Breaking up is hard to do...

[KLN]

I don't know if I should post this here. But I don't try anyone else in my 'real' life to open up. I have to get this off my chest, though.

My boyfriend of four years, who I've lived with for a year and a half now, broke up with me yesterday morning. He's going back home to live with his parents.

I've seen this coming for some time. Last June, he expressed great interest in leaving. He told me how he felt. I asked him just to stay a while longer to see if we could fix things.

He stayed. For the past month, he's been very distant. He doesn't talk to me, he's not affectionate with me. Yesterday morning, we had a small disagreement. We were actually laughing about it at the time. And suddenly, it turned really serious. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and we sat in silence for 35 minutes before he finally looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Kenny. You deserve better." We were both crying. I've been crying nonstop ever since. I've not eaten anything, I've not slept. He's going to start packing his things today. And I just feel like crawling into a dark corner and listening to "I Will Always Love You" on continuous rotate.

As much as I don't want to hold him back -- and I certainly don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me -- my heart is still breaking. Because in the past, we've had some really good times. Unforgettable times that I will cherish forever. And it's just hard to let that go, to admit failure. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just don't work. And this is one of those situations. Neither one of us did anything in particular to make this a 'nasty' breakup. We've just grown apart. And I hate that. Because I love this man. I absolutely do love this man. He's the most selfless, giving, loving, tender, amazing person I've ever met.

I've always felt that maybe he just wasn't ready to live on his own. He's 24 now, but he's always been very sheltered. About a year ago, we both lost our jobs. Billy had to take a job that didn't allow him to continue his schooling. So he had to give up college and work this job that he doesn't like just to pay the bills. Staying here, having to work that job and not go to college, was really limiting for him. So that probably has something to do with it, too.

Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I can probably handle the bills here on my own. But my job, at the moment, isn't really stable. I'm petrified at the thought of doing this alone. And if I can't handle it, I really don't have any place to go. I'm sure that if worse came to worse, my mom and stepdad would let me move back in. But I'd have to be right back out there trying again. And that's understandable. But it's still so much harder to think of doing this without Billy's support and companionship.

Then there's this apartment, itself. So many memories. We've lived here together from day one. What happens when all of his stuff is gone, and it's just me here by myself... in the quiet... with him moving back home and totally living in another state? I don't know what I'll do and he's gone and all that's left here are memories. All of the things he's bought me and given me still here, in plain view. Do I keep them, do I throw them away? I can't bring myself to do that right now. But I feel like I can't stay here after this. There are too many memories. On one hand, I want to stay so that I can remember the better times. On the other hand, I want to leave so that I won't torture myself with constant reminders.

This is such a bittersweet goodbye. I'm already deflated. And I just don't know what to feel. Part of me wants to be angry, to make this goodbye easier. But part of me would hate to end this relationship badly.

Anyway, he's staying here for a few days until his stuff is all out and back home at his parents. He'll be completely gone on the day before his birthday, when I was planning to make a romantic dinner for him. I'd already bought the card. It's sitting in my dresser drawer, waiting to be opened. Now, I guess it never will.

He just went to bed and before he went to sleep, I told him that I loved him. He just looked at me, pained and confused. And said nothing. That was like a knife in my heart. He's not just leaving this place, leaving me. He's moving to another state. I'll probably never see him again. I'll be lucky if I ever get the courage to talk to him again, online or otherwise. This feels like a death or something.

Sometimes, I really think that breaking up with someone is harder than the death of a loved one. At least with death, you don't know that the person you love is out there in someone else's bed. When you know they're out there, you've always got that "What if?" problem... wondering if it's possible to try again somehow. And death is uncontrollable. A breakup is a conscious effort -- which makes it hurt all that much worse. It's like the pain of ripping off a band aid, even though you know you have to, even though it'll still hurt like hell.

I remember a few years ago, Billy showed up at my doorstep with flowers in his hand. I opened the door, and there he was. He kissed me, and we went out for a little night walk together. As we were walking, it started to pour down rain. And we just walked through it. Billy was wearing sandals, and his feet got all muddy. When we finally got to his car, I actually took the shirt off my back so that he could wipe his feet clean, LoL. Needless to say, I didn't put the shirt back on. But we were just so happy, so committed. So together, walking in the warm summer rain. I've always loved that memory. And now everything's gone.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just had to get this off my chest. Share my feelings. And, I guess, put it into words this way since it's too painful for me to say verbally. How do you say farewell to four years of memories? Four years of happiness, sadness, tears and laughter? So, for him and I, this is the final bow. I'm not what he needs, and sometimes, love just isn't enough. So goodbye to you, Billy. I've always loved you and I always will. I wish you the best of luck and the most happiness.

Thanks for listening.

(FYI: The computer I'm using right now is his. Mine doesn't work, and when he takes the computer, I'm not sure how I'll have internet access. I'll probably be MIA for a while... which sucks. Going through the hardest time in my life right now, and I don't even have my creative or entertaining outlet)

