Suds Report for December 15, 2008

[xtr]

The Suds Report: Dec. 15, 2008

By Nelson Branco

‘Y&R’/‘GL’ bloodbath! Look who’s back: Natalia Livingston returns to ‘GH’! Crystal Hunt joins ‘OLTL’! Kamar quits Llanview! ‘Y&R’ signs Eva Marcille!

SUDSIEST QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

“I think the audience is extraordinarily smart. I sometimes wish they weren’t so smart.”

—GL head writer Jill Lorie Hurst to welovesoaps.com’s Roger Newcomb.

Translation: Our fans are smarter than we are. Heck, President George Bush is sharper than any of us here!

“It's not just about stopping the erosion. It’s still possible to raise the ratings.”

—CBS Chief Barbara Bloom changes her tune in TV Guide regarding the future of soaps.

Translation: If CBS hires a capable executive.

“I don’t think [the press] has a responsibility. I think it would be wise if they loved [soaps] more. I’m not saying that loving means going, ‘Oh everything is wonderful.’ But we are all together going through this difficulty. This is a really difficult time to be in television.”

—Ellen Wheeler to A Thousand Other Worlds’ Patrick Erwin on why the soap press chooses not to feature unpopular, badly written shows and unappealing stars on their newsstand covers so they can make a living.

Translation: My show sucks rocks. It’s box-office poison and everyone knows that — except CBS.

“I’m always looking at it from the inside. It’s marvelous because we’re so happy.”

—Wheeler to Deep Soap’s Sara A. Bibel

Translation: If I say I’m happy enough, will you believe me? Do you want a pill, Sara? CBS and P&G give these to me every day; they’re yummy.

“If I make it one more week, or three more months, or one more year, I consider that a huge win.”

—La Wheeler to Erwin

Translation: There is an “I” in team; and as you can see, I have very “high” expectations concerning GL. If we can make $1.50 in profit by Dec. 31, I get a 10 per cent commission! Hurray… My husband doesn’t have to make those disgusting cookies in a Ziplock bag for our cast because we can’t afford craft services! Hurray! HUGE win.

AWARD SHOW CENTRAL — THE 2009 WGA AWARDS

Ceremony won’t be hosted by Dena Higley

Drum roll, please….. The 2009 Writers Guild Award nominations for outstanding achievement in daytime drama have been announced. A year after the writers’ strike, the nominees in the non-scabber category are as follows: writing mess, ATWT and Emmy winner Ron Carlivati’s OLTL. Since half the industry went fi-core, shows like Y&R were ineligible. The nominees will be honoured at the upcoming 2009 Writers Guild Awards on Feb. 7, 2009 in L.A. The big question remains whether or not fi-core writers will show up to the ceremony to support their “peers.”

All My Children, A/ABC — Forget Paris! Lucci is burning!

• Is John Driscoll (soon-to-be-ex-Coop, GL) Pine Valley-bound? The male hair model may reunite with Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers (Jake and Taylor, ex-Gus and Harley, GL) on AMC if you trust Daytimeconfidential.com. The role in question? DC claims Driscoll is being considered for the role of Sean, the nephew of Jack Montgomery as a love interest for Natalia (who?). I’m not a big Driscoll fan, but whatever floats Chuck Pratt’s boat, I guess.

• Who knew Susan Lucci’s pay cut would generate so much “free” mainstream publicity. Perhaps GL executive producer Ellen Wheeler should slash Kim Zimmer’s (Reva) pay, too. They need all the press they can get — good or bad. CNN weighed in today regarding the deepest cut an Emmy winner can face.

• Is that a thong in your ass or are you just happy to see me? On the Dec. 3 AMC episode, Toronto’s Cameron Mathison (Ryan) stood up and flashed what appeared to be a black thong, which looks exactly like the one I have been searching for forever. If you missed the episode, check out Talk Soup’s hilarious take on the wardrobe malfunction. Mathison told my sexy pal Delaina Dixon at OK! magazine: “I am finding this hysterical. I gotta be honest, it looks exactly like a thong. But I hate to disappoint, it’s only my T-shirt stuck in my underwear. After the hoopla, I am thinking of starting a new line of thongs.” Sign me up. Mathison also appeared on The View last week to debunk his thong fetish. Smart, Cameron. Very smart.

