Enter The Chandler Zone

Ever hear a song and it reminds you of something that is going on in your life or makes you re-evaluate how you handled a certain situation. Well, that happened to me today. I'm here listening to Carrie Underwood's new album and came across a song called "Starts With Goodbye". Here are the lyrics below.

I was sitting on my doorstep,

I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,

But I knew I had to do it,

And he wouldn't understand,

So hard to see myself without him,

I felt a piece of my heart break,

But when you're standing at a crossroad,

There's a choice you gotta make.

[Chorus:]

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna bring me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,

Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,

Getting there means leaving things behind,

Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

[Chorus:]

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna bring me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,

The wounds that you feel,

Somehow, right now.

[Chorus:]

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

I guess it's gonna bring me down,

Like falling when you try to fly,

It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved,

To get to the other side,

Starts with goodbye,

The only way you try to find,

Moving on with the rest of your life,

Starts with goodbye,

Na na na na na na na.

That song made me so think about my relationship with my ex girlfriend. Obviously I'm still hung up on her because we've been broken up since February 2004 and I still can't get her out of my system. Why? Because we didn't do a clean break. We still hang out, just yesterday we went to the Audioslave concert at the Borgota. Would normal couples who broke up still hang out casually...especially with the chaotic relationship that she and I had? I don't think so, but I can't help it and neither can she. This song made me think about how I've been hanging on to something that isn't there. I've been wanting to start an advice column but before I can, I need to take my own advice and let go.

I really can't see myself without Michele. I mean we've been around each other since like forever. Yeah we went through our "evil" phase after our breakup but I felt a void in my life without her and now that she's around I feel myself slipping slowly and slowly back into relationship mode with her. That is something I don't want. I can't do. "Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye"....I guess I'm going to have to say goodbye to her. I can't move on and she's constantly around. If this means I have to move back to Manhattan permanately when our (my roomates and mine) house is finished being renovated so be it. I need a clean break, a fresh start, no string attached.

I seriously feel that if I don't get away from her soon I'm going to have a breakdown. I mean, it doesn't bother me that she occasionally dates other people, but it in a way it does. I don't get jealous but I feel pain in my heart. I feel like a part of me is gone because I don't have her, but I have to realize why it is we broke up in the first place. I couldn't trust her. She hurt me. She betrayed me. No matter how much I repeat that I can't let go. I'm 19. For 6 years (off and on) she and I were like in each others soul. Everything we did when were were happy and angry was because of each other. Whenever we broke up and we tried to make each other jealous, it wasn't out of hate or anger it was out of love. When I broke up with her in February 2004, my heart ached for weeks because it was like I killed a part of myself and then the war began. Even after all the things she said and did to ruin my life, I couldn't be without her. I reached out to her to rebuild our friendship in November of 2004 and here we are a year later and I still haven't totally gotten her out of system.

Am I stupid? Am I crazy? No, I'm not. I'm in love, hard. But I can't let go though I need to. I've learned in my psych classes that it's bad to be so emotionally attached to someone but whatelse can you be to someone you have loved and hated since you were a kid? When we got together it wasn't because "I like you, you like me, let's go out" it was stragegy. To make us more popular because cheerleaders should date football players. But I grew to love her. And though she infuriated the hell out of me, I saw myself being with her forever. No matter who it was we dated, we always ended back together because we needed to be chaotic together. Lol, we were voted most likely to be married and divorced 3 times to each other.

I am now standing at a crossroad. Do I go down the road that I've taken for so many years, or do I do the unthinkable and say "Goodbye" to someone who ultimately it wouldn't work out with. I know I keep sending her mixed signals but I'm gonna to say goodbye to be happy. Do I think I'll ever care for someone as much as I care for her? Maybe I will, I'll always love her, but I can't be with her. One thing I know this pain is good for is acting. Thank god I have this pain to draw from when I need to be emotional. Oh my god, I mean I'm actually tearing up writing this. Maybe because this is it. This is the end. Shelle, I know you're gonna read this eventually and when you do I don't want you to get upset. I want you to go back and read how much you have dominated my life since we broke up. Go back and read my other blog entries and find out how many times I've cried over you. How many good relationships I was in since you that have ended because I though I said it, I wasn't able to move on. Know that I am saying goodbye because I do love you and because I need to be happy. You need to be happy. And we won't be able to do that unless one of us makes a clean break, and I'm gonna have to do it.

One day we will look back on our relationship and realize that it made us stronger friends, but I can't do that until I end the story that is "The Ryan & Michelle Conflict". There is no catchy way to end this, no "witty" thing that I can say, just that I feel a major part of me has died and will be reborn after this is over.