I want to go to Burning Mans.” Shut up, Tim!! Do you love, Becca?

Tim: She’s like my soul mate….

Liz: Your not listening to me, dummy. Nut up, right now! Get a job and help raise that kid. Love it because it has you goony face and get married and have disposable cameras at your wedding cause it’s fun and people like it.

(cut to)

Frank: Where are we going? I already cleaned out my office.

Jack: You gotta go back where you belong. You gotta go.

Frank: No, I’m going to be a lawyer. I’m going to be like you.

Jack: Get out of here! Go to the writers room! There is no scholarship! Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore!

(cut to)

Liz: Think about it, Tim. Do you really want your kid to grow up without a father?

(cut to)

Frank: Jack, I don’t really understand.

Jack (hits Frank): Why don’t you back where you came from! Leave me alone!

(Frank starts crying and walks away….like an ape)

Jack: Goodbye, my friend.

(cut to)

Liz: Those two….they grew up without fathers.

John Lithgow making an appearance (to tie in with the Harry and The Hendersons theme). Brilliant!

[Toups]

Episode 3.14: "The Funcooker"

Lutz is slent.

Liz: Shut up, Lutz.

Jenna passes out during the parade.

Tracy: Wake up, Mother F --------

Jenna puts on “chapstick”.

Jack: Jenna, that’s a glue stick

Liz is on the stand wearing her Princess Leia costume and holding the Playgirl magazines.

Liz (in her Princess Leia “accent”): And I don’t really think it’s for me to be on a jury because I’m a hologram.

Judge: You seem fine to me. Report to jury room B.

Liz: Charles what-now?

Lutz is slent.

Jack: Shut up, Lutz.

Jack: I’ve spent the better part of the last three years developing a portable miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent focused on coming up with a hip, edgy, name for the products available appeal to the marketing holy trinity: college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Kenneth (to Liz): Oh, you’re back. I guess I’m not in charge anymore. (Takes down a sign that says “No beards or moustaches in the workplace.”

Jack: Alright, everyone, it’s back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas. Everyone of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Frank: They knew what a Hot-Richard was?

Jack: So we’re going to think outside the box a little bit here. I’m going to pick some random letters from this bag of Scrabble tiles – let fate choose the name for us. V-A-G. (reaction of Frank) Why don’t we start over. N-I. (reaction shot from Toofer) I have an idea, why don’t I just pull them out all at once. H-I-T-L-E-R. Why don’t we take a break.

Dr. Spaceman slamming Jenna’s Bear head against the table.

Tracy’s commercial: Hi, I’m Tracy Jordan. My wife is throwing away some of our old towels. Do you want them? Cause they’re out by the trash cans. Now that’s got to be 30 seconds. Nine? Okay, here comes the fun cooker.

Episode 3.15: "The Bubble"

Jenna: I have decided to cut my hair and donate it to charity.

Kenneth: But Ms. Maroney, why would you cut your beautiful hair. You look like how I picture Mary Magdalene.

Jenna: Well, Kenneth, I am a selfless person who can’t get arrested in this town. Meanwhile, Tracy Jordan’s face is everywhere.

Pete: Jenna, I already explained that was a police sketch of a flasher who looked like Tracy….we hope.

Jenna: Whatever. He’s hogging the buzz.

Frank: You got buzz. You were in that magazine that time.

(cut to a magazine spread: Who wore it better? Miss Piggy with 84%, Jenna Maroney with 16%)

Kenneth to Pete: You’re what I think Judas looks like.

Jack: Tracy, I hope you know how much we value you here at TGS. I like to think of this staff as a family.

Tracy: This is better than a family. No one around here ask me for my damn bone marrow.

Jenna: Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty.

Pete: Fading.

Cerie: 80’s.

Richard: 1880’s.

Drew: It was nice of those guys to give up their court for us.

Liz: Yes…for us.

(Drew waves to these obviously gay guys who wave back)

Liz: Nope, I lost it – that was Batman.

Jack: As Tracy’s family and inner circle, I want enlist your help. While I’m sure you all treasure him being home more –

Tracy Jr.: I’m sorry. You want your help with your problem? Donaghy, you need to get our father back to work.

Jack: That’s what I’m trying to do.

Tracy Jr.: You want to see what he packed me for lunch today? Mayonnaise and a pack of cigarettes.

Jack: That is unfortunate.

Tracy Jr.: He set up a home recording studio in our rec. room. Thanks to you, I now have an unemployed father. (says something….but way to fast for me to understand.) Did you even vote for Obama?

Jack: We’ve heard from Tracy Jr…..where is your mother?

Tracy Jr.: She said she had to take a spa week at Canyon Ranch before my dad broke it in half. What does that even suppose to mean? I shouldn’t have to hear that! I’m a child!

Jack: Tracy Jr., George Foreman, I want to get your father back to work as much as you do. But what do I offer the man who has everything. I don’t know what to do.

Tracy Jr.: I didn’t come here to hear more excuses. I came here to see the dumbest cracker in all of New York. You gotta fix this, Donaghy, fix this!

