Has Anyone Felt As I Do?

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

I don't mind posting this; maybe it will help me in some way.....

I suffer from depression; have been dealing and trying to handle it for close to four years now; well, since 2002. Alot of stuff happened to me at an early age and as a result, I never dealt with it until now; or at least I'm trying to deal with it.

Back in late 2004, I decided to go off my Zoloft on my own...I actually thought that I was getting better and that I no longer needed the medicine. That was a big mistake...I had a serious breakdown; so bad that I refused to go out and do things on my own. I would spend most of my days cooped up in the house; refusing to do anything to keep my mind from wandering.

Right now, I'm back on the medication, however, I think something is wrong. I've experienced a bout of depressing days....One minute I feel happy, the next I'm crying and I just don't know why. I often wonder if it's going to be this way for me all the time? I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and I'm tired of it. I want to have some sort of happiness and calm in my life.

I talked to someone that was a supportive ear (I pray he doesn't think me a basketcase and stop talking to me altogether) and it helped somewhat, I will admit. I guess I like talking to folks I can not see and can not hear.

I'm done venting now; I think I needed to do that.

[Ms. Walsh]

I hope everything works out. I can definitely relate to what you're going through. I've had depression since I was 14 (5 years), and once I left HS I thought it would be better, but in my first year of college, I think it got worse. I think it somehow segwayed into being anxiety, but I still get my "blue" moments. A lot of bad stuff happened: I had an awful roommate who threatened me and I had to move in w/ another girl. Then during exam time, my grandmother passed away, and it was a really awful experience all-around b/c I lived w/ her and had to juggle school as well as going home every weekend.

Nothing big happened 2nd semester, but all the crap that occurred in the 1st semester flowed over and caused a lot of problems for me. Basically, I didn't take care of myself and let all the problems grow inside me, so it all exploded in my face a few months later. I had a panic attack and started to get paranoid about dying (b/c of the stuff that happened to my grandmother). I'm sure my roommate thinks I'm a nut-case, but the best thing for me was that she was there and she helped me a lot. I can't imagine what I would have done if I moved into a single and was all by myself. Anyway, throughout the semester I kept getting sick (I know most of it was all in my head), but I suffer from IBS and it got really bad from stress and not eating properly. Sometimes I would be really happy, and then other times I would be severely depressed and would just sit on my bed and listen to depressing music and cry all day long. It got to the point where I considered taking meds (b/c I was afraid of becoming suicidal: I was never suicidal, but sometimes it got to the point where all I would look forward to was sleeping and thought about how amazing it would be to never wake up ), but I wound up nixing it b/c I have a phobia about taking pills.

I think, for me, the best thing is just talking to other people about it. A lot of people on this board helped me when I considered going on meds and it was really nice. If you want, you can always PM or e-mail me. Also, it helps to write stuff down. I have a personal journal and then a blog that nobody reads. It's good to just rant about stuff w/o worrying about what other people think. Since I'm back home, things are a little bit calmer, but I still have my ups and downs. Whenever I feel like things are out of control, I take a bath or watch my favorite TV shows or listen to calm music.

The most important thing is to know that you're not alone. A lot of people experience the same thing.

[JinkiesP]

V, you can pm or email me anytime you want and just rant away.

[Jinxed Soul]

I can relate to the whole emotional rollercoaster thing. My life has been pretty messed up with family related problems for the past 2-3 years. Last year was the absolute worst for me. All of the tension was unbearable and it seriously impacted my life. My grades began to slip drastically and I couldn't bear to leave school nor could I handle it. I was emotionally and physically torn apart, and I felt so alone. I felt like there was absolutely no point in living on, and I should spare myself the agony. I talked to a few people about this. There was one friend in particular that I often talked to about this matter. He really did listen and tried to help make things better, but I didn't really know what I wanted and what I was doing. More than anything, I was afraid that things may get worse, and I would end up suffering more pain than ever before. It was difficult to keep so much bottled inside, so it helped telling all this to someone. One may think that simply telling someone stuff isn't going to help, but it does. It may not change anything, but it helps.

Now, things have improved on some levels. My family problems have calmed down slightly. When something does happen, by the time I get it off my mind and heal from the pain, something else seems to take place. I find myself often on this "emotional rollercoaster". One minute I'm happy, and the next minute, I'll begin thinking about all of my problems, and I'll be sad again. I'm also finding that I get stressed out very easily, and the slightest things bring me down.You're definitely not alone. Feel free to vent, because I know I felt much better when I talked about all this.

[Ms. Tee 7]

I've had more than a few rides on that emotional roller coaster. Family problems and repressed childhood issues can really cause havoc on a person's mind. Talking about it makes it easier, and I understan what you mean about talking to people that you can't see. Sometimes, it's easier to open when you don't have a face there looking back at you.

