Edited January 2, 200817 yr by Ryan Chandler
Added New Picture

What a JUICY soap!

I'm sorry you had to go through all that embarrassment, AMS. I couldn't possibly hang out with the same people after they humiliate me. Usually when people throw shade at me like that I shut them out & never speak to them again; But now I'm starting to think maybe when I'm old enough to start drinking that could change...;-P.

If things can never go anywhere between you & Scott (the soap fan in me is hoping theres a miracle way), I hope you will be able to get past it eventually and find someone else (this time not from your work).

I could get used to SON scandalous story time. I have a few of my own HS stories from this past 4/5 years I could tell but i fear one of my track mates, teachers or even enemies could stumble across it on here. LMAO. You're brave, AMS!!

OK, so months and months and months -- nearly a year -- later, here I am to update you all on what's been going on in the love life of AMS.

First, let me just say. 2012...has been f!cking nuts. Absolutely crazy. I did something I'd been scared to do since childhood, I made it through something I wanted so desperately to quit on, and I've asserted myself and opened up in ways I never thought I'd be able to. In short, 2012 has been hard, but it's been extremely rewarding!!

Part of the reason why I've been a little hesitant about telling the story here is because the story is so complicated and soapy that anyone involved who stumbles upon this thread on this message board on this site would immediately know what it's all about and that I'm the one posting it. I'm willing to risk that, though, for the sake of bringing good drama to you all.

So, Christmas came and went. I became adamant about trying things out with work guy (who we'll call Scott). I ended up writing something that was more sweet/friendly than flirty in the Christmas card, and he really appreciated it. Nothing amazing happened as I'd hoped -- no big displays of sudden love and affection -- but it was a beginning. The next few weeks went on as the previous weeks had gone. I constantly took the initiative to strike up conversations with him, and it always took him a little time to feel like he could be himself around me, but I worked hard to earning his trust and making him feel comfortable. Things were moving very slowly, but they were moving, and that was good.

Things started to pick up in late January/early February. Our work family is mostly young 20somethings, and we like to drink, dance, and have a good time. We started going out to clubs/bars together, and we ALWAYS had fabulous times. I'd never been one to go out and party before, so this whole thing was new to me, and it took me a little while to adjust, but once I did, I was totally into it. I got addicted to the feeling of my mind going blank and my body just moving to the music, feeling the bodies of other random people moving along with my own. It was through these nights out that me and "Scott" got to be closer friends. On one particular night, however, his ex joined our group. Scott and his ex, who we'll call Mark, have an extremely long history together. They were basically each other's first loves, dating back to high school, and for them, this was about 10 years ago. They were on and off through high school, and then mostly off for the years following. Up until very recently (this summer), they were friends with benefits and would f!ck every other weekend. Knowing all of this, when I saw his ex back in the picture, I very easily declared defeat and was quite content with waiting for my feelings for Scott to die so that I could move on to my next dead end crush. On the night Mark joined us, however, there was a certain coldness between the two. As the night ended and the alcohol was wearing off, I watched intently as Scott stared hard at Mark from across the table. Mark would not touch him the whole night, wouldn't even dance with him. I constantly asked Scott if he was all right, but he shrugged it off -- said he was "fine," but I knew better. We ended up sitting with a girl friend of ours in her car, where Scott proceeded to go the f!ck off on Mark, explaining how Mark always makes him feel worthless and stupid. Of COURSE, two things sucked me back into wanting Scott: his insecurities and vulnerabilities coming out (I have sort of a hero/savior complex), and the fact that he and Mark seemed to be through. About a week later, though, he and Mark seemingly reconciled, and I was somewhat dismayed, but I soon realized that the two of them would/could never possibly have anything more than sex with each other.

Time marched on. More nights out, more drinking, more dancing. More talks at work, more getting to know one another. My feelings grew, and I wanted so desperately to just tell him that I was really, really, really feeling him and his style. But once again, my own insecurities and fears got in the way. The fear of rejection, the fear of humiliation, the fear of...pity? I don't even know all of what I was scared of, but I was just scared to tell him how I felt. And so I didn't. I dropped the vaguest of vague hints as often as I felt comfortable doing, but if he didn't bite on every single one of them, tAllhen I'd feel discouraged and withdraw.

