All: TV Guide Canada 2008 Fearless Predictions

[NYC123]

http://tvguide.sympatico.msn.ca/2008+Fearl...s_NB.htm?isfa=1

2008 Fearless Predictions

By Nelson Branco

2008-01-01

TVGuide.ca looks into our crystal ball to find out what could happen in the new year

With the writers' strike still percolating, I decided to ignore the official network “2008 previews” and rely on my much more creative and entertaining imagination to predict what lies ahead in the new year. Under the guise of a year-long preview, soaps release plot information that’s really only two weeks ahead, which doesn’t give fans a clue regarding which direction a soap will take (ex. “OLTL’s Rex and Adriana will face a new challenge.” Holy spoilers, Batman!).

Also, when the writers finally return to their respective serials, they will no doubt scrap what the scabs have outlined. So, looking into my sudsy crystal ball, I present to you the on-and-off screen events that will erase 2007 from our minds. Happy New Year!

DAYTIME INDUSTRY: Bomb scare at the Emmys!

* The studios agree to settle with the Writers Guild of America on one condition — Y&R’s head writer Lynn Marie Latham is never to touch a pen, pencil, or keypad ever again.

* ABC honcho Brian Frons’ latest brilliant idea: SoapNet decides to no longer air soap operas — instead it becomes known as SportsNet! The Wizard of Oz is lauded by Soap Opera Weekly (now known as Sports Opera Weekly) as a “trailblazer” by editor Carolyn Hinsey, who now officially writes the entire magazine on her own from her N.Y. hangout, Blondie’s.

* The 35th annual Daytime Emmy Awards is hosted by Desperate Housewives lotharios, and former OLTL stars Nathan Fillion (ex-Joey) and Tuc Watkins (ex-David). Britney Spears and Constantine Maroulis (ex-Constantine, B& perform during the half-time show.

* Y&R’s publicist Elise Bromberg actually returns my emails when LML is fired.

* The new season of Dancing With The Stars features B&B’s Susan Flannery (Stephanie) and Katherine Kelly Lang (Brooke). La Flannery wins.

* Award show pundit, theenvelope.com’s Tom O’Neil and myself are arrested for calling in a bomb scare at the 35th annual Daytime Loser Emmys when Melissa Archer (Natalie, OLTL) wins an award.

ALL MY CHILDREN: Binks’ is straight; Brooke returns!

* Dixie Cooney returns to have ghost sex with Tad in a brave, new ABC storyline. When she becomes pregnant, she’s not sure who the father is because a week earlier she did the nasty with GH’s Nikolas Cassadine.

* Erica learns that her un-abortion has been aborted once again when Josh disappears into thin air. His existence is never mentioned again.

* Angie arrives in town looking for Dr. Cliff Warner; Jesse’s spirit leads her to Y&R’s Genoa City, where she is soon fired for being “too black.”

* Brooke English returns to town with a new lover — played by Bob Guiney!

* Binks comes back to town and shocks everyone when she announces she’s straight, Anne Heche-style. Fans revolt when the soap pairs Binks with a sloshed JR, who reveals coincidentally that he’s a big fan of lesbian porn.

* Desperate for work, Mark Consuelos reprises his role as Mateo.

AS THE WORLD TURNS: Noah and Luke wed!

* After Luke walks down the aisle to marry Noah (in one of Lily’s old wedding dresses — cue the tears), chaos ensues when Col. Mayer returns to catch the bouquet and curses the couple. In an homage to Dynasty’s Moldavia massacre, Col. Mayer, now played by Rupert Everett, sprays the entire chapel with bullets killing Meg, Paul, Craig, Chris, Emily, and Rosanna. Rosie O’Donnell officiates the ceremony as a lesbian minister named Barbara Elizabeth Geddie!

* Lily and guest star Jennifer Love Hewitt launch a calendar: “I’m Still Not Fat, Damn It!” CBS makes a killing.

* Holden realizes he has serious issues with bad girls when he falls in love with Carly, who is now claiming she has the Ebola virus.

* It’s stipulated in a CBS mandate that Brad and Katie have to engage in hot sex every episode, even when Paul Leyden (ex-Simon) returns. In a bold decision, Katie, Brad and Simon decide to have a threesome relationship.

* Hogan Sheffer returns as head writer and all is right with Oakdale.

* Van Hansis (Luke) wins an Emmy as Best Younger Lead Actress.

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL: Kristina Wagner is nuKristen!

* Fed up by Brooke, Nick and Jack Wagner Jr. stealing precious moments together, Taylor falls off the wagon. She reunites with Stephen Logan, when the glorious Patrick Duffy signs a long-term contract. Meanwhile, little Jack is suspended from daycare when he’s caught bedding all his peers.

* Fed up by gravity, creepy Jake Maclaine leaves town.

* Fed up with Ridge, Rick quits Forrester Creations and becomes a stripper.

* Fed up with her own lack of talent, Phoebe leaves town just as her evil, punk sister Steffi shows up looking a lot like Alexandra Chando (ex-Maddie, ATWT).

* Fed up by himself, Ridge moves to Australia to pursue his musical aspirations.

* Fed up with his crazy family, Storm reveals he’s gay — and confesses he’s been having an affair with Clarke Garrison for months. Strangely, this turns on Jackie, who becomes their official beard. That sound we hear? Sally Spectra drops dead in Paris when she hears the news, giving fans the memorial service they deserved after Darlene Conley sadly passed away last year.

* Just fed up by his own brilliance, Brad Bell tops himself by recasting Kristina Wagner (Felicia, GH) as nuKristen Forrester after Tony dies, providing one helluva new love interest for Jack Wagner (Nick).