Drew: That’s it! I quit! This racket is a farce and you cheat! You’re team bitch!

Tracy “singing”: Fat neck girl, let me count your neck riinnngs. (stops signing) I’m thirsty! Family, who’s in charge of my thirst!

Jenna: Thank you, Meredith. But please, I’m not a hero. I’m just trying to raise awareness that I’m more than that hot chick on Tracy Jordan’s show.

Meredith Viera: So this is for Locks of Love?

Jenna: Oh no. Locks of Love turned me down. They said my hair was too processed for a sick person to wear. But this is for a wonderful charity called Merkins of Hope.

Kenneth: I know. I blew it. I guess I’m only farm strong instead of heart strong.

Jack (looking in the mirror): I’ve got to get back into that bubble.

[Toups]

Finally caught up on episodes! LOL

Episode 3.16: "Apollo, Apollo"

Liz: You threw up.

Jack: What? As a kid, you never got so excited you vomited?

Liz: No. No one does that. I mean, I’ve peed a little.

(Cut to, an adult Liz laughing at Lutz because his tie is caught in a shredder)

Liz: I’m Lizzing, I’m Lizzing.

(Cut back)

Liz: Lizzing is combination of laughing and whizzing.

Jack: I wonder what that 10 year old would think if he could see himself now. Fly on a plane - I’ve flown on Air Force One. Go to Disneyland – Lemon, I’ve head Walt Disney’s frozen head in my hand.

Dennis: With the help of Web M.D., I was recently self-diagnosed as a sex addict.

Jack: Tracey, you cannot go into space. Your contract expressly prohibits dangerous activities, like extreme sports or riding the subway on St. Patrick’s day.

Tracey: What is this, Horseville? Cause I am surrounded by naysayers – word play.

Liz: That is solid.

Tracey: Look, when I was a kid growing up in the projects, I would look up at the stars and dream of going into space, of escaping the slum, of killing the Ewok.

Liz: You missed a call.

Jenna: Was it my doctor-slash-trainer?

Liz: No, it was Dennis. Dennis Duffy.

Jenna: Calling me? Why?

Liz: Well, Jenna. Dennis has been going around calling all the woman he’s ever had sex with.

Jenna: Did you speak to him?

Liz: Yes.

Jenna: Did you plan to be me?

Liz: I did.

Jenna: Did you do an impression of me?

Liz: Of course.

Jenna: Was it British?

Liz: It was.

Jenna: Oh my God, Liz…..First of all, the reason why I have some English inflection in my speech is because I lost my virginity to the ‘My Fair Lady’ soundtrack.

Liz: Jenna –

Jenna: Second, you guys had broken up and Dennis and I were on a very emotional place because of Hurricane Katrina.

Jack: Kenneth, I wonder what it’s like seeing the world through your eyes.

Kenneth: I don’t know, Mr. Donaughy. I think I see the world pretty much the same as everyone else.

(Cut to a muppet Jack singing) LMAO!!!

Jack: Tonight was supposed to be special. And all I could think of was that kid who was so happy he threw up. The closest I cam to vomiting tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter’s shoulder blades.

Deaf woman: Why didn’t you warn me? I was looking at your mouth.

Jack: I guess I just see the world the way I see it.

(Jack scans the room and see the worth of the stuff in the room. He gets to Kenneth and sees $7)

Liz’s muppet walk.

LMAO at Liz’s phone-sex commercial.

- Hi, I’m Bijou.

- Call us, in English, German or Polish.

- Liz’s lipstick stained teeth.

- 1-900-OKFACE

Frank: That’s not even enough numbers!

Lutz: WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

Episode 3.17: "Cutbacks"

Liz: Okay guys, I just want to say congratulations on our 50th show. That’s 50 hours of comedy, over 300 hundred sketches, 1 unsolved crew death and an Emmy magazine cover story (which reads: “The death of comedy”).

Jack: Cutbacks. Our parent company, Sheinheart Wigs, is announcing losses this quarter for the first time since the Civil War, and even I am not immune. I had to let Jonathan go today.

Liz: Oh my God, how did he take it?

Jack: Better than I expected.

(Cut to)

Jonathan singing: I can’t live if living is without you…..

Jack: Okay last verse, Jonathan.

Jonathan singing: I can’t liiiiiiiive…….

Liz’s Apple-esque presentation.

- Tracey: I’m Flava-Obama and I’d like to introduced our new Secretary of Housing Crystal Meth, booooooyyyyeeeeeeeeee.

- Jenna rapping in front of a crib with a Suri Cruise wig: My name is Suri Cruise, put your hands in the air, and I came out of the womb with a full set of hair.

Tracey: Well, just let me know if there’s any way I can help.

Kenneth: Actually, there is one thing.

Tracey: No! I was just saying that. Why can’t you read human facial cues.

Liz: Twenty-five percent? How am I suppose to cut a quarter of our budget.

Pete: Well there is some fat. What about Sid?

Liz: Sid? I can’t fire our announcer. He’ll lose his insurance. He has a lot of health problems.