April came around, and the whole drama started to really kick into gear. A new gay guy started working with us, and we'll call him "Tommy." Tommy is much younger than me, and much, much younger than Scott. I fell for Tommy HARD and quickly. I thought he was sweet, nice, cute, friendly, and an interesting person to talk to. By this point, I'd gotten a lot more confidence in myself and I'd gotten much much bolder, and so I was ready to pursue Tommy. My complicated feelings for Scott had started to take their toll on me, so I was ready to put them away and focus on this new guy. He was younger, he seemed to be less experienced at things than Scott, and so he was a less intimidating prospect for me. I wanted to be slow about it, though, so I tried to make friends with him first. I would go out of my way to be nice to him and to show him that I liked him as a person. He wanted to hang out with our group, so we invited him to celebrate Scott's birthday with us in the city. He was nervous about it, so I made a friendly promise to help him have a good time. Big mistake. The day after I told him I'd help him have a good time in the city, we all went on a group outing to an out-of-town amusement park (sans Scott). All throughout the day, it felt as if Tommy was avoiding me. Not only that, but he was also spending a LOT of time with another guy in our group, whom we'll call Andrew. A little background on Andrew. I mentioned him upthread as the guy who I thought might have been interested in Scott as well. It didn't take me long to realize that he was definitely not into Scott, so I was pretty much cool with him. We got along well, and he was fun to hang out with. But anyway, the day went on, and I have a very perceptive mind. In the back of my mind, I knew that there was a reason why Tommy and Andrew were avoiding me, and why things were extremely awkward any time we were close to each other. Without going into too much detail, it was a very ugly, humiliating day, and it set me back so many steps. I eventually voiced my suspicions to my best friend when we were alone, expecting her to tell me that I was just being paranoid, but she ended up telling me the truth. Turns out, Tommy had misinterpreted my friendly promise to show him a good time in the city as a sleazy come-on. Not only that, but he'd shared this misinterpretation with Andrew, and the two of them had giggled and gossiped about it all day. Like I said, this set me back MANY, MANY STEPS, and by the end of the day, I was starting to feel very depressed. Tommy's rejection, before I'd even made a real effort with him, triggered just about all of the shame that I was afraid would come out with Scott, and it hurt a lot, and I was more than a little depressed.

The following night, we all went to the city for Scott's birthday. By some dramatic twist of fate, I ended up having to ride to the city with Tommy, Andrew, and a girl we'll call "Lindsey" (who'd ALSO had feelings for Tommy and tried to seduce him, but she'd been unsuccessful -- she'd ALSO giggled and gossiped about me the day before as well). We got together at Lindsey's house and put up on our finishing touches for club-hopping, and when I realized that all of the awkwardness of the day before was still very much alive, I immediately started drinking. I knew damn well I wasn't gonna get through the car ride to the city sober, so I got the ball rolling before we even left. BEST decision ever. I didn't give a damn about them being catty towards me, and I didn't even give a damn when I realized Tommy and Andrew were getting a little closer and closer to each other. By the time we got to the city, I was having a damn good time, and I just did not CARE about anything anymore. I didn't even care about Scott much anymore. I figured if Tommy would reject me and humiliate me before I even TRIED to get with him, Scott would react the exact same way. I accepted it and was cool with it. Even after Scott and I shared three drunken kisses that night, I just did not care anymore. He was drunk, I was drunk, and he was making out with everybody, so it was no big deal.

The night ended, and I still didn't care. Of course, after the liquor wore off, I was depressed and I felt like sh!t. I felt like I really had been wasting my time with Scott, and I was prepared to just accept (without the aid of alcohol) that nothing was going to happen, even though I had no REAL reason to accept such a thing besides my own ASSUMPTIONS that nothing would ever happen. The heartbreak with Tommy was enough that I didn't even want to entertain the possibility of a repeat performance with Scott. The week went on, I felt myself starting to go back to normal, still not obsessing so much over my feelings for Scott. The following weekend, several of us all went out to a local bar, and it was somewhat of a repeat of the night in the city. Tommy and Andrew were "officially" a couple, Scott was busy having fun with Mark, and I felt left out in the cold. Okay, whatever. I was done trying to fit in with this group of slutty gays.

Then the sh!t hit the fan.

A week after the night at the local bar, there was an ENORMOUS falling out between Scott and one of his oldest, dearest friends, a girl we'll call Jennifer. He, Jennifer, and Mark had been close friends in high school, and so they'd been through a lot together. Jenn is also extremely close friends with Lindsey. The sh!t hit the fan, and I had absolutely no idea what had happened. All I knew was that Jenn, Lindsey, and Andrew all hated Scott, Mark, Tommy, and another guy we work with, whom we'll call Keith. I didn't know what happened, and a large part of me didn't even want to know, but like I said, I have a very perceptive mind, and I pretty much had it all figured out before anyone told me anything.

I'll stop right there for now, just to give you all a break! Like I said, a TON of sh!t happened over this year, particularly the summer, and it was absolutely nuts. I hope to god no one happens to find this post

Seldom do I read such a lengthy post without the urge to skip ahead. Looking forward to part two of our little serial here.

BTW, I *knew* that Tommy had misinterpreted your promise to keep him happy at the theme park the moment I read you say that. That sucks, my heart goes out to you bearing through those awkward car rides and outings with "friends". They sound like such a couple of jerks during that two day ordeal.

Edited October 6, 201213 yr by SFK

AMS you come off so different online with confidence. I am the same way where guys are concerned. Its hard to read them. You think you know them but you dont.

Part 2 of this story needs to start RIGHT NOW!

Part 2 of this story needs to start RIGHT NOW!

