Edited January 2, 200817 yr by Ryan Chandler
Added New Picture

Do you want to stay in hospitality? It seems like a good fit for your personality, I could see you being concierge at a "hip/trendy" (forgive me for those cheesy adjectives ) hotel in L.A.

I like it, a lot, but i think for where I am right now i really want a job that can take over my life. I really have nothing else going on so id love a good paying, challenging career that takes up a majority of my time. I know thats odd and people hate those jobs, and i am sure i will get to a point where i do too...

Yeah' date=' sure, you could sabotage the relationship -- and who knows, maybe you'll get the guy in the end. But you'll never have a moment's peace, because you will wonder whether he's with you because he truly loves and wants to be with you, or because you were just clever enough to snare him. (God forbid he discovers, too, how sneaky you were to get him at all.) Mark my words, too: the same means you undertake to get him will be the same means someone else uses to take him away from you.[/quote']

See, this is something I'm terrified of. My best friend in the whole wide world is very proud of the fact that she fought and fought hard for her boyfriend when we were in high school. They're still together, but I often wonder why. Is it because he truly loves her or because she "caught" him and now it's hard for him to break away? I'd never ever want that for myself.

I say, just be forthright with this Scott: if you're attracted to him, and if you think he might have similar feelings for you, then put all the proverbial cards on the table and tell him so. If he is interested in you, he'll respond the way you want him to. If he doesn't, then consider that no great loss to you and know you are much too precious to waste anymore time pining for someone who doesn't care for you. (And if he gives you that "I feel too awkward now to keep being friends with you" b.s., then you know you were better off w/o him. A real man is mature and gracious enough to understand your feelings and not let them affect the friendship.)

Yes, there is the risk of rejection and subsequent humiliation, but you know what? No one ever died from being embarrassed.

Take it from one who's been there.

Khan, you can tell me this a hundred times. Many others have, online and offline. It won't change a single thing. I'll still be a scared lil bitch with no guts, no glory. I have not the foggiest idea what it'll take for me to get off my ass and do the damn thing.

But anyway, some updates. The Christmas party at Jenn's cousin's house did not turn out as I'd hoped it would. It wasn't a total disaster, in the end, but it wasn't quite the Christmas miracle I'd wanted. Basically, I had to show up extremely late because of work. Like...the party started at 7pm and I didn't get off until 11pm, that's how late. I also had a 15-20 minute drive to the party, which gave me plenty of time to think and be nervous. I knew for sure that Scott and Jenn would be at the party. I worried that Andrew would have been present, but it didn't hit me until I was almost there -- Mark could very well be present, too. I wasn't sure of the status of Scott and Mark at the time, but I became very aware of it at the party.

So I get there, the party's still raging on. It's more of a family atmosphere, but Jenn's family is very laid-back and dysfunctional. To set the scene, there was tons of porn just lying around for anyone to peruse at their will. Very mature, but very laid-back. I get there, and immediately upon my arrival, Jenn greets me with a hug. Andrew is there, and he immediately starts whispering in some chick's ear. They're both looking at me as he whispers, and then he starts to giggle. I start drinking because I know if I don't, I'll go the f!ck off on him and make things awkward. So I drink, and he starts acting fake, trying to be friendly. Whatever. Scott is there, looking sexy, but so is Mark, and for the entire night, Scott desperately begged Mark for sex or, at the least, a make out session. Mark wasn't budging. Apparently, he has a guy in the city where he lives, and he wasn't down with making out with Scott. Scott basically laid his feelings out on the line, but Mark was NOT having it. The night ended with Andrew vomiting in the bathroom and humiliating in himself and with Scott and Mark walking alone together to Jenn's house, where they'd spend the night. Of course, despite the fact that me and Scott had hung out for a while and had a few moments, the visual of the two of them walking off into the darkness, holding each other up, CRUSHED me. The whole drive home, I convinced myself that I was OVER IT as far as Scott was concerned. OVER IT! He wanted Mark? He could have Mark. Whatever.

The next day, I briefly chatted with Scott while he was at work and I needed to stop by to pick something up for a second. He looked totally down in the dumps, and I asked if he was okay, but he claimed he wasn't feeling well. Bullsh!t. I knew that he was upset because he and Mark had obviously not gotten around to doing anything with each other. I let him have his space, though, and I didn't bring it up. I look back and wonder...if I had brought it up then, how would he have responded? I mean, I've started to know this man like the back of my hand, so it's becoming very easy for me to read right through his facades, so I don't know. He ended up admitting to me a few days later at work that Mark had refused to even touch him and ended up driving to his parents' house instead of staying at Jenn's house. I told him he needed to GET OVER MARK. He knows he needs to, but he said that it's hard because, of course, Mark was his first love. He doesn't want to get over Mark.