• Everyone’s favourite former Bachelor, Bob Guiney, is hosting SOAPnet’s Rock The Soap Cruise this spring. Make sure to book now for the best deals. Guiney tells the Suds Report exclusively that, “fans can put down payments down for now, instead of paying it all at once over a three-month period.” Along with fun in the sun, fans can expect Thorsten Kaye’s (Zach) book release, Aiden Turner (Aidan) DJ-ing party, and a beach bash in Mexico with all the stars. Bobbie Eakes (Krystal) and Constantine Maroulis (ex-Constantine, B& will be staging concerts throughout the three-day trip from March 20-23. If that wasn’t enough to sell your first unborn child, Emmy winner Michael E. Knight will be hosting a casting call. Plus, Kelly Monaco (Sam, GH) will be unveiling her Las Vegas strip act. Better yet, Van Hansis (Luke, ATWT) and Jake Silbermann (Noah, ATWT) will be fighting it out with Elizabeth Hendrickson (Chloe, Y&R; ex-Maggie, AMC) and Eden Riegel (Binks) for the title of hottest gay soap super-couple. There will also be a silent auction with proceeds going to charity. Guiney wants everyone to know that there’s a “refer-a-friend” program, which allows everyone involved to save cashola. And that’ll be me walking around in Cameron Mathison’s thong, so come on the Soap Titanic, friends. If we’re going down, let’s get really down.

• That’s Adam-Jon Fiorentino playing Reese’s former beard, Simon, on Dec. 30. Yep, it turns out the sexiest lesbian on daytime was engaged to a man before! Well, at least he didn’t rape her. Yet.

• Soap creator Agnes Nixon loves the spotlight. In her third appearance this year on daytime, Nixon pops back up in Melrose Valley to reprise Aggie, the role the multiple Emmy winner created this past fall on the 10,000th episode for Myrtle’s memorial. Joining her is Emmy winner and AMC’s former executive producer Francesca James (Kelly). Too bad the show didn’t bring James back as its executive producer — the best since Felicia Menei Behr.

As The World Turns, Global/CBS — Byrne Christmas

• Does your family already have everything they need? Here’s a good cause to donate to in lieu of shopping for a holiday gift no one will use. Martha Byrne (ex-Lily) thanks you.

• Next week in Gaydale? Brad learns Craig was behind the whole Spencer mess (and here I thought it was the bad writing). Also, in incest news, Craig is romantically involved and in cahoots with Jennifer Lopez impersonator, Dani — the girl he once thought was his daughter. Does P&G think their entire audience lives in a trailer park? You guys know you’re going to hell, right? Have some class, people! Get out and see an opera or ballet or something. Heck, watch 90210 for inspiration. Yes, that’s how bad your show is.

• Don’t run out and buy that dreadful book, The Man For Oakdale: The Henry Coleman Story. Trust me, kids — it’s dreadful and extremely painful to read. Buy The Washingtonienne instead — if you’re a real soap fan.

The Bold and the Beautiful, CTV/CBS — Brooke and Ridge’s porn video

• It’s not porn, but this is the next best thing. The most-watched daily soap opera in the world has now given its fans what they have feared for years — a DVD of their favorite episodes and behind-the-scenes highlights. DVD special features include: the very first episode; a 2006 cast photo and interview; Behind the Scenes: 5000th Episode; interviews with key cast members including Katherine Kelly Lang (Brooke), Ronn Moss (Ridge) and Jack Wagner (Nick); and John McCook (Eric) answers fan mail; along with reliving Ridge and Brooke’s 546 weddings, 790 breakups, the show’s first rape, and one million sex scenes. Fun, huh?