Pete: Yeah, because he was hit by lightning and can’t really talk anymore.

(cut to TGS opening)

Sid: It’s turgis with (image of Tracy) Traky Jon-Jon and (image of Jenna) Jimmy Mope.

Jack: Matthew I know this isn’t easy, but the company is facing cutbacks and you have to admit your boom-box division is a little bit behind the times.

Matthew: We’re not behind the times, we’re groovy.

Liz: I don’t want to fire anyone and I don’t want to take anything away from my crew, and I want to keep making free long distance prank calls to people like, Seattle’s Richard Sackmuncher.

Jenna: Well, I had to study serial killers to prepare my role as criminal profiler Jill St. Ferrari in the Lifetime original mini-series ‘Hush Rapings’. And all mass murders share three characteristics: cruelty to animals…..

Tracey: He grew up killing pigs.

Jenna: Bed wetting.

Tracey: No wonder he’s fascinated when I do that.

Jenna: And an ability to read human facial cues.

Tracey: I admonished him for that earlier.

Lutz: Liz, our food is gone. They took it. It happened this morning. Do you have a cookie? Mommy’s baby needs his yum-yums.

Liz: Lee, I need that dress that Jenna wore for the hooker sketch, the heels he wears when he plays Michelle Obama and double, wait, triple spanx. I need a make up artists (A make up artist runs towards Liz). No…..the sluttier one.

Pete: I can’t go back to teaching high school math. Those girls say they aren’t woman, but they are!

Liz in her hooker look: They may take my dignity, but they will never take our straws!

(Everyone cheers)

Tracey: Kenneth is a murderer and the Riddler’s coming!

Jack: Ah, Lemon. I heard a rumour that you went out with one of the consultants last night.

Liz: Well, I had no choice. I had to give him a taste of the Lemon and it was not sour my friend, not sour.

Jack: That’s interesting you put it that way because your writers room is now the head quarters for Telemundo’s coverage of World Cup Soccer qualifying.

Liz: What-the-what?!! Brad and I had a deal. I gave him top-front.

Jack: Top-front? Good Lord, Lemon. That’s your worst quadrant.

Liz: Does it help if I tell you I thought we were doing sexual-espionage.

Episode 3.18: "Jackie Jormp-Jomp"

Jeffrey: Okay, now you all are here because you’ve been suspended from work for sexual harassment but through this seminar, you will learn the skills to keep you from making the same kinds of mistake that got you here.

Liz: Excuse me, Mr. “Winer-slauve”.

Jeffrey: It’s pronounced “Weiner- Slave”.

Liz: Okay……Jeffrey.

Jenna: Do you need a sex tape released? Cause I got a weird one. It’s night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.

Pete (dragging Tracy): You have to rehearse!

Tracy: No! Passive resistance! I learned that from Dr. King! I’m brave!

Kid Interviewer (to Jenna): Hi, I’m Ethan from Nick Magazine. Whose mom are you?

Jack: You being dead is the best thing that ever happened to this movie. Jenna, I want “to puck you”.

Jenna: Fine, but I have to pee first.

Jack: No, no, no, no. Tupac Shakur, the rapper. He sold 10 times more albums when he was dead then when he was alive. That’s what we’re going to do with this movie.

Jenna: Die young, become a legend…..just like Janis…or Rusty the Bear from “The Magicals.”

Jack: Yes. Now, you just need to stay dead while I sell the movie.

Jenna: Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan….Mr. Jordan, what did you do? You fired Daphne?

Tracy: I had to. Friendship and trust in an entourage is the most important thing, like that HBO show……John Adams.

Tracy (after the clip of young Jenna with her “mom” and “grandmother” in a commercial): That was some of Jenna Moroni’s earlier work. It’s hard to believe both of those women outlived her, especially the one of the right. We’ll be right back.

Episode 3.19: "The Ones"

Pete (to Toopher and Frank while Lutz is being attended to by a paramedic): I hope you guys have learned a lesson……because of what you did we almost lost a monitor.

Liz: Elisa has a terrible secret. My current theory is she’s the mother of Michael Jackson’s kids.

Jack: I’m 50….to put it perspective, that’s like 32 for ladies.

Female EMT: If he was here at night, he must work the evening shift.

Jenna: So there are different shifts, like on a Sheik’s pleasure yacht

Jenna: Oh for God’s sake, what is this, Third Watch?

Pete: Somehow Kenneth age strawberries again and now he’s gone in acute strawberry shock.

Jenna: Is that a thing?

Toopher: Just ask this real EMT.

EMT: We’re gonna have to cut off his hands to get the sickness out. He’s gonna have to learn how to urinate with his feet.

Pete: How could have this happened again?

Jenna: This is my fault. I did it. I just wanted that hot EMT to come back. I didn’t mean it to go this far. Oh Kenneth, I’m so sorry. But I am not a monster. I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy she poisoned, so this other boy would go to town on her.

Kenneth: I think she’s had enough, sir.

Frank: Oh Kenneth!

Jenna: What’s happening? Is this a trick? I knew it! I was just playing along. No, seriously, what’s happening?