Christmas was getting closer, and I wanted desperately to buy him something more personal than a gift card to somewhere. Things started to line up perfectly when he was leaving work one day, and I was working at a register, and he was torn between two shirts he wanted. One was PERFECT for him and the other one was just okay. Of course, the perfect one cost more, so he ended up getting the just okay shirt. I immediately put the perfect shirt on hold and bought it later that day, wrapped it up with a copy of a book he'd been wanting to read, and thought long and hard about what to write in the card. I thought back to last Christmas, when I also worried over what would be the thing to write in the card. This Christmas was much different, of course, considering how closer we'd gotten. I wanted to touch on our friendship, but I also wanted to touch on my deeper feelings. But then...I also wanted to touch on the fact that if he doesn't feel the same way as me, I could be okay with that. I ended up waxing poetic about how closer we'd gotten, and I included this line: "I know we'll never be more than friends..." I'm unsure of that was a mistake or an achievement. Of course, it's a complete and total lie, because if I definitely knew for sure that we'll never be more than friends, then I wouldn't agonize over all of this so much! But I put that in the card, hoping he'd read it and come to me, telling me that we could be more than friends. I don't know what I was thinking, to be honest.

I left the gift for him at work, he opened them and loved them. I truly hit a home run with the presents. He wore the shirt to his family's annual Christmas party and, his words, "proudly" told everyone that I'd gotten him the shirt (because, apparently, he's told his mother and sister enough stories about me that they know me by name now). He devoured the book and loved it, and now we have these nerdy, fangirly discussions about it almost every single day, eagerly waiting for the movie adaptation to be released. Not a single word was said, or has been said, about what was written in the card. I don't know how he mentally processed the words or if he'd even realized that there had been a card in the box. Maybe he never saw it. Maybe he saw it and took those stupid words "I know we'll never be more than friends" at face value. I don't know. To make things even more worrisome, even though I'd insisted to him that he did NOT have to get me anything, I kinda sorta waited to see if he had indeed gotten me something. He didn't. Whatever. I told him not to, so it didn't hurt that much. What DID hurt, however, was learning that he and Mark had gone to see a movie together a few days after Christmas. Of course, in my mind, I'm imagining he and Mark on a date, but as I've gotten to know more about their current dynamics, it really doesn't feel like that big of a threat. He'd also gone to the movies with another random local gay, and I've kinda had a non-reaction about that. New Year's came, and his plans were to go to another one of Jenn's parties. The NYE party was a formal affair, though, held at her father's swanky reception hall. Of course, Mark was also present, but in the days before and after NYE, Scott's let out a lot of allusions towards "moving on" and "looking forward." Of course, this could be generic New Year's Day speak, but I like to believe he's given up on reliving the teenage love story he had with Mark ten years ago.

I resolved to get over him for 2013, but of course, that's been a bust. He's been giving me more attention than ever this last week, and we had a very long, in-depth conversation about life a few days ago. We talked about the future, the things we both want, what we hope happens in the new year. He also talked about the cruise he's planning with Jenn, Mark, and another co-worker of ours, Sierra, which doesn't really bug me because I've concluded that Mark isn't interested in revisiting his relationship with Scott. The next day, I was working alone in the morning with our store manager, and during our work, we talked a lot about New Year's, which led to her explaining to me how her and her husband had their first date on New Year's Eve, which somehow led to her asking me if Scott and I are "together." For a second, I had NO IDEA why she'd asked me that or what had led her to even think of it, but I just answered that we were "good friends," that we weren't "quite there yet," and that "I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more between us." I realized later that I'd told her about the shirt I'd bought for him, and maybe she'd connected the dots and that was why she'd asked. I don't know. It was a very weird conversation, with her explaining that I've been so happy and contented lately and that she thought for sure Scott was the reason why. I don't know.

So there's really nothing new, just a lot of "getting closer," which has been the name of the game for the last year. I honestly have no idea what I'm waiting for. Him to make the next move? I don't know. Ever since Christmas, he's been acting somewhat weird around me, very extra-friendly, and I don't know if that's because he's trying to send a sign or if it's because he's under the impression that I know we'll never be more than friends (so it's OKAY to be friendly now, I won't read too deeply into it). I wish I could just get up the guts to ask him out, but I'm starting to believe I've physically incapable of doing so. My mind turns to mush whenever I'm around him, and it's all I can do to string together a coherent sentence that isn't punctuated by nervous laughter. But then again, sometimes I feel he suffers the exact same fate whenever we're around each other, because I see a lot of my behavior in him.

Why can't I just TELL HIM HOW I FEEEEEL?

It's obvious Scott is still into Mark. Why is he going on this cruise with him?? Probably hoping something will happen. I think you need to move on AMS. I mean he has to be blind not to know you are interested in him. You got him the shirt he wanted and book...hello.....I mean seriously I've only done that for guys/people I really care for and love. There is nothing that tells me he wants to go out with you. The only bright side was his family knowiing about you but that could be easily him telling his family how nice you are.. the usual crap us guys(meaning nice/sweet guys comment we) get. I mean if I was interested in you and you told me you didnt want anything I'd still get you something...thats just me..maybe not all guys are the same. Did he get anything for Mark?? A present I mean??