• I truly love and respect executive producer and head writer Bradley Bell. He is one of the sweetest men to helm this industry, and he really cares about his soap and honouring his father’s legacy. He really does — trust me on that. In fact, at one point, I used to consider B&B my favourite soap opera pre-Ron Carlivati and Maria Arena Bell. Which is why B&B is an absolute mystery to me these days. Does Kay Alden have Bell locked up in a cage somewhere at Maison Bell? Thanks to that joke Ellen Wheeler, that moron Christopher Goutman, that pig Brian Frons, and idiot Ken Corday, Bell has flown under the radar when he should have been taken to task much earlier before things got simply out of control. B&B is simply ridiculous. I can’t watch it. B&B’s become the new Passions of daytime in my opinion (foreshadow a major plot twist much, Brad?). I tried to tune back in when Phoebe died, but I couldn’t force myself to watch another second of this hot mess. Someone needs to have an intervention with Bradley — STAT. B&B and Y&R need to work in tandem in order to survive the next 10 years. Perhaps Maria can lend her co-head writer Hogan Sheffer to B&B for two weeks to consult. Or just let Patrick Mulcahey head write. I say this out of love: your show is in major trouble. And it has Kay Alden written all over it.

• Poor Sean Kanan (ex-Deacon)! B&B really could use one of the sexiest and slimiest bastards in daytime TV right about now. But no, Kanan has instead “landed” a new reality show for TV Land reality series about celebs battling real-life addictions. Yep, Sean will never work in soaps again.

Days of our Lives, Global/NBC — Alison Sweeney who? Arianne Zucker has stolen the show!

• Expect John Callahan (ex-Edmund, AMC) to stick around Salem a while longer. The new Drake Hogestyn has reportedly been put on contract as Dr. Walker. This week, Nicole is blackmailed by Dimitri Marick’s brother. Raise your hand if you agree that the revelatory Arianne Zucker (Nicole) is the best actor on the show?

• Update: Dena Higley is still employed by DAYS.

Daytimeconfidential.com, iTunes — Another grand-slam podcast for DC!

• Do yourself a favour and listen to this superior ABC soap podcast here. DC is fast becoming the authority of daytime — and yes, that excludes The Suds Report. I’m so proud of Luke Kerr and Jamey Giddens, who have given soap fans a more entertaining show than the soaps they cover. I’m their biggest fan alive.

General Hospital, CTV/ABC — Spinelli’s new Maxie-bot?

• Oh, God. ABC announced that the women on next season’s The Bachelor will learn techniques of screen kissing and get a chance to act out their secret fantasies with the Bachelor on the set of GH. Can’t wait. Sponsored by Monavie Juice, no doubt.

• Watch out, Maxie: Senta Moses appears on GH in late December opposite Spinelli. Moses recurred on Greek, and Jason and Sony are into that, you know?

Guiding Light, Global/CBS — The New GL: DOA?

• Wow — GL must be desperate! With cancellation rumours picking up steam, GL is now bringing back fan favourites like Grant Aleksander (Phillip), writing actual stories, and firing their hair models. According to daytimeconfidential.com, John Driscoll (Coop; see AMC’s item for more), E.J. Bonilla (Rafe), Bonnie Dennison (Daisy), Kane Manera (Grady) and Caitlin Van Zandt (Ashlee) are on their way out. Thrilled about Manera because he deserves to be on a successful and well-written show — but all the rest? Good riddance. Van Zandt is one of the most overrated actors in soap history, and after she lost all that weight, it was plainly obvious there’s nothing special about this hair model.

• Expect less jokes about the 10 million head writers on GL. The writing staff will be cut down, very soon. Let’s start with David Kreizman, please. Emmy winner, my ass! He’s the Shemar Moore of soap writers!

• Don’t expect GL to be renewed next year. Influential daytime insiders are telling The Suds Report and Daytimeconfidential.com — the end days are here, if the soap doesn’t change their tune by April. And we know Tom Cruise coming out of the closet is more probable.

One Life To Live, A/ABC — Pinocchio’s Story: I just want to be a real boy

• If OLTL was music, it’d sound a lot like Kanye West’s new album 808s and Heartbreaker. West’s stunning masterpiece sums up life in Llanview these days with songs like “Pinocchio’s Story”, “Heartbreaker”, “See You in My Nightmares”, “Robocop”, and “Coldest Winter”. Also, the music perfectly mirrors the heart, soul, and style of the show to a tee. From what I can tell, Frank Valentini is a music fan, so why stop at Mary J. Blige, Mr. V.? Invite Mr. West to Llanview.

