SON fam I need you

[Mr. Vixen]

First off, I just want to say that I love you buddy, and I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't really offer any helpful advice, as I have yet to find the courage to come out to my parents and siblings, even though they're all very much supportive of equal rights and same-sex marriage. My story is not an original or groundbreaking one. I'm out to my close friends, and socially, but not widely. Even here, for a long time, I hid. Part of it was just natural fear and confusion, and another was just that I don't really like labels and for a long time I felt like I didn't fit into any one "box", and I didn't really start to be happy until I realized that I don't need to.

This year at Christmas, my grandmother (who in most aspects is incredibly loving) was making a ton of anti-gay, homophobic comments. I'm not out to anyone in my family, and her comments were obviously really bothering me and hurting me and so I excused myself to another room. But what really made me happy was that all of my family members who heard what she was saying (aunt, mother, cousins), vehemently disagreed with her and told her she sounded ignorant. And it just made me smile and feel reassured to know "Hey, when that time does come...these people've got my back". And I guess my point in telling you that is just to remind you that, even if your parents are not accepting or say hurtful things, just remember that there are a lot of people who love you and support you unconditionally, so try and focus in on that.

You've got to be happy and live your truth and, as much as it may hurt to have people react negatively to that, ultimately you have to do what is best for you.

I hope this post didn't come off as me attempting to make your situation about myself. I just want you to know you have my support always, and I wanted to offer some advice (even though It probably isn't very helpful).

[Eric83]

I didn't think that at all. I love hearing other people's stories!

Thank you.

[Cheap21]

I second that. Im sending good thoughts your way and hope it all works out for the best

[allmc2008]

I didn't know were to start until I read this post so here it goes. Oh, I want to explain to you my situation first to shed a bit of empathy as our situations do seem a bit similar.

I'm kinda in the same boat as you. I told my parents a year ago and on my BIRTHDAY they told me that they are "disappointed you are gay although you can't change it. However, we will not accept you dating men and if you do we will through you are your stuff out of our house because we do not approve. That being said, like we did with you sister, we would want to meet your man first."

My mother also went on about how she envisioned my sister to take after her friends daughter, meaning, following all of the conventional norms in place for girls in our country. My sister, you see, had a child out of wedlock and my mother a few years ago was on the church board and she is the one who had them put in a policy that stated women who had children out of wedlock could not participate in any of our activities. Of course, my sister is openly agnostic whereas my mothers friends daughter is catholic.

As for me, mother told me she wanted me to take after her other friends sons. They are basically misogynistic and bigoted goat-ropers who live out on a ranch in Oklahoma. Anyway, they are the ideal mans-man. Completely Macho. I, on the other hand, love soaps, musicals. and disco. They call that either 'sissy stuff' or 'fag stuff'. I was at one of the families wedding and the bride had purple as one of her wedding colors and they said, "I hate that we have to wear purple as it makes us look like fags.' As I was saying though, my mother dreamed of me owning a ranch and having several children (5) with a girl who dreamed of being a homebody/housewife. She told me that me being gay, 'officially makes my dreams and expectations of how I want you to turn out to be just that, a dream.'

Oddly enough though, my grandmothers preacher and one of my grandmothers dearest friends, who is also a preacher, are VERY accepting to homosexuals.

Dad, on the other hand, is a bit more tame. He pretends I'm straight so whenever we see a gal walking on the sidewalk as we drive he says, "I bet you wanna lather up in those hooters."

Like you, I'm close with my grandmother on my moms side and my mother is the least accepting whereas my father may come around.

Anyway, I think you should do what I plan on once I move out and give them an ultimatum, "accept me now or you will never see me again." Of course, I would rather have them OUT of my life because of all the awful things they did say to me and about my sister not to mention they are the most vile and negative people on earth. They just CANNOT see the beauty of this world. To them, everything is doom/gloom and everyone is out to get you.

Sorry, by the way, for my long response. I didn't expect it to be as long as it is. Just no that I'm here to support you and if you need to vent to me feel free to do so.

Oh, sorry if this made it seem I made this about myself.

[KMan101]

You definitely have support here. I totally understand what you're going through. I spent so long hiding without even realizing I was hiding. On one hand, most people do already know. They're just waiting for you to come to them. Not that you HAVE to, but when I started casually dropping it to close friends and co-workers, it just wasn't a big deal. I also know how very lucky I am. I'm still not able to completely come out with it to some other friends, even when asked. So .... lol. The buildup is usually FAR worse than the reality. At least it should be, but not always.

Sounds like you do have a tough situation. Honestly, I'd just either start bringing the man around and let them just deal with it, or sit them down, explain why telling them matters to you, and go from there. I'm hardly an expert. Most friends will still have your back and again, many already know and are just waiting to hear that confirmation. I have received many "it's about time".