LOL, Soapsuds, I was thinking, "We'll return for part two of Guiding Light, in a moment."

LOL, Soapsuds, I was thinking, "We'll return for part two of Guiding Light, in a moment."

Okie Dokie

Interesting interesting...sounds like a MarDar story...no payoff....LMAO...and you leave your fans hanging with a cliffhanger....lol....gawd how i hate slutty gays.....ive know one and he was a pain in the ass. So was Scott a good kisser?? Or do you even remember?;;lol

Hmm...you have to remember that those drunken kisses were, essentially, the first time I've ever really kissed someone. I had sex with two boys in junior high and high school, but we NEVER kissed because that's not the type of relationships those were, at all. So I'd never really kissed anyone before "Scott," and when we were drunk at the time. Once I realized he was making out with people for the heck of it, I whispered in his ear that he would be my first kiss, and it happened. Then, later, it happened again, and then as the night was winding down, me and him were walking in an alley on Bourbon, my arm around his shoulder, and I asked for one more kiss before the night ended, and he gave it to me. It all sounds rather pathetic, a 22-year-old man begging someone for something as simple as a kiss, but it's basically a case of "sad but true." I don't know what a good or bad kisser is, but I'd say it was good. His lips were very soft, and his tongue moved very fast, and I liked it.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that embarrassment, AMS. I couldn't possibly hang out with the same people after they humiliate me. Usually when people throw shade at me like that I shut them out & never speak to them again; But now I'm starting to think maybe when I'm old enough to start drinking that could change...;-P.

If things can never go anywhere between you & Scott (the soap fan in me is hoping theres a miracle way), I hope you will be able to get past it eventually and find someone else (this time not from your work).

I could get used to SON scandalous story time. I have a few of my own HS stories from this past 4/5 years I could tell but i fear one of my track mates, teachers or even enemies could stumble across it on here. LMAO. You're brave, AMS!!

It was VERY hard for me to want to be around Tommy, Andrew, and Lindsay after the day at the amusement park. For a while, I was actually thinking about not going at all, but I wanted to go because A, Scott had asked me himself that he really wanted me to be there, and B, not going would have meant lying in bed on a Saturday night watching Alfred Hitchcock, which, for me, would have been fun, but in the grand scheme of things, Tommy, Andrew, and Lindsay would have "won," and I wasn't 'bout to let that sh!t happen. Getting drunk at Lindsay's house before leaving for NOLA helped though, so it was fine.

As far as things going anywhere between me and Scott...well...I'll just say stay tuned

Seldom do I read such a lengthy post without the urge to skip ahead. Looking forward to part two of our little serial here.

BTW, I *knew* that Tommy had misinterpreted your promise to keep him happy at the theme park the moment I read you say that. That sucks, my heart goes out to you bearing through those awkward car rides and outings with "friends". They sound like such a couple of jerks during that two day ordeal.

*dead at the gifs!*

Yes, it was TWO DAYS. That weekend was so crazy! Not only did we do the amusement park on Friday and then Scott's birthday in the city on Saturday night, I also had my college graduation party with family on Saturday, so those 48 hours were just ridiculous. Rollercoaster emotions. I actually had to be at work Sunday morning, two hours after getting in from Scott's birthday, and luckily I was able to clock out early and get some rest/think about things.

I didn't really elaborate on the happenings in New Orleans, but I think I should. I say that everything was "fine" after I got wasted and committed to having a good time, but that's not completely true. By the time we got there, I was just over so much of it. Tommy and Andrew were pawing all over each other during the ride there, and then when we got to the club, they were making out on the dancefloor. Fine, whatever. Tommy wasn't mine to be stolen from. As the night went on, though, and Scott was making out with everyone, I noticed that there was a TON of making out and feeling up going on -- virtually NONE of it directed towards me. Any time I kissed someone, it was because I wanted to (and I have much more guts and autonomy when I'm drunk, so I go after what I want), and any time I danced one-on-one with someone, it was because I initiated it. All of the slutty gays, including Tommy, who proved to be quite the slut, were jizzing all over each other (not literally), and it made me feel left out. It felt as if the gay community was giving me a collective cold shoulder, and it hurt. The following weekend at the local bar played out in a similar fashion, and it made me just as hurt. I eventually got over it so that it doesn't HURT so much, but it still makes me think.

AMS you come off so different online with confidence. I am the same way where guys are concerned. Its hard to read them. You think you know them but you dont.

Yeah, I'm much more confident online, but I think we all are. There's a certain vulnerability to life that is pretty much nonexistent online.

I'm gonna get comfy and share the second part with yall in a few minutes! Thanks for all the kind words, guys. I swear, after the year I've had so far, it's good to know that people care!

OK, so the sh!t hit the fan.