Him seeming to get closer you is more gratitude/being nice to you since you are nice to him...you know what I mean....the he is a great guy but friends only..

I really say this not to burst your bubble but to help realize he isn't into you like you are and find someone who really cares for you and feels the same way.

Oh, it's an undisputed fact that he's still into Mark. We've had conversations where he's all but said that his other two exes were completely irrelevant because he was still hung up on Mark. In fact, I've recently learned that he cheated on his last boyfriend with Mark, so that speaks volumes. Still...ugh. I feel as though if I move on without ever addressing my feelings for him to him, I'll always wonder "What would have happened..." I still wonder that about the other guys I've had feelings for, and it's a sucky, sucky feeling, especially when you have no one to take your mind off of them. That's part of why I can't just move on from Scott. If I move on from him, then what? I live in a part of the world where options are VERY limited for gay men, and if you aren't a particular age, look, etc, then those options become even slimmer. I move on from Scott, then I'm stuck in the same rut I was in for years before I met him -- completely void of even the slightest possibility of being with someone. I hang on to Scott because he's something to hang on to, though it's not fair to pretend like I don't really have deeper feelings for him. I mean, I'm completely in love with who he is as a person. He's funny, he's sweet, he's very passionate about the things he believes in, he knows how to have a good time, but he also knows how to make the most of quiet, intimate moments, and we have so many things in common. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who is more compatible with me than he is, and that's what's scary.

Oh, it's an undisputed fact that he's still into Mark. We've had conversations where he's all but said that his other two exes were completely irrelevant because he was still hung up on Mark. In fact, I've recently learned that he cheated on his last boyfriend with Mark, so that speaks volumes. Still...ugh. I feel as though if I move on without ever addressing my feelings for him to him, I'll always wonder "What would have happened..." I still wonder that about the other guys I've had feelings for, and it's a sucky, sucky feeling, especially when you have no one to take your mind off of them. That's part of why I can't just move on from Scott. If I move on from him, then what? I live in a part of the world where options are VERY limited for gay men, and if you aren't a particular age, look, etc, then those options become even slimmer. I move on from Scott, then I'm stuck in the same rut I was in for years before I met him -- completely void of even the slightest possibility of being with someone. I hang on to Scott because he's something to hang on to, though it's not fair to pretend like I don't really have deeper feelings for him. I mean, I'm completely in love with who he is as a person. He's funny, he's sweet, he's very passionate about the things he believes in, he knows how to have a good time, but he also knows how to make the most of quiet, intimate moments, and we have so many things in common. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who is more compatible with me than he is, and that's what's scary.

And I was about to tell you/say to get some new friends because the ones you have now seem toxic for you including all the females too. Even if those friends arent gay...just straight friends meaning the guys. Branch out and make other friends but keep the ones you have but don't spend as much time with them. I know you have to say them at work but that's not the same as hanging. Let's see if Scott says anything to you once you move on to other friends. Of course you could just tell him how you really feel. Put everything out there...at least you know he is gay...he cant tell you I am not into guys...lol. At least you will finally know how he feels about you. I have a feeling he is going to say he isnt ready for a relationship because he is still hung up on Scott. You could tell him he is missing out on something special with you or someone else because of his devotion to Mark. I know he probably knows all these but the more he hears it maybe he will finally decide to have that long talk with Mark about his feeling for him and he can move on with you or someone else or end up with Mark again. I am not sure how much Mark knows about Scott's feelings for him. You could also go the soap route and tell Mark how hung up Scott still is with him and that you are interested in Scott but he cant move on because of him and tell him to be honest with Scott and to stop playing him/using him. Now that would be juicy especially if it got back to Scott. Scott would finally know your true feelings. He could confront you and you would tell him why you did it and how you were afraid to lose him by his rejection towards you liking him.

So, I was supposed to have a date this weekend. Instead. I'm going to be in pain...and hopped up on Vicodine probably. Nice....Thanks tooth!

I am so stoned on painkillers right now ya'll. I need to do so much before bed. I need a bath, and I need to get my clothes for tomorrow together...and I can't even get up to put up the leftover spaghetti. Oy!

BUMP!

Nice try.

Selena did you ever have that date? PM me if you don't wanna broadcast it here!

Hmmm...what to post...something about Eric??...something about me?? hmmmmm....a picture?? not sure

A picture of what? Hoe! LOL

*debates in head* so should I talk about my awful night with a porn star here, or on the PP thread?

PP thread! Nobody will see it here!

*debates in head* so should I talk about my awful night with a porn star here, or on the PP thread?

Send it to me on Facebook Eric.

No bitches I want to know, too!

Nice try.

Selena did you ever have that date? PM me if you don't wanna broadcast it here!

Nope. The bastard flaked on me. He never called. Nor has he messaged me back on facebook or emailed me since that night.

I giiiiiiiiiiiiive upppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!