<p><span style="font-size:19.5pt;"><font face="Verdana">Top ten: Small-screen bitches</font></span>

<span style="font-size:10.5pt;"><b><font face="Verdana">Shoulderpads: check. Husband stealing? You bet. Nothing beats a good bitch</font></b></span>

<span style="font-size:7.5pt;"><b><font face="Tahoma"> Tim Teeman </font></b></span>

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It doesn’t take a massive leap of the imagination to imagine Glenn Close as a superbitch; “bunny-boiler” only came into being as a phrase because of her antics in Fatal Attraction. But Patty Hewes, the lawyer she plays in legal drama Damages, takes the TV bitch to a whole new level. Patty is best when she circles her prey, preparing to strike with that voice that could freeze water. She is shady, untrustworthy. Yet she has vulnerabilities: most intriguingly, her bond with Ellen, the young lawyer who came to work at her firm, and whose life is now enmeshed in hers. Patty and Ellen are two fascinating dualities yoked together, their relationship swirling with love, hate and obsession. This season, there is more than a hint of frailty about Patty. Her hair is wavy. There appears to be movement in her once-frozen features. Most unsettling.

TV bitches — and they most memorably, though not exclusively, reside in soaps — should bust balls. They should steal babies, break up the happy couple, scheme and plot to destroy companies. They should be adept with poison. They should lie. They should wear red and black and sport slashes of lipstick. They should fake vulnerability. They should have plastic surgery and disappear to South America. If you should accidentally graze one of their children’s knees, get the hell outta town.

You might contend that the notion of a TV “bitch” is derogatory: these are strong women making their way in a man’s world. “Bitches” invert all the traditional codes of feminine niceties, and since we stopped getting hung up on the bad getting their just desserts (everyone’s morally compromised in TV drama these days), the bitch is now as complex as the hero. Patty’s been stabbed, one fool even tries to make a pass at her in the first episode of the third season (although he will probably be revealed as a conman or a hitman... or a conman-hitman).

The golden age of the TV bitch is best symbolised by Alexis throwing Blake and Krystle (“your blonde tramp”) out of the Carrington mansion. Our list of other bad girls isn’t complete: (dis)honourable mentions for Tracy Barlow, Dallas’s Katherine Wentworth, Jill Bennett (Knots fans, for you), Patricia/Alison (Sons and Daughters fans, for you), Cindy Beale, Kim Tate, Sally Spode, Clare Cunningham (Hollyoaks) and “Mad” Maya Sharma. Their evil work is done, but the TV bitch seethes on.

1 Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan Dynasty The queen of all TV bitches. Adept at running companies (in ballgowns), causing miscarriages (in beret! with gun!), and cat-fighting with her dreary rival Krystle. Joan Collins’s desk had elephant tusks instead of legs, which tells you all you need to know.

2 Joan “the Freak” Ferguson Prisoner: Cell Block H Maggie Kirkpatrick’s corrupt officer delighted in causing misery. She tried to drive Bea mad (using a psychic called Zara Moonbeam), schemed to dethrone the stately Mrs Davidson and conducted body searches with the perviest black gloves ever.

3 Janine Butcher EastEnders People don’t stay alive for long around the marvellous Janine, played by Charlie Brooks. A toxic mix of screwed-up, needy and vicious, she specialises in particularly vile verbal assaults, recently inducing a heart attack in Pat and mocking Ronnie that both her children had died.

4 Helena Vesey Mother Love Diana Rigg ran amok in Jaeger skirts as a mother intensely bonded to her son (James Wilby). Pets were sacrificed, ex-husbands felled. “You were my life support and now it’s all gone, turned off,” cried Rigg ripping the life support tubes from Wilby. Mad, in an eye-boggling way.

5 Livia I, Claudius The only thing apart from schools programmes you got to watch in class as part of a lesson. Siân Phillips was brilliant as the scheming, empress in the BBC’s addictive 1970s classical soap. Rome was far from safe in her bloody, dissembling hands. Interesting curls, too.

6 Abby Fairgate Cunningham Ewing Sumner Knots Landing Donna Mills’s villainess, with startling eye shadow, stole Gary from Val (in the Dallas spin-off that was better than Dallas), then was complicit in the abduction of Val’s babies, before her massive hair took over California. Like Alexis, but jokier.

7 Tanya Turner Footballers’ Wives Into the realms of the ridiculous. With scraped-back hair and lizard-skin leggings, Tanya (Zoe Lucker) snorted cocaine, tried to bump off the club chairman, swapped babies, blackmailed, illicitly taped gay sex and ended up in Brazil. And appeared in sister show Bad Girls.