As I said, I initially had no idea at all what had happened. We'd all gone out the first Saturday in June to have drinks and to hang out, and everything had been fine. Of course, I was feeling blah after two consecutive weekends of feeling as if I wasn't accepted by my new gay friends, but everyone else seemed to be fine. Well, there seemed to be some trouble in paradise for Andrew and Tommy. They'd been hanging out non-stop all through the previous week, but it seemed the honeymoon was over before it had even began for them. The whole night at the local bar, Tommy was whoring himself around, and Andrew was getting tired of having to deal with it. I greatly enjoyed this because I felt it was karma for the way they'd humiliated me at the amusement park, but whatever. By Wednesday, everything had changed. Jenn had wanted me to switch shifts at work with her, and without getting too much into work-related stuff, I could basically tell that the only reason why she wanted to switch shifts with me was because she didn't want to work with Scott. I agreed to switch, but I was curious as to what had happened, so I just asked her why she wanted to switch. She said there was no reason, then she told me to tell her if Scott talked any sh!t about her the following day, and then I knew -- they weren't friends anymore. I DESPERATELY wanted to know what had happened, but I didn't ask. I started to see Jennifer and Andrew make angry subtweets that were clearly directed towards Scott, so I knew Andrew was involved as well, but I still couldn't put by finger on it. I was actually disgusted by some of the petty things they were tweeting, and even though I thought maybe I was getting over Scott, I was still fiercely protective of him, so I texted him to tell him that even though I had no clue what was going on, I would stand by him no matter what. He didn't tell me what happened, just told me that he never intended to hurt anyone.

The next day, nothing happened, and I learned nothing about what had already happened. I practice some good self-control in not just coming right out and asking. I didn't want to ask at work because I didn't want to be that person, and I didn't want to just text Scott and ask him because I didn't want to be that person, either. I didn't text Jenn or Andrew because I had already -- for better or for worse -- made the decision to be on Scott's side, so I didn't want to hear their version of events. I worked with both Andrew and Scott on the Friday, and Andrew refused to tell me what had happened, told me that it would be "better" for me not to know about it. I accepted that, but later on, he started talking sh!t about Scott to me while Scott was not even ten feet away, expecting me to join in. That pissed me off GREATLY because honestly, if you're not gonna tell me why I should look down at someone, don't expect me to look down at them with you. I firmly made my decision that whatever Scott had done, I would be on his side no matter what. I did not want to be on the petty bitches' side.

Well, it didn't take me long to figure out what had happened. Scott started to spend lots and lots of time with Andrew and Keith, the other guy. A little background on Keith. He grew up in a very sheltered, religious environment. He'd really opened up and come out of his shell a lot, and he and Jenn had had somewhat of a thing going on. She played a real good game of hard-to-get, though, and she always went just far enough with him to keep him coming back without actually going all the way with him or starting a relationship. She had him wrapped around her finger, and she knew it. He was crazy about her. Since he's so naive and easily influenced, however, we like to have fun with him, and for Scott's birthday, he'd gotten extremely drunk, to the point where he was making out with Scott, Mark, and Tommy. We'd all had little suspicions that he might have been gay, but none of us had ever really thought so because of his feelings for Jenn. After New Orleans, though, we'd all just chalked it up to him being drunk and needing to "explore." Even Jenn was fine with it. Well...like I said, I have a perceptive mind. I'd pieced it all together. Jenn and Andrew were pissed at Scott, Tommy, and Keith, and the only thing that made sense to me was that Scott had had sex with Tommy and Keith. It took a few days for me to get confirmation on this, but I eventually did. Scott had had a threesome with Keith and Mark several months earlier, and he'd told Tommy and Andrew about it. Andrew told Jenn, and Jenn's heart instantly broke into two pieces. She was mainly pissed because Scott and Mark had always encouraged her to get with Keith, but now the truth was out that the two of them had been sleeping with Keith all along. Of course, Scott's defense was that Jenn always treated Keith like crap -- which she DID -- and that she always pretended to not be interested in him at all. Keith wanted to try things out with him and Mark, and so he did. Jenn was pissed. Turns out Scott had also had sex with Tommy, the night we went drinking at the local bar. They were both very drunk, and "one thing led to another." They actually f!cked at Lindsey's house, in her 17-year-old brother's bed (he and their parents were out of town).

So I learned all of this, and my mind went into a frenzy. I was pissed because Scott was a whore. I wanted so badly to trust and believe that Jenn and Andrew were just being bitches, but I knew that they had legitimate reasons to be upset. Jenn, at least. Andrew...I didn't care about at all. After the crap he'd pulled at the amusement park, I realized just how shady and untrustworthy he was, and I knew all the pain he felt, he'd earned every bit of it. Besides, he and Tommy had only been talking for a WEEK AND A HALF. There was nothing there for Scott to break up between the two of them. But I was pissed. Scott, in my mind, was nothing but a ho. It ticked me off further because the way I saw it, Scott wanted to get some action, and so he chose a guy that his best friend was trying to get with and a guy that another of his friends was trying to get with. He would have rather been a crappy friend than to choose ME. I was not an option, or at least he didn't see me as an option, and that hurt a lot. I figured I was done with him, with all of them. They were all whores, and I wanted no part of it. Part of me, of course, felt extremely excluded, but I knew that that was only an immature part of me that couldn't see the bigger picture. There was nothing to be gained from being involved with any of these guys, and so I was over it.

Or at least I thought I was. I [i[still had feelings for Scott. After the negative feelings I'd had upon learning the truth, I slowly started to get over it. It played out like this in my mind: it wasn't their fault that I was destined to always be single and alone, to never have anyone. How could I blame any of them for not wanting me when it was clear that it was just my fate to be unwanted? Very unhealthy thoughts, but that's how I was able to get at peace with the situation.

But anyway. Scott, Tommy, and Keith became a trio. They went out to movies and dinner, they hung out together, they had sex with each other. I was still feeling left out and jealous, but once again, I accepted it as my fate. The more they spent time together, though, the more it became clear that something would have to give. It could only be a threesome for so long before two of the three broke off and the third was left alone. I was prepared for Scott to break off with either Tommy or Keith. I was 100% sure that he would have been in a relationship with one of them when it was all said and done, and I was perfectly fine with it. I just wanted him to be happy. I learned a lot about him during all this mess, and I knew that he just wanted to find a guy he could trust and love, one who loved him back just as much. I figured he would find it with either Tommy or Keith, but I was wrong. In the end, it was Tommy and Keith who broke off and became a couple, leaving Scott out in the cold. I immediately wanted to rush to his side, but I knew better. I gave him space, and I tried to gauge his reaction. He claimed to be fine with Tommy and Keith being together, but I knew better. According to Tommy, he'd taken it real hard that they'd chosen each other and not him. It tapped into his self-esteem and self-worth issues, and it sent him into a tiny depression. Jenn and Lindsey were no longer speaking to him, another friend they'd all mutually shared was no longer speaking to him, and now Tommy and Keith -- the guys he'd lost all of these friendships for and had been spending most of his time with -- were together and gradually pulling away from him. He felt alone, and even though he'd lie and say he was fine with being alone and spending time with himself, it was clear to me every time I looked him in the eye that this was just not true. And of course, I fell for him again, this time harder and deeper than I'd ever fell for anyone ever before.

Tommy and Keith were initially cool with Scott. They were together, but they still wanted to be friends with him. Tommy is young, though, and very jealous. He was scared that Scott would try to take Keith from him, so he started to cut Scott out of their lives, to the point where he and Keith pretended to "lose" Scott's number so that they'd have an excuse not to invite him to Keith's birthday dinner. Scott got on to that real quick, though, and decided to wash his hands of them since they were so clearly done with him. Tommy and Keith ended up being a total farce. They became "official" a mere three months after knowing each other, called it "love" a few weeks after that, and then about two months after they were together, they became engaged. Total farce. Scott felt he'd dodged a bullet (and so did I). All throughout this time, though, Scott and I got closer. He vented to me about Tommy and Keith's shenanigans, and I was a dutiful listener. I dropped bigger hints to let him know how I felt. I called him affectionate names, I never broke eye contact with him first, I paid so much attention to him and his feelings. I got to really, really know him, and he got to know me. We got to know each other's interests. He found out about my love of soaps, and it turns out he was named after an 80s soap character (none of you will ever correctly guess it haha). I found out more about his love of music, movies, and TV, and I figured out why he was so into fictional worlds -- because, growing up, he'd often gotten teased and picked on in school, and he needed somewhere to escape to where the real world wouldn't bother him. We shared stories, beliefs, values, etc, and it was just nice. It was nice because, after all that had happened in the earlier part of the summer, I never thought I'd ever have the chance to be that intimate with him. It got to the point where I knew sooner or later, the next logical step would have been for me to finally come right out and tell him that I was interested in him and wanted to take him out for a night. The problem, though, and this goes back to what me and SFK have periodically talked about for months now, is that I am terrified of being rejected. Even throughout all this "closeness" between Scott and I, something in me still tells me that it's foolish for me to ever think that he would ever want me in any way. He'd go out to New Orleans on the rare occasion with some of his other friends, and every time, it would feel as if I was losing my chance as he mingled with other, more attractive and exciting, guys. Soon, though, it would always go back to the way it had been, with him living a relatively humdrum, boring life, and me doing the same, just several miles away from each other. He'd occasionally talk about his desire to meet someone, and I'd do the same, but we'd never talk directly to each other about this.

Over the last few weeks, he's somewhat reconciled with Jenn, but they're nowhere near the friends they were before the summer. Andrew tries to sniff around as if nothing happened, but Scott and I both are not interested in trying to have a friendship with him. As of right now, this is the way it is: I want Scott a lot. A lot. A LOT. Any time I'm near him, I just feel an energy in my body, as if all of my nerves are on fire. I try my hardest to impress him, to make him smile, to make him laugh. I never can come up with the right words to say when I have a chance to say them, but then when the chance is gone, all of the things I should have said instantly come to me. Sometimes I say something stupid (like constantly trying to use the events of this summer as a conversation starter), and I wonder if saying the wrong thing is better or worst than saying nothing at all. I've come up with so many different strategies. I can just come right out and tell him that I have strong feelings for him and want to see what happens, or I can just ask him out to dinner and a movie without throwing my feelings out there so soon. I can write him a letter, but that's so juvenile. He likes for people to be upfront with him -- he told me that himself. When Tommy and Keith "lost" his number, he told me that he wished people would just tell him the truth, good or bad, about how they felt about him. Shouldn't that be my cue to just tell him how I feel? Shouldn't I be the first one who is truly upfront with him?

And then there's the part of me that feels that maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. Not because I'm scared of being rejected but because I deserve BETTER. As much as I believe I've fallen madly in love with this boy, the facts of this summer still remain. He did some pretty nasty things, and maybe my hesitation to tell him how I feel is fate telling me that I don't need to be with him. Then there's the part of me that can easily see that the only reason why he's had sex with so many guys is because that's his way of trying to "trap" them into being with him. He thinks sex will keep them interested in him, and it will for a while, but as he learned with Tommy and Keith, sex won't keep a guy forever.

I don't know. I want him SO BAD. He's sweet, and he makes me laugh, and we share so many interests, and I can just see the two of us spending so much time together and truly enjoying it. Of course, I want to sleep with him. He's gorgeous. Not perfect by any means, but he's flawless in my eyes. But it's so, so, so much more than just sex. I want him for who he is, and I want to make him feel special, the way that no other guy has been able to make him feel. But the problem remains the same. It's always the same. I lack confidence, courage, guts, chutzpah, balls, whatever you want to call it. There have been these tense moments where he and I were alone at work, and I knew exactly what I should say, and I could almost taste the words on my tongue, but I just couldn't bring myself to give life to the thoughts in my head. It's annoying, it's frustrating, and it's slowly driving me crazy on a daily basis!

That's basically it for now, though. It's a day-to-day thing, where some days are good and it seems like we're getting closer to "that moment," but then some days are bad, and it seems like it's all a waste of time. IDK where it's gonna go or for how long, and it's frustrating as the f!ck.

Sorry these two posts have been so long! I've been promising updates for the longest time, and now that I've finally gotten it off my chest, it feels SO good! I fully expect stories from the rest of you SONs of bitches!

Or at least I thought I was. I still had feelings for Scott. After the negative feelings I'd had upon learning the truth, I slowly started to get over it. It played out like this in my mind: it wasn't their fault that I was destined to always be single and alone, to never have anyone. How could I blame any of them for not wanting me when it was clear that it was just my fate to be unwanted? Very unhealthy thoughts, but that's how I was able to get at peace with the situation.

Extremely unhealthy! I get that's what you had to do to get over it but I hope you don't really believe that about yourself, I think you should be thinking more like

And then there's the part of me that feels that maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time with him. Not because I'm scared of being rejected but because I deserve BETTER.

THIS! And at all times. You deserve the best.

I guess what I'm wondering now is...does Scott do any of the same things to you that you find yourself doing w/him (because your really into him)? Does he seemingly do stuff to impress you, make you laugh, etc as well? Or is it just you? I think you're wasting your time lusting over him if he's not putting in as much effort into your growing relationship as you are. I think this is definitely a situation where you have to analyze him & the way he acts towards you when your with him and try to distinguish if he could be feeling the same about you as you do with him or not. The soap fan in me is now thinking/hoping Scott is as anxious to open up to you & share his feelings as you are with him.

I think you have to figure all this out & take some action soon so that you don't drive yourself any more crazy. You're a great person no matter what though & I hope you will be ok ;'-)

You are such a great writer, I mean, don't get me wrong, I know this is your LIFE, but you express yourself so well and in such an interesting, readable way. I only wish that the names were replaced with headshots so I could effortlessly keep up with who is who. Wow. Well, my gut tells me that while Scott is certainly not "the one", he is worth a try. For your sake. Lay it out there. No cards, no candles, no flowers, just simple, "Let's go out." You may get a few dates and even some play out of it, and again, while my gut tells me that if he tosses some real or imagined romance your way, you will indeed fall harder, and his fickle ass will most likely break your heart, but AMS, I think it is worth it to do the do, to get it out of your system, to say that you at least tried, won/failed, loved a little, grieved, got over it. You just have to give it a go with this guy, for the sake of your relationship trajectory. I honestly think that you will come out on the other end a stronger, more secure potential mate for future prospects. You can't carry this dude around on your back as the great "What If?" of your life. You've got to DEAL with him. Now.