Pete: Jenna, do you genuine remorse?

Jenna nods.

Pete: Thank God. Sociopath downgraded to extreme narcissist.

Jack: The one? Where did you hear that?

Tracy: It’s a thing I made up after seeing The Matrix.

Tracy: Okay, this is something I never told anyone. This is my terrible secret. In 20 years that I’ve known her, I’ve never cheated on my wife. There I said it…….Don’t look at me.

Jack: Wait a minute. That can’t be the truth.

Tracy: The partying is just for show and because I’m a high functioning alcoholic. All the phone numbers you see me hand out, they’re not even mine.

Cut to:

Brian Williams (phone rings): Hello. No, this isn’t Tracy Jordan……Really……..I’ve not heard of that term before……….Do you know how to get to Connecticut?

Episode 3.20: "The Natural Order"

Jack: He treated her like dirt all those years, coming and going, taking up with other women, including more than one Unitarian. Every time he came back I promised myself I would tell him off. I even had my speech all planned but I always chickened out. It’s the biggest regret of my life, Lemon…..and I once made love to Kathy Hilton.

Tracy and Liz’s “last laugh” laugh off.

Len: I’ve never seen anything like it. Everyone’s got something to hide. For instance, I’m wearing a child’s Halloween costume under this.

Liz: Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I’m a woman?

Jack: Well, I pay you a little less.

Liz: Okay, which one of us is going to give up first?

Tracy: The black one! I can’t take it anymore. I hate it!

Liz: One of the strippers took of Lutz’s shirt – that gland thing is no joke.

Tracy: Everything is upside down.

Liz: We need to go back to the way things were, with both of us getting preferential treatment.

Tracy: Yes, we upset the natural order – you going to strip clubs, I’m up writing all night.

Jenna: Look who’s a sailor.

Tracy: We’re dressing monkeys up as people and monkeys are playing with people as toys.

Episode 3.21: "Mama Mia"

Jack: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.

Jenna: This is it! This is the defining thing of my life. It’s not going to be that hit-and-run!

Tracy: Everybody gather up…..Actor announcement….No, human announcement. There’s something I want you all to hear directly from me before you read about it in next month’s issue of ‘Black Entrepreneur’ and ‘Butts Magazine’. I have an illegitimate son. Obviously my family and I wanted to keep this private but somehow those vultures in the media found out about it.

Cut to: (after Jack leaves from his talk with Tracy)

Journalist: So….should we continue our interview?

Tracy: OH NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liz: Okay, what about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy’s son because Tracy is 60.

Pete: No, that’s ridiculous.

Liz: Think about it. He can’t rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead.

Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn’t know how to use a computer, he’s always mad at the tv.

Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.

Liz: He might be 70.

Pete: Or he’s getting scammed.

Liz: This is Fred O’Dwyer. Mr. O’Dwyer, tell Jack the story you were telling in the elevator.

Fred: In War World 2, a Kraut grenade exploded my genitals.

Jack: So, no children, right.

Fred: No chance. Looks like a bowl of spaghetti-o’s down there.

Donald: Do you like magazines?

Kenneth: I sure like S & M magazines. S & M is my abbreviation for Super and Magical.

Lutz: Pete! Liz! I see you! Help mommy’s baby! Help mommy’s baby!

Episode 3.22: "Kidney Now!"

Woman: My fiancé and I keep arguing about our wedding plans and –

Liz: Nope! Your fiancé is gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic case of ‘fruit-blindness’. Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?

Man: One time in college……and a lot since then.

Dr. Spaceman: Opposite! Opposite! Opposite!

Jack: The Donaghy's do not talk, we let things fester, until they erupt in inappropriate anger, preferably during a wedding or an elementary school graduation

Kenneth: Science was my most favourite subject, especially the Old Testament

Liz: Where are you going to get a kidney from?

Jack: I don’t know but I have the entire Liberal media establishment at my disposal – the same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.

Tracy: There you are you stupid Cracker. You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace – no kids banging on the door, no phones ringing….it’s my time every Tuesday and Thursday at 3pm. I don’t know why I only go twice a week – that’s what Angie should be worried about!

Elvis Costello: You know when someone starts talking in the middle of a song, it's serious.

[Toups]

Episode 4.1: "Season 4"

Jack: Hello everyone. I’m so happy to see all you and to welcome you to “Season 4” which is of course the name of this restaurant…..

Jack: Tracy, you may come from humble beginnings but you’ve been rich for a long time. I think it’s affecting your act.

(cut to Tracy doing stand up)

Tracy: You know how at St. Barts people will be eating their lobster like this (makes hand gestures and noises)…….Don’t look at me in the eyes!

(cut back)

Tracy: Have I lost touch with my roots? I better talk to Rabbi Schmooley about this.

Jack: Ah, Josh, I totally forgot about him – you think that’s a good sign?

Liz: Are you kidding me…..remember when Jenna thought that blonde intern wanted to be an actress?

(cut to)

Intern: I’m studying acting and singing and someday I’m going to be just like you.

Jenna rips out the intern’s earing!

(cut back)

Pete: I never did find her earlobe.

Liz: No one can know about this.

Cerie: Know about what?

(Pete and Liz at the same time)

Pete: Liz’s uterus fell out.

Liz: Pete’s stealing money.

Tracy: I blame you and Dot.com. You two have built a protective shell around me like a hermit crab or a mermaid’s boobie. And now I’ve lost touch with the common man.

Jack: I’ll give you a New York minute – that’s 7 seconds.

Tracy going around asking random people:

Tracy: Hello fellow human being, would you like to ask me what time it is?

(cut to)

Tracy: Are you a large child or a small adult?

(cut to)

Tracy: You look regular. Can I guess your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Craigford? Is it Swimming?

(cut to)

Tracy: Are you a pre

(cut to)

Tracy: Excuse me, do you have change for a ten thousand dollar bill?

(cut to)

Tracy (to a hot dog vendor): I’d like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife’s rice to stay.

(cut to)

Tracy: Excuse me sir, do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?

(cut to)

Tracy: Does anyone want to be my friend? I’M NORMAL!!!

Jack: I'm in the middle of a RAGING PERIOD...of economic turmoil.

Jack: Len, this page strike is an embarrassment to the company.

Len: I get it. It’s like I tell me assistant, you’re weight is a reflection on me.

Frank: Are you guys doing it?

(Liz and Pete look at each other)

Liz: Yes….yes….we are doing it. So there you are, case closed. Pete and I are intercoursing each other.

Pete: Hi…honey.

Paula: Liz: I found your wallet in what our children call our big red car.

Liz: Paula….no…..

Paula: Let me get through this. If this what Pete needs, I would be willing to welcome you into our love making.

Liz: No…it’s not –

Paula: Pete, I know I haven’t been very sexual since my mother died.

Liz: No, Paula! Stop! Pete and I have been sneaking around because Jack is making us look for a new cast actor. But you can’t tell any of the actors.

Josh: Do you not see me?

Liz: Aw, dang it, I keep forgetting about you.

Jack: Guild me, tell me what to do…….(there’s a photo of Jesus….but Jack reaches behind it and grabs out a photo of….)……Nixon.

Jack: Where’s the bar?

Kenneth: Well, there’s a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep him from slipping – he still died in there though.

Liz: Ugh….I hate that I kinda like that.

Jack: Step into the light, Lemon. There’s nothing wrong with being fun and popular and giving people what they want. Ladies and gentleman, Jay Leno.

[jcar03]

Peter Reckell and Kristian Alfonso are going to be appearing on an upcoming episode!

[Sylph]

[Toups]

Episode 4.2: "Into the Crevasse"

From Liz’s “Dealbreaker” book: If your man is over thirty and still wears a nametag to work, that’s a dealbreaker!

Jonathan covering up the “Vatane” logo on Jack’s tie with a “JC Penney” tag.

Lutz: Also, my girlfriend is mad…..in Canada.

Tracey: Liz Lemon, you booger face. I’m going to kill you with my bazooka. (throws the “Dealbreaker” book that hits Jenna is the face)

Devon: Is it true, Mr. Donaghy that your executives routinely used company helicopters to dry their home tennis courts.

Devon: In 2007, a G.E. officer used corporate funds to throw a cabaret themed Halloween party on Fire Island.

Jack: As I recall, that was you.

Devon: You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack. Like sashimi or pizza.

Jack: You prefer cold pizza?

Devon: The morning after – it’s the best.

Jack: Better than hot pizza? That’s insane.

Devon: You don’t tell me what kind of pizza to like. You don’t tell me anything anymore, Jack. It was a year ago, you kicked me to the curb. I began plotting my revenge that very day. I knew that I had to align myself with something more powerful than G.E. And since American Idol is not on until January, that left the United States government. So I spent all last fall raising money, worming my way into Obama’s inner circle.

(cut to)

Devon (laying on the bed like a little girl): Oh my God, Malia, he did not say that. Let’s text him now.

(cut back)

Devon: After the election, I could’ve had any ambassadorship I wanted, even to the world’s gayest country, Ireland. Instead, I suggested I take on this task force. See, I had you in my sights the whole time. (makes a finger gun and a shooting sound)

Jack: What kind of gun was that?

Devon: A laser gun. It’s unstoppable.

Jack: You would destroy an entire company just to get me? Think of the pension, the employees, the kittens we used to test microwave strength.

Devon: Enjoy the view while you can Jack. You’ll be here for about 3 days tops.

Jack: That’s all on me, Banks, you watch me. I’ll make this company profitable so fast, the only headline will be: Donaghy saves G.E., comma, Marries your mom.

Devon: See you in a couple days, Jack. (shoots Jack with his finger laser gun)

Jack: Laser shield.

Tracy and Liz’s laugh off.

Tracy: You want to talk about the elephant in the room?

