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Painful Moments in Your Life


NaVell J. Lee

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I just read this and I wanted to share this:

Ever hear a song and it reminds you of something that is going on in your life or makes you re-evaluate how you handled a certain situation. Well, that happened to me today. I'm here listening to Carrie Underwood's new album and came across a song called "Starts With Goodbye". Here are the lyrics below.

QUOTE

I was sittin' on my doorstep

I hung up the phone

And it fell out of my hand

But I knew I had to do it

And you wouldn't understand...

So hard to see myself without you

I felt a peice of my heart break

But when you're standing at a crossroad

And there's a choice you gotta make...

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt

I guess I’m gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved to give to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down

And pull away this heart of mine

It’s sad but sometimes movin' on with the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

I know that there's a blue horizion

Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me

But getting there means leaving things behind

Sometimes life's so bittersweet

I guess it’s gonna have to hurt

I guess I’m gonna have to cry

And let go of some things I've loved to give to the other side

I guess it's gonna break me down

And pull away this heart of mine

It’s sad but sometimes movin' on with the rest of your life

Starts with goodbye

Time heals

The wounds that you feel

Somehow

Right Now...

That song made me so think about my relationship with my ex girlfriend. Obviously I'm still hung up on her because we've been broken up since February 2004 and I still can't get her out of my system. Why? Because we didn't do a clean break. We still hang out, just yesterday we went to the Audioslave concert at the Borgota. Would normal couples who broke up still hang out casually...especially with the chaotic relationship that she and I had? I don't think so, but I can't help it and neither can she. This song made me think about how I've been hanging on to something that isn't there. I've been wanting to start an advice column but before I can, I need to take my own advice and let go.

I really can't see myself without Michele. I mean we've been around each other since like forever. Yeah we went through our "evil" phase after our breakup but I felt a void in my life without her and now that she's around I feel myself slipping slowly and slowly back into relationship mode with her. That is something I don't want. I can't do. "Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye"....I guess I'm going to have to say goodbye to her. I can't move on and she's constantly around. If this means I have to move back to Manhattan permanately when our (my roomates and mine) house is finished being renovated so be it. I need a clean break, a fresh start, no string attached.

I seriously feel that if I don't get away from her soon I'm going to have a breakdown. I mean, it doesn't bother me that she occasionally dates other people, but it in a way it does. I don't get jealous but I feel pain in my heart. I feel like a part of me is gone because I don't have her, but I have to realize why it is we broke up in the first place. I couldn't trust her. She hurt me. She betrayed me. No matter how much I repeat that I can't let go. I'm 19. For 6 years (off and on) she and I were like in each others soul. Everything we did when were were happy and angry was because of each other. Whenever we broke up and we tried to make each other jealous, it wasn't out of hate or anger it was out of love. When I broke up with her in February 2004, my heart ached for weeks because it was like I killed a part of myself and then the war began. Even after all the things she said and did to ruin my life, I couldn't be without her. I reached out to her to rebuild our friendship in November of 2004 and here we are a year later and I still haven't totally gotten her out of system.

Am I stupid? Am I crazy? No, I'm not. I'm in love, hard. But I can't let go though I need to. I've learned in my psych classes that it's bad to be so emotionally attached to someone but whatelse can you be to someone you have loved and hated since you were a kid? When we got together it wasn't because "I like you, you like me, let's go out" it was stragegy. To make us more popular because cheerleaders should date football players. But I grew to love her. And though she infuriated the hell out of me, I saw myself being with her forever. No matter who it was we dated, we always ended back together because we needed to be chaotic together. Lol, we were voted most likely to be married and divorced 3 times to each other.

I am now standing at a crossroad. Do I go down the road that I've taken for so many years, or do I do the unthinkable and say "Goodbye" to someone who ultimately it wouldn't work out with. I know I keep sending her mixed signals but I'm gonna to say goodbye to be happy. Do I think I'll ever care for someone as much as I care for her? Maybe I will, I'll always love her, but I can't be with her. One thing I know this pain is good for is acting. Thank god I have this pain to draw from when I need to be emotional. Oh my god, I mean I'm actually tearing up writing this. Maybe because this is it. This is the end. Shelle, I know you're gonna read this eventually and when you do I don't want you to get upset. I want you to go back and read how much you have dominated my life since we broke up. Go back and read my other blog entries and find out how many times I've cried over you. How many good relationships I was in since you that have ended because I though I said it, I wasn't able to move on. Know that I am saying goodbye because I do love you and because I need to be happy. You need to be happy. And we won't be able to do that unless one of us makes a clean break, and I'm gonna have to do it.

One day we will look back on our relationship and realize that it made us stronger friends, but I can't do that until I end the story that is "The Ryan & Michelle Conflict". There is no catchy way to end this, no "witty" thing that I can say, just that I feel a major part of me has died and will be reborn after this is over.

No, you are not crazy. In fact, I like how you get these feelings out and not keep them bottled up. I used to do that, and that wasn't good, so if I am upset about something, I voice it. You know you have a lot of friends that care about you...I like to think of myself as one of them. And they will lend an ear if they needed to. So, don't be afraid to vent to them, or just whatever you feel like doing. I do think I should try your advice about my situation, but it isn't gonna be easy, like you said. But, your post made me think of some things in my past, how painful they were, but then I start to think what I have now...people that actually like me for me and love me for that.

Who hasn't been picked on in school? Who hasn't had family problems? I have, and it does suck. I had my dad drink his life away all the time, and he got into some accidents b/c of his alcoholism, and then he goes off and threatens the life outta me. That is something I don't like to look back on, but I do. I want to try to let it go, but I know it is difficult. But, just take it one day at a time, and I will see where it takes me.