I have missed the boat more times than I care to remember. They wanted me, yet I wasn't up to my own standards, and by the time I came around, they had lost interest. You may want the champagne and soft lighting, but maybe Scott will never be willing to give you that. Is that a deal breaker? Having sex with someone you find physically attractive yet you've discovered is SO not worthy of the worship can be very satisfying, healing, even. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you just have to embrace the fact that this dude is flawed and a great relationship may not be in the cards, but you are a WONDERFUL person with nothing to lose, and just as easily as he came into your lif, there are a million other guys who could just as easily do the same. Don't get stuck in your bubble of workday convenience. It's a trap I've fallen into myself. When your work group is also your social group, it becomes this safe, comfy, microcosm and you lose sight of the many, MANY untapped possibilities out there. In sort, ask this guy out, be prepared to be turned down, or to date him, kiss him, [!@#$%^&*] him, love him, hate him, be done with him, like him again as a friend, be at peace, move on...

I do tend to skip over really long posts but I was absolutely enthralled by yours. Very good reading and I hope everything works out for you. How old is Scott? Also does he really have NO clue you have feelings for him? The way you write, it seems hard to believe someone can be that oblivious to whats going on around them

Thank you all for your advice

I guess what I'm wondering now is...does Scott do any of the same things to you that you find yourself doing w/him (because your really into him)? Does he seemingly do stuff to impress you, make you laugh, etc as well? Or is it just you? I think you're wasting your time lusting over him if he's not putting in as much effort into your growing relationship as you are. I think this is definitely a situation where you have to analyze him & the way he acts towards you when your with him and try to distinguish if he could be feeling the same about you as you do with him or not. The soap fan in me is now thinking/hoping Scott is as anxious to open up to you & share his feelings as you are with him.

I think you have to figure all this out & take some action soon so that you don't drive yourself any more crazy. You're a great person no matter what though & I hope you will be ok ;'-)

Sometimes, I have a strong feeling that he is indeed trying to send some hints my way, too. Several times this summer, there were moments where I just knew that he was trying to wink or nudge me along to make a move. All throughout the ordeal when various people were angry at him, I'd constantly tell him that none of those people mattered because I still liked him ("as a friend," though that was never said, just understood), and he'd kinda just smile bashfully and say that he knew that. I never knew whether to read this as him acknowledging that he felt the same or similar or if he was just trying to acknowledge the fact that he knows how I feel but doesn't want to break my heart by talking about it and telling me that he doesn't feel the same. There was definitely a moment when I knew I'd made some kind of breakthrough, though. One day, he, I, and another girl (who is strictly a supporting player in the drama -- she's actually been a good confidante for me; I've never explicitly talked about Scott with her, but I've talked about the problem without using names) were talking about Tommy and Keith's ridiculous relationship. Tommy ended up coming into work that day, just as I was leaving, and I asked Scott how he felt about having to work with Tommy all day. Up until this point, any time I'd ask him something like that, he'd always say that he'd be "fine." He would always play it off as if it was no big deal, as if he didn't want anyone to worry about him. He said he'd be fine with working with Tommy all day, but I told him I didn't believe him, and then he finally admitted that he wasn't gonna be okay with it. Of course, I f!cked it up by just telling him to "cheer up and be happy!" (instead of telling him that it was OKAY for him to not be okay with it and that I would be "okay" for him). The point is, though, that it was the first time he truly trusted me enough to let me in his feelings, which isn't something he does easily with anyone at all. He's been picked on and teased his whole life for being emotional and different, so he's extremely guarded. He let his guard down with me, and I didn't seize the opportunity the way I should have at all. As he's gotten over the whole mess of the summer, it's become harder for me to get to the gut of his feelings again, though, so I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to show him that I care about him on that level again any time soon.

He's also done some other mildly flirty things that I've noticed. Certain looks, smiles, giggles...about on par with the same that I've been doing with him. But remember, he's even more hesitant to do such things than I am, so it's sometimes it's hard to tell what he really thinks/feels.

You are such a great writer, I mean, don't get me wrong, I know this is your LIFE, but you express yourself so well and in such an interesting, readable way. I only wish that the names were replaced with headshots so I could effortlessly keep up with who is who.

I actually predicted in May that the summer would be a long, eventful one, and I always meant to keep a journal of EVERYTHING so that I could make some money off of this in the future. I have a good memory, though, so don't be surprised if "Retail Hell" is the soap that brings daytime back circa 2025!

Wow. Well, my gut tells me that while Scott is certainly not "the one", he is worth a try. For your sake. Lay it out there. No cards, no candles, no flowers, just simple, "Let's go out." You may get a few dates and even some play out of it, and again, while my gut tells me that if he tosses some real or imagined romance your way, you will indeed fall harder, and his fickle ass will most likely break your heart, but AMS, I think it is worth it to do the do, to get it out of your system, to say that you at least tried, won/failed, loved a little, grieved, got over it. You just have to give it a go with this guy, for the sake of your relationship trajectory. I honestly think that you will come out on the other end a stronger, more secure potential mate for future prospects. You can't carry this dude around on your back as the great "What If?" of your life. You've got to DEAL with him. Now.