DAYS OF OUR LIVES: Drake Hogestyn returns — well, duh!

* The show is cancelled by NBC, but is later bought by FOX as a half-hour soap. Deidre Hall (Marlena) is named head writer.

* Drake Hogestyn (ex-John) is back — but as Peter Blake! Fans revolt and blame me. All the Roman Bradys are back in Salem when Wayne Northrop (ex-Roman; ex-Alex) signs on as John Black. Alison Sweeney (Sami) has a breakdown during Father’s Day!

* Days kills off Steve Johnson, Bo Brady, and Stefano DiMera — only to bring them back weeks later, but this time former Shawn Brady, Jason Cook is playing Bo.

* Steve and Kayla have twins and named them, “Wallet,” and “Doorknob.”

* Hope and Bo actually solve a crime — after Hope finally eats something.

* Renée Jones (Lexie) is fired, hired, fired, and hired before officially retiring from the business.

* James Scott (EJ) turns out to be the father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: Frisco is back!

* Another mob family, named The Baritones, moves to Port Charles and is headed by Vanessa Marcil (ex-Brenda), who is now playing Maria.

* Sarah Brown (ex-Carly) rejoins the cast as Frisco Jones.

* Monica dies in another hotel hostage situation during May Sweeps, but stays on the canvas as a ghost, who haunts Edward.

* Laura wakes up for two days during sweeps, but everyone is held up in a hostage crisis to take advantage of the miracle. Laura relapses when she realizes no one can see how much weight she’s lost.

GUIDING LIGHT: Beth Ehlers wins an Emmy.

* Reva reunites with Josh and together they traverse around the nation building homes, painted in red, natch — subsequently boring the hell out of viewers.

* Harley who? When Gus and Olivia become the soap’s hottest couple, Beth Ehlers (Harley) and Crystal Chappell (Olivia) have a kick-ass catfight in a stairwell — the show’s only set. Unfortunately, no one catches the dramatic showdown because GL is now shot on a Fisher Price camera that keeps breaking down.

* Tom Pelphrey returns and Jonathan/Lizzie/Bill become the hottest love triangle on daytime… until head writer David Kreizman screws it all up. Of course. He later wins his second Emmy.

* Ehlers finally earns an Emmy! However, her win sparks controversy when she’s triumphant in the Best Multiple Camera category. What can P&G say? Executive producer Ellen Wheeler loves a multi-tasker, ‘yo!

ONE LIFE TO LIVE: Andrea Evans returns!

* Tina Lord (played by Andrea Evans) pops back into Llanview and seduces her daughter’s boyfriend, Cristian — much to the chagrin of her new hubby, David Vickers! Mayhem ensues when Robert Kelker-Kelly is hired as Cord Roberts, who comes to town married to Alex Olanov!

* Viki decides to get away to clear her head after Tina and David take over Llanfair. She heads to Berlin, Iowa where she takes up a job as a part-time mechanic.

* Nigel and Renee do the nasty.

* Susan Haskell returns as presumed-dead Marty Saybrooke before moving to Pine Valley to treat Zach Slater.

* In another deliciously campy moment, Lindsay is blamed and arrested for killing Days’ John Black. She is sent back to St. Anne’s, but is later released after another mini-breakdown. Lindsay is then arrested for causing global warming.

* Starr turns evil once again when Langston has a shocking affair with Cole.

* Head writer Ron Carlivati is furious when I start dating executive producer Frank Valentini. I dump them both when I realize online soap fans have no sense of humour.

* Natalie dies when an 18-wheeler runs her over — ten thousand times! No one notices she’s gone and she’s never mentioned again.

* When John smiles, hell officially freezes over.

PASSIONS: James E. Reilly’s committed!

* Vincent does a Playboy centerfold and shocks Harmony with his parts.

* Head scribe James E. Reilly is finally committed to an insane asylum when executive producer Lisa Hesser learns that former AMC head writer Megan McTavish and Reilly are the same person.

* In a daytime-satellite first, Galen Gering (Luis) makes headlines when he acts naked for an entire episode. Pretty, fancy… stuff!

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS: Victoria Rowell returns!

* Gloria runs around town screaming, “I am big, it’s the soaps that got smaller.”

* Jack Smith returns as head writer and I finally get a good night’s sleep!

* Victoria Rowell (Dru) returns, along with Shemar Moore (Malcolm) in a short-term stint. She’s later fired for complaining about the cafeteria food.

* Just as Victor and Nikki are about to reconcile, Bobby (welcome back, John Enos!) comes back to town with the happy news that the mob killed Brittany.

* Nick regains his memory before Phyllis and her stud renew their wedding vows in a well-deserved, glam ceremony. Later, CBS releases a porn movie starring the two actors. “It’s their best work ever,” proclaims TV Guide’s Michael Logan.

* Jeanne Cooper (Katherine) freaks when Jerry Douglas (John the Ghost) scores more airtime than her.

* Christian LeBlanc (Michael) goes too far when he literally chews the scenery — killing Tracey E. Bregman (Lauren) in the process.

[dm.]

LMAO!

[Cheap21]

LMAO! These have got to be the best

[CassieFan]

LOL LMAO

[Graciecat]

That was pretty hilarious. Especially the bit about the stairwell now being GL's only set. Hey, it's certainly headed that way.

[YRIsTheBest]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[tanyia2]

Guiding Light Fisher Price camera keeps breaking down

[sheilaforever]

These are outrageously funny - especially because they allow to read some nastiness between the lines.

"* Y&R’s publicist Elise Bromberg actually returns my emails when LML is fired."

LOL!

[dragonflies]

LMFAO those are great :lol: