Members Eric83 Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 This is a pretty emotional post and I usually don't delve into my business on the Internet but it is what it is as they say. Well I think it's pretty common knowledge that I am GAY. I am turning 32 this year and ready to settle down with someone I met two years ago. He's 28 and a great guy. He is out to his family. And they're totally okay with it. He's kind of the first man I have been with that has forced me to confront my demons. My parents KNOW but they are in denial. My siblings know and accept me but keep the secret. My extended family may speculate as I have NEVER brought a woman around them. I'm over it. I am tired of hiding who I am to my family and to the majority of others. My closest friends all know and don't care. When I think of telling my parents I revert back to the 12 year old boy I was when I tried coming out and mother called me a f.ggot and said I was her daughter and my dad told me these were unnatural feelings that would go away. I've buried my feelings so deep for so many years it's hard for me to be completely honest with others. I'm so used to holding things in and it's affecting my present-day. I have decided that I will be making the big plunge in 2015. No more secrets, no more hiding but I just don't know exactly HOW. Do I need to make a Facebook post so I know it will circulate? Do I need to sit down face to face and tell key individuals? Mainly my parents, grandmothers (grandfathers are both dead), and a select couple of aunts or should I just live my life and just let them pick up on it if they want? This is really stressful and something I wish wasn't a big deal but it is. When I think of all the things I have went through because of my sexual orientation I am surprised I am still here. Yes, suicide was a thought for me at one point. Smh. Whew sorry for spilling so much. I needed to vent. I promise yall I am better now but I just needed advice and I wanted to hear other opinions and coming out stories before I make a decision. No negativity please!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DRW50 Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 I'm not comfortable giving advice, because it's not my life, but, as hollow as it sounds, I hope you know we'll be here to support you no matter what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Days22 Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 I feel compelled to respond. I probably shouldnt because I'm not gay and certainly dont know the struggle of coming out. I do know the adversity to a lesser extent of a mixed relationship. Dating a black girl from totally different backgrounds and Bringing her around certain friends and family members is a chore because some people are annoyingggggg. But that is still different than your feelings. I just think people needs to live their own lives though. It would be nice if everyone is supportive. If it makes you feel more comfortable to talk to the important people in your life individually then i think thats the route you should take. Does anyone elses opinion beyond them reallyyyyyy matter? I feel like Im just rambling now but I guess my point is just to try and bring in a little positivity and hope that this some how becomes less stressful for you. Whichever route you feel more comfy with but that also lets you live and enjoy your own life/self/relationship is what you should do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members All My Shadows Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 I say live your life and let them pick up on it. Don't be secretive anymore. Make your profile pic your favorite shot of you and your man, tell them that you're going somewhere fancy with him, etc. You've tried to come out once, so they shouldn't be surprised. If they choose to ignore it, that's on them. You'd have done the things you need to do in order to let them. Sitting people down to come out to them just invites too much negativity, IMO. You're giving them an outlet to voice all of the ass-backward things they want to say. If you just go about your life eliminating the secrets, then they'll have no choice but to see it for what it is. They'll still talk, but not as much when they see you doing your thing with no problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members NothinButAttitude Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 I'm the opposite as I am struggling with this too, but I'd tell you to sit down and talk to each one of them one on one. Do NOT post it on Facebook until you've spoken to your family. While you'll surely get support from your friends and siblings, I think it would break your family members' heart to learn a secret via the web. Hmmm.... I'd try your grandmothers first, shockingly. Grandparents tend to be the most understanding and if you have them in your corner, you'll have all the support you need. Just explain to them your struggle of hiding this secret in a calm manner. Tell them that you didn't choose to be gay as it isn't a choice. Tell them about the great guy you're dating and how you're ready to settle down. I don't know your grandmothers personally but I see them being understanding. They've lived long lives and are at the point where they know you only have one life to live. I just don't see them holding this against you. I personally regret telling my grandmother on her deathbed, who shockingly received it well. She took the secret to her deathbed with her. I wish I would've told her sooner b/c she would've been a fighter in my corner. Next, I'd tell your mother. Mothers, like grandmothers, are natural nurturers. Unless she's a religious zealot, she'll have a better chance of receiving it well. Your father might have the hardest but you said you think they know. Hell, they have to know. At this point, I think they are ready for you to come clean. I think they may've made their peace with it years ago and are just waiting on you. Get your siblings, who are supportive to help you confront them individually if necessary. After going through the family, dropping the bomb then reveal it online to everyone else and go on from there. Those that don't support you, give them their space to process it. Those who are receptive will come to you. Those who don't aren't meant to be apart of your journey and cut them out. Life is too short to be living in negativity and to be stressing. I'm learning all this now at 26. Again, you are not alone as I am about near my wits end of holding my secret in too. It's time we both live in our truths. But lucky you that you have a man to support you! Good luck and keep me abreast of what occurs. XOXO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThePrinceOfSunspear Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 I told my parents, my siblings and then posted on Facebook and that was that. Silly as it sounds I had to force myself to post on Facebook so that I knew there was "no going back". I truly feel you though on reverting back. Telling my mom was probably the sickest feeling I've ever experienced in this life. But you'll feel very relieved afterwards. Best of luck to you and your man tho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ChitHappens Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 You betta PREACH! In all honesty, I would have 12 consecutive strokes if my daughter told me she was gay, but she knows I have her back no matter what. However, in 2015, we still owe "confessions" about our sexuality? Nope! No way. I say invite your parents to dinner with Maximus, and if they decline, start bringing him to family events, but warn him that your parents haven't gotten there yet. You owe it to yourself to be happy, and if Maximus makes you happy, so beit! You parents have a right to feel the way they want, but they can't visit that upon you. You've come to terms with your sexuality, and that is all that matters! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bright Eyes Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 Almost three years ago, to come out, I just text my mom. Her long winded reply was, "Okay." She told my Dad, and my uncle and aunt happened to be with them at the time so she told them, too. The next time I saw them, my Dad told me he wasn't bothered. There was no in depth conversation, confrontation or anything like that. Previously, I was already out socially for years. Of course, the older people in my family, and some cousins, are more on the conservative side. They can be racist, misogynistic, bigoted to a point, but when it comes to me, even if they are uncomfortable with me being with men, they just want me to live my life, take care of myself and be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ReddFoxx Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 With my mother, I did it through a hypothetical. I asked her what if I was gay and she asked if I was, and I said yes. It was pretty scary for a couple of hours, because I felt abandoned, even though I was 27 years old (this was almost a couple of years ago). But, after she was able to put things in perspective, she was fine with it and we are actually closer than before. I've only told her so far, since she was the main person I was concerned about finding out. It was a burden lifted, and it wise decision. I do not advise doing this over Facebook, as anything as personal as this needs a personal conversation. Even family that is willing to accept your truth might be offended by this, because it seems so impersonal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members All My Shadows Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 My main thing is that he already tried to tell them and they shut him down. Who has the time? If I hadn't blurted it out to my mother, she would have never let me tell her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Soapsuds Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 Yeah especially with the faggot part by his mother. Its one thing to be upset but to use name calling against your own flesh and blood is so wrong. Eric, I really dont have any advice since I am in the same boat as you. I will say do what makes you happy because one day you will look back and have so many regrets of what ifs....be happy cause it is your life to live not your parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Days22 Posted March 3, 2015 Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eric83 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thank you. To be quite honest my parent's opinions do not matter but it just doesn't feel right cutting them out of my life when they are my parents. That's the only reason I am still entertaining the thought of telling them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eric83 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 You're right. I do feel that at the least a sit down with my parents is necessary but my mother is crazy as hell. She says the most vile and disgusting things when she argues. The issue with her is she's honestly very ignorant. So when she gets an argument where she doesn't have valid facts she starts cursing and hitting me. I guarantee if I ask her to point out in the Bible where it talks about homosexuality or told her that you also aren't supposed to have sex outside of marriage, eat pork, or wear make up she would slap me and tell me to get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eric83 Posted March 3, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 3, 2015 Thanks. I'm not very close with my paternal grandmother so I don't really think I will tell her. She is messy and will run her mouth about it to everyone. My maternal grandmother I have a better relationship with as she only has 3 grandchildren as opposed to my other side which has 30 grandkids. I am scared how she will react but I know she's seen a lot in her years and could possibly be understanding. As for my parents chile my mother is WORSE than my father. She is one of the most hateful people I have ever encountered in my life. A staunch homophobe who got pissed when I said I felt she treated my lesbian cousin differently. She got mad that I said she hates gays when she's said as much to ME! My father isn't here for it but he is not irrational about it. He just said he can't condone no matter what and he believes in Jesus/God//The Bible above all else. These experiences/spiritual journey are apart of the reason I no longer identify as a Christian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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