With my mom, she's awesome, so I'm extremely lucky in that department. My family is supportive. It's just such a non issue. I keep saying this because it's not everyone's reality, but I'm very very lucky. Anyway, with my mom, I had my older half-sister with me, who sort of gave me that last push I needed. I don't feel like I was ever truly scared to say anything, it was just a matter of how, when, etc. and after a while it just became excuse after excuse. I just told her and it was fine. Maybe have a supportive sibling nearby or with you? Someone who's there to encourage you to not back down.

As others have said, those that matter will stick around and those that don't, while it may be hard, you just have to let go and live your life for you. I started the process of telling folks a few years ago and then lost my job so I sort of closed myself off again and then once I told my mom, the weight was just gone and I'm so much happier. People are gonna hate and it hurts, and I've yet to experience true hate, so I can't speak from that (again, I'm very lucky at the moment) but you just have to be you. Live for you. I spent too long living for others.

Not sure if that ramble made sense or helped and I don't know you all that well from here but we have your back and most of us can relate. I hope it does help to know that so many DO share the same thing you are going through (to various degrees).

I would only do the facebook thing after you tell who you want to tell in person. If they just can't accept it, don't hold back in posting pictures of you two, don't not bring him with you to functions, just live life. They're scared. It's not my defending anyone's homophobia but they're scared, ignorant, and just don't know how to accept it. Showing them could help ... again, I'm rambling.

[Chris B]

I just suddenly had a boyfriend and when people asked me I told their assets to stop playing like they didn't know my gay ass was gay. I'm not bothered by what others think so I never did the typical coming out. Same with work. Everyone knows I'm gay and a drag queen and if that bothers them I don't give a damn. As a result, I've never had any issues and notice people are more accepting. When you make a big deal out of it you give them power to use their prejudices against you. You have to live your life and if people don't accept you that's their problem.

[Khan]

It's like what Cher once said (and I'm paraphrasing): there are only two people whose opinions I care about, myself and God's -- and everyone else can go !@#$%^&*] themselves.

[All My Shadows]

I totally agree with this. "Coming out" to people, IMO, gives off the impression that you were hiding something, which isn't always the case. With family and long-time friends who clearly think you're straight, then yeah, it's necessary to tell them otherwise. But I've had friends who have never mentioned any thought of me being with a woman, and they were not at all surprised when I made a passing comment about a man being attractive or something of the sort.

The only people I've ever "come out" to were various friends in high school and then, years later, my parents. In between, I went to college at a local university, and the friends I made there found out via comments I'd make in passing or just random conversations we'd have. Same thing at the clothing store I worked at for three years, and it was basically the same thing with my colleagues at the school I've been at since August. I just don't feel the need to make it a point to tell anyone -- they don't *need* to know. At the same time, it's not a secret, so if we're in the lounge at lunch talking about failed relationships, I'll mention some sh!thead dude I was interested in, and if they didn't know before, then they know now. That's basically how I treat it with every new person I meet.

The only iffy situations I have now are with family members who STILL haven't figured it out and with over curious students. On the one hand, I don't have to tell them my personal business, but on the other hand, what am I showing them if I get extremely offended/secretive/uncomfortable when the subject comes up? Two of my students know for sure because I've told them. One girl was really upset over a break-up, so I told her that 9th grade relationships aren't meant to be -- if I was with the guy I'd crushed hard on in the 9th grade, my life would be complete and utter sh!t. The other one kept making snide comments about it, so I finally pulled him out into the hallway, laid down the law, told him that yes, his teacher is as gay as the day is long, but it wasn't his business, and it didn't change the fact that I am still his teacher. He's been up my ass trying to be teacher's pet ever since then.

[SFK]

That is so interesting, I've wondered how LGBTQ teachers handle the subject of their sexuality with their students in this day and age. Kids can be so blunt and rude and downright nasty. And they can be incredibly sensitive, kind, and respectful. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who would raise Cain if they found out their child's teacher openly discuss his or her sexuality in class. Of course if children knew their place as children they wouldn't ask their teachers personal questions, but at the same time, children need to be taught tolerance and not given the impression that aspects of who we are should be treated as dirty little secrets. Lately with work, I have encountered quite a few trans women who are very obviously born male. I imagine what it would be like for them to stand in front of a classroom full of children. Job discrimination is a touchy issue, but I imagine there must be some degree of discussion that must go on before taking on such an intimate and important job as a teacher of children from K-12. College, in my experience, was a whole new world of acceptance (I'm sure it helped that I went to an arts school).

[alphanguy74]

Most likely this summer gay marriage will be legal in all states. I say just tell em, and if they react REALLY badly, just tell them it was caused by their failure as a parent. Your'e a grown person, you don't owe sh!t to nobody.