• Just when I thought I was out, the Italian soap mob pulled me back in. Yes, I’m falling madly in love with OLTL again. What else is new, right? My name is Nelson Branco and I’m a sucker for a well-written show. I’ve always called OLTL the smart man’s soap (when no one is peeing on the trees). But I would be wise to add that it’s also the hip man’s soap. The past few weeks of OLTL have been a miracle of sorts. RC was wise to voice our complaints about Todd and Marty’s rapemance in his dialogue and call Todd’s “seduction” of Marty “a rape.” They even beat the living daylights out of Todd. They threw him in jail without a hope to live on. They’ve regressed Marty into the woman we first met and fell in love with. They brought back Margaret — the woman who raped Todd. While I would still never have written this story, RC is doing the next best thing and taking the subject matter seriously. And he’s managed to pull the biggest miracle in daytime history. See, that’s what happens when you listen your fans and critics, Idiots In Charge.

But the Tarty story isn’t the reason why I’m falling back in love with OLTL. The show has miraculously gelled once again. Why? There is something so comforting, endearing, and beautiful about Ron ”Vitamin C” Carlivati, who clearly inspires everyone on the show from the set designer to craft services. Carlivati effortlessly infuses his infinite and inspiring spirit into each of his storylines and characters. (And let’s not forget about his oh-so-sick sense of humour — which he never gets enough kudos or credit for. He’s celebrates complex psychological issues as any good writer should).

This statement will probably get him fired (and if that happens, I will quit this business in a New York second — mark my words), but when Carlivati’s spirit goes on holiday (sorry, Frank), the show immediately falls apart. We all learned that lesson this past summer. Yes, RC endured a really awful summer — as did we — but he’s kicking major ass again. He was smart to remind the audiences why he was hailed as the soap messiah by a lot of critics by bringing back the Paris, Texas diner to Llanview — his best storyline to date. I have a feeling he’s in the middle of topping that achievement right now. 2008 is over. Finally.

• The revolving door is in full swing over at 66 Street. Former GH cutie patootie Scott Clifton (Dillon) has been recast in the role he was originally cast for. Discuss. The Emmy-nominated actor will play Schuyler, a Llanview High faculty member. One Tree Hill alum Brett Claywell, who was originally cast in the role, have cast him in another role: a new Llanview PD cop.

• Why OLTL? Why? The soap cast one of my fave comedic vixens ever, Crystal Hunt (ex-Lizzie, GL), on their show… but not as Sarah Roberts. Big mistake. History lesson: the best Sarah Roberts, Heroes’ Hayden Panettiere went on to play Lizzie on GL. OLTL claims Hunt’s playing some bitch named Stacey, a stripper who's linked to one of the residents of the fictional town. She pops up on Feb. 6. I hope ABC is lying to me. “She is a troublemaker," head writer Ron-erella Carlivati teases. Hunt adds, “It's great to be back in daytime. I’m very excited to be working alongside another very talented cast.”

• It’s official: ALMA Award winner Kamar de Los Reyes (Antonio) is leaving the show. Despite reports in other trades, The Suds Report has learned he finishes taping at the end of January, and not the first week of the new year. And no, BethAnn Bonner (Talia) is not going anywhere, so don’t fret Bree Williamson (Tess/Jess/Bess/Les/Guess/Mess).

• Hair model Tari Signor is back as Todd’s rapist, Margaret Cochran, when Todd conjures her up in a nightmare on Dec. 18. “No more Viagra, please,” he cries. “Bend over, bitch,” she screams.

• Tonja Walker (Alex) visits Llanview beginning Jan.2. Also, Justin Paul Kahn (Wes) will be sticking around Llanview for a while longer. Sorry Kahn, I’m not impressed yet.

• What will I be watching on Dec. 25? Not Christina Comes Home For Christmas, but OLTL’s mesmerizing Thanksgiving episode.

The Young and the Restless, Global/CBS — Lauralee Bell returns; major hair-model firings

• Daytimeconfidential.com is reporting that Chris Engen (Adam), Vail Bloom (Heather) and Michael Gross (River/Lowell) have been fired. I’m a tad upset about Engen, but I will happily say adios to Gross and Bloom despite the fact that I never saw the River plot twist coming in a million years. Y&R didn’t comment by press time.

• Maria Arena Bell has announced Lauralee Bell (Christine) will reprise the original Cricket sometime in early ‘09. Bell is there to teach Christel Khalil — Cricket 2.0 — how to turn around a career headed nowhere.