[AbFabGL4ever7]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Kenny. I just posted my situation, in the gay,bi, curious topic. My ex Will lives in England now but we have been apart for two years. Its hard saying goodbye to someone who u love for what u seem like is gonna be forever and u may never see them again. Although my situation is different then yours (I want Will back, have let him know, and I'm traveling to England this summer to right a wrong that never should have happened....us breaking up.) I hope that u use your family/friends to help u through this tough time trust me it helps having them around when u feel alone and are missing Billy. I'm not saying it will get easier, but using the positve memories u have of him as a foundation to heal instead destructing should give u insight on the next journey or phase of your life. It worked for me and it gave me the courage figure out what I wanted to do. I know I want Will back, the circumstances of why we broke up was out of our control, but with that said I realized I had to take control of what wanted and instead of wilting away and letting the fact that we live in two different countries get in my way I decided to do whatever I have to do to achieve my goal. So far so good, When I get to England I'm just gonna take the plunge let Will know I wanna be with him and I can't deal without having him in my life like this. I used to go out all the time to clubs, restuarants, concerts, ect.... but now I find peace in watching Ab Fab cause its Me and Will's all time favorite show. If my friends want to see me they have to come over cause other than work, visiting my family, & shopping all the other stuff seems pointless without Will by my side. Although I have this glimmer of hope don't let this seem like your situation is hopeless. Who knows what the future may bring your way. You may fall in love again, but just don't give up hope on what ever your heart may desire. And to end on a humorous note.... I have a plan A and a plan B, but my plan C is my secret weapon......My mother. I know I know who wants their mother to plead their case to their ex's, but in this case all she would have to say is "please take this child back cause he is getting on my damn nerves!" although she is no fool when it comes to matters of the heart and she knows when two people truly belong together. Plus Will has a problem saying No to my mother cause she helped him out at a time when his parents wouldn't . Lets just chalk this up to a relapse of Sami Brady Syndrome. Lol!

I hope this helped in some way cause u seemed like needed to just vent. Just know if Billy can't see how special u are then its his loss and someone elses gain.

Oh.....try and lay off the " I will always love you" enough of that song will drive anyone to not eating or sleeping. Oh ya.....eat and take care of yourself. Hope to keep seeing u on SON in the future and good luck.

[KLN]

Thanks for the reply, AbFab. The support and thoughts definitely help. In times like this, we often feel like we're the only ones who've ever felt this pain before, as if nobody can understand. It's good to know that there are others out there who can relate, in some way or another. It makes you not feel quite so alone.

[King]

I am so sorry, Kenny! Being at SON for as long as we have (the beginning?), I feel like I was right there with you guys from the very beginning! Oy, that mother of his! But I am very sorry to hear about this. But, hey, you never know what is going to happen in the future like meeting someone who will make what Billy is saying true or getting back together with Billy. You never do know! Well, you know we are all here for you.

[Andre]

I remember when you met Billy all that time ago. I hope everything goes well.

[Hartless]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Kenny, hopefully the time you did spend together and the memories you have from it will help you deal with this. I remember when you guys had problems because of his mother. Try to remember that it will get better, and you never know what the future holds. Maybe after he's completed his schooling and you've spent time apart you'll find your back together. As for your apartment woes and the bills, you could apply for a roomate, split the rent if you don't feel you can afford it on your own. Everyone at SON loves you and you got us, so unload anytime.

[OneLife Fan]

Wow Kenny!! I am very sorry to hear this. But keep ur head up and try to remain strong. U will get through this day by day. This happened to me once with my 1st love...and i felt as if i was gonna have a nervous breakdown. I couldnt eat or sleep much for 2 weeks. It was horrible. But i eventually got through it...and so will you. Just try to keep the faith. Take care of yourself.

[R!ck]

Kenny, I'm sorry I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but things will get better. If you need a friend to talk with, you have my home phone. Call Me

[KLN]

Thanks for the kind words, everybody. It really helps.

Andre! You need to post more, damn you, LoL.

Rick, PM me your number again. I lost that a looong time ago, LoL

[KBT]

Awww Kenny I wish I could just reach into Ohio and just give ya a big ole hug! You are definitely one of my favorite posters and have been with you since the Channa days, I really feel for you. I havent had a real serious relationship like you had with Billy, but I want you to know me and countless others here at SON are thinking about you and I hope everything gets better for you very soon. If you ever want to talk dont hesitate to PM for my #.

[KLN]

Yeah, I recall that. Those infamous chats. Everyone would be talking about dramatic soap board war stuff, and I'd be in there... "Oh my God, I'm so in love. Yay me, yay me!" Why didn't you just slap me? LoL

Well Kirk, are you offering me your digits?

If I ever need to talk, I promise I'll be PMing you. I may just do it anyway, LoL.

[R!ck]

sent

[KBT]

Yes Kenny I am offering, just my digits though

[KMan101]

LOL @ Kirk and Kenny!

Kenny, very sorry to hear this You're definitely one of my favorite posters and I also remember the "early days" of you and Billy. It's really sad when things go bad like this but hopefully you can pick yourself up and get back out there and things will go better than ever.

I'm not really good with the mushy stuff, LOL, but my thoughts are with you, definitely. I know I don't post a whole lot, lol, but I'm here too if you need to talk.

[Scotty]

Hang in there Kenny, it will get better. I know all to well how it feels to break up with someone you love so dearly. Last summer I had a final breakup with my ex-girlfriend. We met in 2003, and were set to get married in July 2004. We had a huge fight and broke up less than two days before our wedding (which, unfortunately never got to happen). We hooked back up a little after that until October of '04. Got back together again in April of '05 and broke up the final time in August '05. Needless to say, all of that has left me heartbroken and devastated. And it certainly does feel like a knife through the heart when they tell you they don't love you anymore. We also had an apartment together, and I couldn't stay there after she left. I had to move out, because I couldn't stand being around all those memories of happier times. I pray each and every day that she will come back to me, while at the same time realizing that I am now all alone and without the person I love.

So hang in there Kenny. I know how you're feeling right now. And I know that things will get better, but it will take time; a LOT of time. You're in my thoughts and prayers; and although we have never had the chance to talk here on SON, you are one of my favorite posters. Feel free to e-mail or PM me if you ever want to talk. Take care of yourself buddy, and remember that I, along with all your other friends here at SON, are here for you whenever you need us.

Take care and best of luck,

Scotty