Are there any other people who probably had these sort of feelings/pains of anguish b4?

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Wow reading that just made me feel really bad. I almost want to tell the guy to not give up and to make things better. If they both love each other that much, then they SHOULD try as hard as they can to stop making the same mistakes.

I don't know. I haven't had anything like this happen to me, but I know if it did I would feel so devastated and hurt, It would be unexplainable.

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My mom almost died 2 years ago from lung cancer. She had a pretty big tumor on her top left lung. They removed it...the operation went good...and she is fine now. Been cancer free since then. Very scary time in my life. My mom is one of my best friends. We always look out for eachother.She is only 59 years old.

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Wow reading that just made me feel really bad. I almost want to tell the guy to not give up and to make things better. If they both love each other that much, then they SHOULD try as hard as they can to stop making the same mistakes.

I don't know. I haven't had anything like this happen to me, but I know if it did I would feel so devastated and hurt, It would be unexplainable.

Well telling me not to give up won't help much Mitch. I've battled with this damn dilemma for a while now and I don't know what else to. I'm gonna have to think long and hard.

Moving on, I'm glad that you're mom is ok too Claude. There's nothing worse than the possibility of losing your mother. The fact that you and your mom are best friends is really good.

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Na'Vell, first I hope Ryan is ok with you posting this? Ryan, I know how you are feeling. I have felt the way you have twice in my life. The first time was in junior high. I thought I couldnt live without this person. That I was going to crumble. It sure seemed like it. I asked this person(who shall be nameless) to the homecoming football game. The person replied that they would be out of town. Referring to the parents as well. So I was turned down. Boy, I sure was in love....or so I thought. Well that night I went alone to the game and who did I see ...you guessed it...my date with another guy. I felt so bad. They didnt see me but I felt so sick from my stomach. I never felt the same way about our relationship/friendship. We went to the same college but things werent the same. We would say hi and chat but those feelings I had were gone. I havent seen this person since college.

The second to come later. :P

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Yeah I'm ok with it. If I wasn't I wouldn't have made the blog entry public, lol. People suck sometimes Cameron. What that person (who shall remain nameless) did to you was wrong, but I myself have been guilty of that before. This was during one of the times that Michele and I broke up. During that time I was trying to change from being the mean, preppy jock guy, to being a considerate person, but I couldn't explain to the person who asked me out that I didn't want to go out with her. I lied and said I was wasn't going to the party but I did go. I saw her there and explained to her that I didn't mean to lie, I just didn't know how to let her down. Needless to say she was pissed, but she respected me for not being mean and not ignoring her during the party.

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OneLifefan I am happy to hear that everything is ok with your mom.

It must have been a really hard time for you, I couldn't imagine going through that with my parents.

Aww...thank you Mitch and Ryan. Yes it was a very scary time. It was too soon to lose my mom. Thank GOD i didn't lose her that quick. Cancer is very scary and a very tricky disease.

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Ryan's post reminds me quite a bit about one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson:

My life closed twice before its close--

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me

So huge, so hopeless to conceive

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

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It would be my dad's car accident last year. My mother called me at work to tell me my dad was in a bad car accident and it didn't look good. Thankfully, he survived but he lost a leg. Then today we learn the insurance company offered him only $30,000. Glad the lawyers said to not accept.

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When my moms brother overdosed on drugs in 1998 it literally began the downward spiral on my mom's side of the family. Every family has their problems, but my uncles death seemed to magnify the probelms and today my moms 2 sisters are now divorced and their lives are totally different or at least now the family knows about the problems they have had all along when we all thought everythign was going ok. My mom and dad are the only ones stil married(celebrated there 25th anniversary this past July actually), while my moms 2 sisters are divorced and living alone while obviously her only brother and only Robert left to carry on the name is gone.

First my mom was always a drinker but I didnt really know how bad alcohol had control in her life until her brother died, but when she found out her only brother at 26 was found dead she became an all out alcoholic. Although today I am so proud of my mom because she gave up alcohol completely on Dec 1st of 2004 and has been sober for almost a full year now. I love my mom to death and I have forgiven her for her past mistakes due to alcohol, but the damage to me and my immediate family is permanent and cant be taken back.

The day I learned of my uncles death was just so sad! I will never forget it because I was at work about mid way through my shift as my dad comes walking towards me with the saddest look on his face. First he had never came to my work except to pick me because I was 16 at the time. When he told me son I am sorry but your Uncle Tommy was found dead last night I honestly didnt think it was the one who was 26, but the one by marriage to my dad's sister the older [[email protected]#$%^&*] of the family uncle Tommy, so at first it wasnt too much of a big deal. But my dad went on to say no son its your moms brother, I was in complete shock at that moment. That was my first experience dealing with death and to see my mom like that killed me inside. I just didnt know what to say to her, she was just crying and crying and sobbing asking God why did you do this to me?

The one moment at the funeral that will always stand out in my mind is when my Aunt ^&%$(dad's sister) came up to our car as we were leaving the cemetary after he was just buried. The look on her face went from sorrow to just crying to my mom, I am so sorry if there is anything I can do just tell me, please. Before she came to the car no one was crying, it was just complete silence but as my dad's sister approached the car I could just feel this sadness that I coudlnt control and I just lost it when she spoke to my mom. She was just so genuine and my brother, sister, and even dad all started to cry, one of the saddest moments of my entire life happened right then. One moment I will never forget!

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