• The big news on the set is that Doug Davidson (Paul) was on his way out of Genoa City, but thanks to the inspired Paul-Nikki sex romp, Davidson has been given a reprieve. And that meant Don Diamont (Brad) got his walking papers. I’m still speechless.

• Eva Marcille (Drucilla 2.0) has signed a contract with Y&R.

• Hayley Erin has been cast as Abby Carlton, Ashley Abbott (Eileen Davidson) and Brad Carlton's (Don Diamont) little girl. Don’t cry for Darcy Rose Byrnes (Abby) — she just finished a guest-starring role on Dirty Sexy Money. I felt sorry for Byrnes when Soaps In Depth asked the whippersnapper how she felt about being recast. She’s two years old, folks? Give her a break! Even I’m not that mean!

http://tvguide.sympatico.msn.ca/The+Suds+R...n_NB.htm?isfa=1

[Errol]

For respect of Mr. Branco's hard work, please only link to the Suds report going forward.

[DaytimeFan]

I like Nelson...I really do. But his venom for Kay Alden is getting old. Earth to Nelson, Brad writes and produces this show. It ain't Kay, she edits.

Surprising about Doug Davidson being the one who was going to get the axe...it's better to lose Brad than Paul.

[CassieFan]

Look who’s back: Natalia Livingston returns to ‘GH’!

[dragonflies]

LMAO he's back to signing OLTL's praises. The show is good? Yeah if you like the PropToddManningRapist hour..........

[Kwing42]

What a tabloid piece this guy is.

He wonders why he has ZERO respect in the daytime community.

If he could actually act like a mature adult instead of a 13 year old girl in middle school, he might actually gain something he does not have now....CLASS.

For respect of his "hard work"? He quotes other sites and sources and rarely has an original thought on whats going on in the soap world. The only thing original from him are his cry baby rants because no one likes him!

[tanyia2]

I usually agree with Nelson but his attacks against Caitlin V Zandt is uncalled for. Also the fact that he thinks that the worst character on GL (Grady Foley) should not have been fired destroys what little credibility he has.

[BadZoe]

Pretty girl cast as Abby. I wonder if they are planning on a triangle with Noah, Eden and Abby.

Edited, scrap that Noah and Abby are related.

[rangethatrover]

Zendall I know from your posts that you were disgusted by the Todd/Marty storyline. Do you watch OLTL anymore or did you stop?

I actually agree with everything he said (I of course thought Todd and Marty was- and is- excellent) But Nelson hated it as much as you do and he is even enjoying the show.

I was just curious what you think of the rest of the show-

[dragonflies]

Yep sure have, and won't watch again until the day Marty gets to castrate Todd and hang his penis in Angel Square or Todd is dead dead(not soap dead) and can never return

[rangethatrover]

Zendallfan, could you please tell me how you really feel, without holding back this time?

[Ann_SS]

LOL! We are mental twins on this one. I was about write the exact same thing. I just about fell out when I saw the fake stories, borrowed soap news, lies, distorted gossip, and mental illness that Nelson writes being described as "hard work."

[Khan]

It certainly looks that way to me on-screen. Heather could stick around (albeit, with a recast), but boy, Adam and River sure have been written into a corner. Right along, in fact, w/ Jeffrey and Gloria.

[RoseVioletDaisy]

I hate and am as offended by the whole Todd/Marty mess as anyone and I despise everything with Vanessa and/or Christian but I do enjoy Vicki & Charlie, Dorian is still Dorian, and I'm rapidly falling madly in love with Brody & Jessica.

[Darn]

Okay, what is his definition of a Hair Model? I've always taken that to be an actor who has looks over substantive acting ability. Because he seems to be under the mistaken impression that Tari Signor is pretty and was somehow hired for her looks. Well, I suppose she was, if by looks you mean "looking batshit crazy all the damn time".

And sorry, OLTL is still crap, full of go nowhere nothing to see here move it along please don't watch us storylines. And them literally transporting The Bonjour from Paris, Texas to Llanview with NO ATTEMPT to make it look even slightly different is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen.

The only story I can get into somewhat right now is Jessica and Brody because they're both so pretty and damaged. And I'm not a fan of just watching for the pretty but the rest is such utter trash.