Sweet, if you feel like the meds are not working for you, you may want to talk to your doctor about it. My mother dealt with depression when I was younger, and like you, she went off her meds went she thought she was better. That was a big mistake. It takes a while to get that medication back in your system to level you out again.

Like I told you before, feel free to talk to me anytime. Hang in there, and I pray things get better for you.

[Q Steph]

Damn, you just described my current moods to a T.

These damn pills are no longer a quick fix. I'd like to ween myself off, but I'm overwhelmed whether I take them or not. Right now, I want to break something or do anything to release this aggression. I hate being depressed and living like a prisoner to my moods.

[King]

Are you seeing a therapist? If so, is there any way you can ask about the dosage? Is it possible you were misdiagnosed and don't suffer from depression, but someone else? Also, can you/did you get a second opinion?

It is good that you have a supportive shoulder/ear. I've learned that you can be the most independent person on the EARTH, but if you don't have a way to vent, then, oy, you're in trouble! You can always vent on here, or start a journal, or a livejournal?

I am not sure what happened in your life that you alluded to, and this might sound silly, but I recently picked up Dr. Phil's two books, Life Strategies and Self Matters. Life Strategies is a great read. You'll fly through it. He covers a whole bunch of stuff. It's really blunt and helpful. I can actually see how people have said this book changed their lives. It's actually very inspirational and motivating.

[Toadstool]

If you are on medication and you feel it is not working, you really should contact the physician who prescribed it. Often all it takes is a phone call. Dosages are a balancing act and more than a few tries are sometimes required. Generally a therapist (depending on where you live) is not qualified to prescribe meds but therapy is a good idea in conjunction with meds just the same, if you can swing it. An impartial voice will not tell you what you want to hear or avoid the subjects you should be addressing. We all need friends but occasionally our needs are more than friendship can and should handle - but I am in no way saying you should avoid discussing problems with your friends; if it seems the answers are still eluding you or you feel your friendships are suffering, try therapy. I hate to pull out old clichés but the fact that you are aware of a problem and reaching out says a lot about how far you've progressed. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

[Scotty]

SweetNYGal33 I know what you're going through. I suffer from depression as well, and have for many of my 26 years. I used to take Lexapro for it, but currently I am not on any medication. And it's always great to have a caring friend or family member to lean on.

I remember the times I would set in my bedroom in the dark for hours on end instead of going out and facing the world. And when times really got rough, I would intentionaly cut myself on the upper parts of my arms. In fact that is part of the reason why I lost the woman I love...she broke up with with me in 2004 just days before our wedding after we had a huge fight, I got depressed and cut myself on my upper right arm (I'm left handed) so bad that I had to get stitches for it. But I'm better these days, although I still have my 'dark days'.

So, I know what you're going through. And if I can be of any help, just let me know. And hang in there, things will get better, but it will take time.

Take care of yourself.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

Thank you all for your responses....I think I know what may have happened that caused my sudden depression....I wound up missing two doses of medication....my doctor asked me if I'm taking it on a regular basis (at the same time) and I told him sometimes I get so busy, I either think could have taken it already, or I forget...He said for me to set an alarm to remind me when it's time to take it....I've started doing that, and it looks like things are going okay....I will admit that it's a small improvement, because there are still times when I just get mopey; but it's better than I was feeling last week and the beginning of this week.

[Scotty]

Glad to here that you're feeling better. I was getting worried about you. Glad the alarm idea is working, I never would have thought of that.

Hope you start feeling even better very soon.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

I was getting worried about myself too...When I started going to sessions and taking medication, it slowly worked and things started to get better; but I too was worried that I was relapsing back into a deep depressive state again...

I too hope you are doing well Scotty...the same offer you extended to me is extended to you as well.

[Scotty]

Thank you...and I am doing better, but I still have 'blue days' from time to time. Thanks again for your offer...it's always good to have someone to talk to that knows how you feel.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

I'm beginning to realize that I'm never going to fully get over being down and sad....It's hard for me to accept or understand why people act like depression is just a normal thing. For some, yes, it is a normal thing to be sad and upset but for alot of people it's not when you are always in tears and just feel like tearing your hair out.

It bothers me when folks tell me "Oh, look on the bright side...things will get better for you." or my all time favorite..."It's not that bad." How would they know? I also get tired of talking to people who say they understand, but don't or just blow me off because they don't want to have to hear how I feel. That's the worst thing a person can do is brush someone off, knowing they suffer depression and just need someone to talk to. But then again, I personally wouldn't want to talk to anyone that doesn't give a damn about me to begin with.

After reading what Scotty and some of the rest of you said, I really feel that you all understand exactly what I'm going through. I still have a hard time accepting that I have depression and that I need to be on medication to cope.

[Toadstool]

Trust me, Baby, it will pass. Find a reason to hang on. Get a pet, a cat or a bird or a dog. This feeling will pass. And youi'll want to STAY if you have a pet.

You have to wait it out. Life does get better

Please feel free to Contact me