Liz: No, I don’t. I don’t even know why you brought that thing. (points to the elephant)

Tracy: I mean the figurative elephant. Liz, I’ve been reading your book and I see why Angie’s mad at me. “If your man has seven cell phones and won’t give you any of the numbers, that’s a dealbreaker. If your man owns a diamond necklace that says ‘Open Marriage,’ that’s a dealbreaker.” (Tracy shows his ‘Open Marriage’ necklace) Liz Lemon, everything I’ve done is in here! You used me to write your book!

Tracy: A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

The 1 minute of sun in Iceland! LMAO!!

Jenna: No, it’s not acting out. I have mercury poisoning….from obsessively taking my rectal temperature.

Devon: See you around, Jack. Thanks for letting me be such a big part of you hitting rock bottom.

Jack: Not yet, Banks. I can go lower…..into the crevasse.

Devon: What?

Jack You played this all wrong. You want to humiliate me…..you want to destroy me…..you should’ve walked in here with a check.

Devon: Again, what?

Jack: Sure, maybe you’ll ruined my career, maybe you’ll never see me again. But if you had force me to take government bailout money, you’d be my boss.

Devon: Oh my! You’d have to come down to Washington, report to me….Like a little school boy, your hand sticky from candy.

Jack: And the worst part is, I wouldn’t even want the money.

Devon: No you wouldn’t. Jack Donaghy taking welfare – it’d kill you.

Jack: So many jobs at stake.

Devon: You’d have to take it. I’d make you, I’d make you take it all.

Jack: I’ll roll over and let you give it to me.

Devon: I’m honestly not trying to make this sound gay.

Jack: No one is. It’s just happening.

Devon: One word to the President and I own you. I own this office. I own that fancy little fellow outside.

Jack: It’d kill me, but I’d do it for the company.

Devon (talking into this cell phone): Hey Sasha, is your dad home. What? You have to invite everyone to your party?

Jenna: Oh Liz, thank you for giving me the hotter porn lady.

Tracy: And cut….this is disgusting…shut it down.

Episode 4.3: "Stone Mountain"

Jack: Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn’t want your elitist-east coast-alternative-intellectual-left wing ---

Liz: Jack, just say Jewish, this is taking forever.

Jack: Stop trying to amuse yourself and start thinking about what actual human beings laugh.

Lutz: Who wants……. (trips and falls)

Liz and Jack start laughing.

Jack: Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Liz: What a dumb….oh no he’s really hurt.

Frank: Hey Trac, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the overweight guy Pac-Man was based on, died last night.

Tracy: I’m going to eat a bowl of cherries and ghost meat in his honour.

Kenneth: Ms. Marony, are you okay?

Jenna: Oh, I’m fine. Just reminding the writers who’s boss. With this new actor coming in, I want to make sure I’m taken care of. I’m not going to be pushed aside and forgotten like that time at my sister’s funeral.

Jack: Tracy, you have nothing to worry about. The rule of threes is a myth. It doesn’t exist, like going bald with dignity.

Tracy calling Betty White: BOO!!

Frank: Stop filling Jenna’s wig with raw shrimp.

Toofer: Why?

Frank: We need to pretend to be Jenna’s friends for the next 24 hours. She’s our ticket to a gay Halloween.

Lutz: How come when Jenna suggests it, everybody’s on board?

Frank: No, Lutz. Jenna attracts gay guys. Gay guys throw awesome Halloween parties. Hot girls go to awesome Halloween parties, ergo, if we’re Jenna’s “friends”……

Lutz and Toofer (at the same time): We spend Halloween with…..

Toofer: …..hot girls

Lutz: ……gay guys…….hot girls.

Liz: God, why are you doing this to me? Is it because I took that blind guy’s hot dog?

Sasha: Girl, I don’t even have the energy to tell you what’s happening here. So read my face.

Jenna: Oh my God! They’re using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.

News anchor: In entertainment news….Local funny man and sub shop owner, Rick Wayne, has been hired by a Catholic to appear on TGS with a black fellow.

Jack: You’re wrong, Lemon. These people are better, purer. Do you know what I did this morning….I assisted in a birth of a foal. They named it Jack…..and it was delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m trying to get to Studio 6B from here…I’m still finding my way around.

Tracy: You look clean. You a celebrity?

Fallon: I have my own show on NBC.

Tracy: No! Celebrity!

Fallon: I was in a movie with Queen Latifah once.

Tracy: Perfect, I’ll show you a short cut.

Fallon: You sure this is the right way.

Tracy: Yes, Queen Latifah’s friend. I’m sure. (grabs a hammer)

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan! Are you trying to kill Mr. Fallon with that hammer?

Fallon: What the hell! Is this a rule of threes thing? Not cool, guy. (leaves)

Tracy: I’m sorry Kenneth. But I want to live.

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, you’re going to be fine. There is no rule of three.

(Jimmy Fallon runs back with axe, Tracy raises his hammer)

Fallon: Okay, okay, truce. But if some celebrity doesn’t die soon, I’m going to kill my first guest tonight – it’s a dog who plays soccer.

Kenneth: Really? That’s your first guest?

Fallon (defeated): Yeah….

[CassieFan]

ZDF is not even available in whole Germany.. it's like Direct TV in USA...