I knooooooooooooooow. It's so, so hard, though. I swear I've gotten closer and closer, and I feel like the strength to just DO IT will come out at any time. Just about every Saturday night for the last few weeks, we've worked together, and I always ask about his plans for the night. Every single time, he says "Nothing, I'm going home," and then he posts on Facebook about cuddling up with himself and a movie, while I'm doing the same with Melrose Place episodes on Netflix. A part of me believes that duh, of course he'd rather spend the night having dinner and seeing a movie with me than being alone, but the other part of me is like pleeease, he'd MUCH rather spend the night alone than with you. I can be so vicious to myself, and it's really kept me from doing so many things in my life.

I have missed the boat more times than I care to remember. They wanted me, yet I wasn't up to my own standards, and by the time I came around, they had lost interest.

This is what scares me more than anything else now. The possibility that I'd had a real viable chance with him, but I don't anymore because he got tired of waiting. But by the same token, I've been doing just as much waiting as he has, yes? Neither one of us are good at making the first move. I had to force myself to start talking to him last year, and I had to force myself to keep talking to him.

You may want the champagne and soft lighting, but maybe Scott will never be willing to give you that. Is that a deal breaker? Having sex with someone you find physically attractive yet you've discovered is SO not worthy of the worship can be very satisfying, healing, even. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you just have to embrace the fact that this dude is flawed and a great relationship may not be in the cards, but you are a WONDERFUL person with nothing to lose, and just as easily as he came into your lif, there are a million other guys who could just as easily do the same. Don't get stuck in your bubble of workday convenience. It's a trap I've fallen into myself. When your work group is also your social group, it becomes this safe, comfy, microcosm and you lose sight of the many, MANY untapped possibilities out there. In sort, ask this guy out, be prepared to be turned down, or to date him, kiss him, [!@#$%^&*] him, love him, hate him, be done with him, like him again as a friend, be at peace, move on...

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best?

One thing I want him to understand is that I am not interested in him just for sex. Part of the reason why I kinda backed off after all of the drama of the summer happened was because I felt that if I made a move then, so soon after his sexcapades with Tommy and Keith, he would have thought "Well, he knows that I've had sex with Tommy and Keith, so he probably thinks I'm easy and just wants to get some ass," which is so far from the truth. So I kinda chilled, but now I think that thought wouldn't even cross his mind. I've shown him more than once that I care about him as a person and only want him to be happy. I've always always always just wanted the guys I've had feelings for to just be happy. Scott is the fourth guy. The first three are all engaged to be married, and I couldn't be happier for them. I just want my boys to be happy, even if it's not with me. I almost feel as if all of my pain and misery will vanish if I could help Scott find a boyfriend. That way, he'll be happy with a boy, and I won't want him as much anymore. Another unhealthy thought, but it's a thought nonetheless.

I keep telling myself I'm gonna tell him how I feel, but whenever I'm backed up against the wall, I look for ways out. If we're leaving work together, and he's doing something on his phone, I automatically assume that he's making plans with some guy that he's been wanting to spend time with, and spending time with me could never compete with that. When he says he's going home and doing nothing, I assume he's doing that because it's what he's chosen for the night and he's not at all interested in going out with anyone. Neat, easy excuses. He doesn't make it easy for a person to touch him, so I feel like this is harder than it normally would be with any other guy.

I do tend to skip over really long posts but I was absolutely enthralled by yours. Very good reading and I hope everything works out for you. How old isScott? Also does he really have NO clue you have feelings for him? The way you write, it seems hard to believe someone can be that oblivious to whats going on around them

He's 26. I honestly think he knows. He's either waiting for me to make a move, or he's hoping not to lead me on too much so that I don't think there's a chance. I don't know. I just wish everyone in this situation had the guts to be open and honest with everyone.

Tommy and I have never his misinterpretation of my friendly gesture or its aftermath, but we've vaguely danced around it. He knew that I thought Andrew was a worthless piece of sh!t, and he pretty much two-and-two together to figure it out. He's probably wondering why I haven't cut him off the same way, and the be honest, I don't know why I haven't. I kinda give him a pass because he's young, but Andrew's young, too, so I don't know. I feel that Tommy was heavily influenced by Andrew into making a fool out of me. The thing with Scott got so frustrating that I even tried to talk to Tommy about it. We were talking about everything that had happened, and I mentioned how in the whole situation, there was one person whom I held at the bottom of the list (Andrew) and there was one person whom I held at the very top. He said he had a pretty good idea of who that was, and of course he knows it's Scott, but we never said his name. He thinks I would be wasting my time, but that could easily be his dislike of Scott talking.

EVERYONE I've talked about this with has basically said the same thing. I need to get it together and ask this boy out. Don't go at him with all of these feelings, but just start slow. Take him out, have a good time or have a bad time, and then just go from there.

Edited October 7, 201213 yr by All My Shadows

I think the problem here is that you work with all these bitches. Get OUT of there and then make your move. That way, if something goes wrong, you can peace out and brush it off much more easily. Why are all these people so dependant on the people they work with?