8 Wilhelmina Slater Ugly Betty Vanessa Williams’s character loses props after softening in her surrogate baby storyline. But she still abuses Mark, curls her lip at every fashion error of Betty’s and her schemes to secure control of Mode magazine from the dreary Daniel are never anything less than absurd.

9 Sue Sylvester Glee The butch coach (Jane Lynch) of the cheerleading squad stops at nothing to make the young freaks cease their dancing and warbling, which to me makes her a hero rather than villainess. “What if I were to innocently murder you, Will? ... I’d still probably get off for justifiable homicide.”

10 Endora Bewitched Agnes Moorehead played Samantha the witch’s mother in the Sixties sitcom. When it went colour, Endora’s outfits and eye make-up veered towards drag-queeny. She constantly put spells on her earthling son-in-law Darrin, misnaming him Derwen and Derweed.

Damages returns to BBC One, Feb 17</font></span>

<span style="font-size:7.5pt;"><b><font face="Tahoma">http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/tv_and_radio/article7012435.ece</font></b></span></p>

The key to a soap bitch is that within her own universe she has to be taken seriously. Eastenders treats Janine as a bad joke. She was some campy mess at Archie's will reading, in her black hat and tiresome facial expressions. The fight with Pat involved a badly staged slap and made Janine look like she had serious vision problems, as she seemed to have no idea Pat was keeling over in front of her. Characters on the show routinely laugh at her and make a fool of her, and she often is too busy feeling sorry for herself to do any real damage. Eastenders these days is too busy winking at itself to be able to create strong villains.

Charlie's first time as Janine was the real highlight. Back then Janine was much subtler in her scheming and she was also a real force of nature, she could be terrifying. Her feud with Laura Beale, where they both got very, very nasty, was very memorable.

I loved Endora. I just wish she'd made Darren disappear after Dick Sargent took over.

I can't believe Angelique Bouchard isn't on this list.

I love that Siân Phillips got mentioned!

And Endora was... Magnificent. I loved Bewitched only when she was on.

Edited February 6, 201015 yr by Sylph

I love that Siân Phillips got mentioned!

YTTWROOMM. The I, Claudius box set is probably the most expensive dvd set I've bought to date.

Siân comes over here every now and then to do Broadway, I think she's terribly underused for American film and television, though that's perhaps her choice. She was married to Robin Sachs who was the apnned Adam recast in the Dynasty reunion. I think Siân would have been perfect as a Morell cousin who could make Alexis, Caress, Sable (and certainly Frankie) shake in ther boots.

Edited February 6, 201015 yr by SFK

That's our Joanie, number 1.

YTTWROOMM. The I, Claudius box set is probably the most expensive dvd set I've bought to date.

Wasn't it worth it? The role of Livia is a masterpiece masterclass in acting.

Siân comes over here every now and then to do Broadway, I think she's terribly underused for American film and television, though that's perhaps her choice. She was married to Robin Sachs who was the apnned Adam recast in the Dynasty reunion. I think Siân would have been perfect as a Morell cousin who could make Alexis, Caress, Sable (and certainly Frankie) shake in ther boots.

She is simply extraordinary and it is a shame she isn't doing more film and TV in the US. For example, like I said in the Nikita thread, I loved her in the role of Adrian. Too bad terrible writing ruined the potential.

That face and that voice, she's just a very striking, serpentine presence.

Did The Colbys air in the UK? Must have. I'm a little surprised that Stephanie Beacham's Sable didn't get a shout out on this list, or better yet, her eponymous role in Connie. I would love to see a few episodes of that one.

Edited February 6, 201015 yr by SFK

And she exudes sophistication and class. I am interested in this role she's playing on New Zealand's Shortland Street — Vivienne Lindstrom. Hm...

Splendid actress.

I know that many of us have seen this segment from 20/20, but for those who haven't... apropos for this thread.

I really wish whoever edited this hadn't. I've never seen the Susan Lucci portion.

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You have to love her! Susan Lucci / Erica Kane are just laughable compared to Joan / Alexis!

Aw, nice to see my Abby get some love.

Aw, nice to see my Abby get some love.

They should have written out Wilhelmina and Sue and put Kim Tate and Clare Devine in their place.

Edited February 6, 201015 yr by Sylph

I know that many of us have seen this segment from 20/20, but for those who haven't... apropos for this thread.

I really wish whoever edited this hadn't. I've never seen the Susan Lucci portion.

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When John Stossel notes that Joan is a 'good editor' and that she changed her lines at will, it reminds me of a comment Scott Hamner has made in the past that Joan was a very skilled script editor and that she constantly worked over her scripts and watched the dailies to see where she needed to work. As well, veteran ''Dynasty'' director Irving Moore, as well as costumer Nolan Miller, both noted that Joan was so effortless with props, which is why the producers always gave Alexis something to play around with or eat in her scenes.

Joan took Alexis seriously and it showed.