[Toups]

Great episode! Best of the season so far.

Episode 4.4: "Audition Day"

Jack: I’m already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.

Liz: Are you okay?

Jack: See that’s exactly what I’m talking about – human empathy. It’s as useless as the Winter Olympics……this February on NBC.

Kenneth: Vampir!

Jenna: Tracy, I just heard they’re closing down the set today. Do you think it’s for auditions?

Tracy: Jennifer M, why are you so worked up?

Jenna: Because it’s going to be a disaster, like Katrina. Do you remember Katrina? That crazy girl from hair and makeup.

Tracy: Nothing’s going to chance. They’re going to hire some skinny white guy, how is that a threat? You’ll do your lady characters and I’ll get on stage and people will laugh even when I forget my…uh….my….. line (as in theatre!!)

Grizz: Line.

Tracy: ……lines.

Jenna: What are our options besides Jayden Michael Tyler.

Liz (sarcastic): A lot of good people.

Jenna: Your setting him up to get it. What, you don’t think I know that trick. You don’t think I’ve been brought on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall seem grounded and human.

Brian Williams’ New Jersey accent.

Jenna: Pete and Liz want to hire this guy Jayden. He’s evil, Tracy.

Tracy: He’s evil Tracy??!!!!

(Jenna shoots him a confused look)

Tracy: Ohhhh!! He’s evil, comma, Tracy. LMAO!!!!

Jayden: Maybe this will convince my mom to stop sending me law school applications.

Liz: My mom use to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.

Jenna: If you are a funny gay man, please get into the car.

Tracy: I repeat! All funny gays into the car.

Gay guy: I’m not gay…..BI-larious!!

Janitor: For my first character, I’d like to do an old janitor who’s finally had enough and stabs everybody!

Kathy Geiss singing ala Susan Boyle.

[Toups]

Episode 4.5: "The Problem Solvers"

Jack: Lemon, I was in Beijing this weekend buying a reality show format where criminals dance their way to freedom.

Liz (in Chinese): “Prison Breakdance”

Jack: I also bought this…the Chinese knockoff of your book.

Liz: What! ‘Dealbreaker: the book for you, man no good’ by Lesbian Yellow-Sour-Fruit

Janitor: He looks like all the guys in my magazines.

Danny (flashback to Canadian football movie): All right, Hosers, I want all 12 of us fighting for every metre on all 3 downs. We’re going to make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget.

Tracy: He knows you’re special, like a black stripper with blue eyes.

Jack’s arm gesture

Jenna: Danny, around here we’re known as the Problem Solvers.

Tracy: Always have been, always will be.

Jenna: And we think you can use a little guidance.

Danny: Yes. Please. I don’t even know where the bathrooms are around here.

Tracy: It’s not about the room, Danny, it’s about the man. Any room around here you see with a door, make it your bathroom.

Kenneth (puts on rubber globes): Now are you ready to get started?

Tracy: No! I’ll brush my own teeth.

Jenna and Tracy switching t-shirts! LMAO!!

Jack: Simon, we’re both men of the world.

Simon: Yeah, I’ve seen some bras.

Jack: I bet you have. Here’s the thing, no one is suing anyone.

Liz: Don’t let him push you around.

Simon: I’m not! God, leave me alone.

Jack: NBC employs 80% of your agency’s client between ‘Are You Stronger Than a Dog?’ and ‘I’m a Celebrity Dog, Get Me Out Arf Here’.

Jenna: Scotty Shofar, I know that. What does he look like/

Tracy: I don’t know. All white people look the same to me, Pete.

Kenneth: Ms. Marony, your Mexican diet pills came. Should I start taking them to test their side effects?

Jenna: Kenneth’s the best.

Tracy: He knows what I want before I do.

Kenneth: Who’s hungry? (shows pizza box)

Tracy: I wanted waffles.

(Kenneth opens up the pizza box filled with waffles)

Everyone: YAY!!!

Agent: What’s up? Nothing. Just meeting with this Dealbreakers lady. I don’t know, regular 6, drunk 7.

Jack and Liz’s “romantic movie ending”: running towards each other, the circling camera effect:

Jack: Lemon.

Liz: Jack.

Jack: I was wrong. It’s you, it’s always been you. I’m going to do business with you, Lemon.

Liz: I’d like that.

(They shake hands, instead of the kissing.)

[Toups]

Episode 4.6: "Sun Tea"

Liz: They could’ve done: “Geiss Screams – Son Pay.” You know like: “Ice Cream Sunday.”

News announcer: After the deposition, Kathy Geiss’ lawyer offered this rebuttal.

Teddy Ruxpin doll: My name is Teddy Ruxpin, can you and I be friends? LMAO!!!!!

Kenneth: “Global warming” sir? I’m sorry, that’s just a bunch of scientist talk Same people that have you believe that my great-grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?

Jack: You’re preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth, I have these rare blossoms flown every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That’s the definition of green. And yet they force us do to more….more sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?

Kenneth: Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Kenneth: Well, I’m gong to be grumpy until the end of this sentence.

Flashback Jenna: I know it’s my turn to do the dishes but I’m in character and if you make me do the dishes (picks up dirty knife), I WILL KILL MYSELF!

Jack: Tracy…..Tracy Jr. To what do we owe this visit?

Tracy: It’s take your black kid to work day.

Jack: Do you ever regret having children?

Tracy: Everyday! I thought having a family was going to be like the Cosby Show. “Oh no, Vanessa went to a concert. Oh no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.” The Cosby Show was a lie.

Dr. Spaceman: A vasectomy is a very serious decision. I want to make sure you both thought this through.

Jack: I have. I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided I don’t want to have children.

Dr. Spaceman: (checks off on the form) Family planning. And what about you, Tracy?

Tracy: The Cosby Show lied to me.

Dr. Spaceman: I don’t think there’s a box for that on the form. What about Cheers lied to me? Okay….Now for the procedure, you can choose between local or general anesthesia. I should warn you the general anesthesia can cause powerful hallucinations, so I highly recommend it. I’ll schedule both of your for the morning. This is surgery, so don’t eat anything before you come in….because I’ll have a big breakfast waiting for you. Until tomorrow gentlemen. We all see the little black boy in the corner, right?

(Jack and Tracy nod)

Dr. Spaceman (relieved): Oh….okay.

Liz: Brian is gay, Jenna. The drama didn’t make him want to move out.

Jenna: Well of course not. Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.

Liz: Dammit, he’s never going to leave.

Tracy: Trying to get someone to move out? May I suggest what got my neighbors to move out – black person moved in and scared them off.

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, as I’m sure you know, it is green week. And NBC –

Liz: Oh brother. Are they actually going to do something this year or are they going to just put that stupid green peacock on the corner of the screen?

(Kenneth looks at the corner of the screen where the green peacock is)

Tracy’s Cosby Show hallucination!

Tracy: That’s why my life is not like the Cosby Show, I only have boys and boys are disgusting. I need a baby girl. (To the audience) Don’t patronize me. Stop laughing, it’s not funny.

Newspaper headline: “Family Dis-Geiss” (Pun on “Disgrace”)

Kenneth: Ms. Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office. You made a promise to Masi Oka. (reads pamphlet) “Conserve electricity, don’t be a zero, be a good guy.” Now why doesn’t that say ‘hero,’ that feels like a missed opportunity.

Dr. Spaceman: If the patient’s friend runs into the operating room and yells at you, you have to stop. It’s the doctor’s code.

Liz: Don’t talk to me like that, you look like a turtle who lost his shell.

Tracy: What made you change your mind?

Jack: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.

Tracy: Well I hope he makes me a lacross helmet so I don’t get hurt playing lacross. Now come on, that’s pretty solid for a guy who just came out of an hallucination.

Frank: Hey Tracy! Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story.

Tracy: Frank, I’m going to have a daughter and I would never tell that story. It’s demeaning to women, especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Al Gore: Kenneth, encourage your law makers to take action and recycle everything……including jokes.

Kenneth: I’m sorry, sir, what?

Al Gore: Quiet…..a whale is in trouble. I have to go.

[Toups]

Tina Fey has her awards reel with this episode!

Episode 4.7: "Dealbreakers Talk Show No. 0001"

Jack: There’s a lot of history in Studio 4C – “To Catch A Predator,” The XFL Half-Time Show, Storage for broken copier equipment……and now Dealbreakers.

Tracy: Liz Lemon, recently I realized I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It’s cause I don’t have a daughter.

Angie: I’m not going to raise another child by myself.

Tracy: What are you implying? I’m an attentive father.

Angie: Oh please, Tracy. Where were you last week during Tracy Jr.’s birthday party?

Tracy: There was a better kid’s birthday party up the street.

Jack: If you’re calling to check in on your bailout money, just read the budgets we went. We’re getting more efficient everyday. Our health care costs are way down since we started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant.

Dr. Spacemen: This machine is a genuine…….Lasig? Curious.

Dr. Spacemen: You seem nervous, I can give you something for that. But you know what, I’m not suppose to have sex with my patients.

Frank as Liz.

Liz’s Dealbreakers main titles sequence.

Pete: Great and smile….with your mouth.

Pete: Wave to a friend…..Wave like a human being….Remember waving?

Pete: Are you spinning a basketball?

Liz stepping in front of the high def camera.

Pete walks by the high def camera – he’s an old man. Kenneth walking by the high def camera – he’s a Muppet. LMAO!!

Jack steps in front of the high def camera – he’s a young Jack (a young Alec Baldwin).

Jack: I can’t do that. If this thing loses money, I might as well let Banks play out one of his gay home invasion fantasies on me.

(Water is coming out of Liz’s mouth)

Jack: Good God, Lemon, what is that?

Liz: This is how I cry now, ever since you made me get that off brand eye surgery.

Jack: Lemon, what have we done to do!?

(Water is coming out of Liz’s mouth)

Liz: I’m back…I’m back.

(Bo and Hope watching Liz’s main titles)

Bo: What is that….what is this tv show?

Hope: It’s very distracting.