The Suds Report - November 21 edition

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NEWSIEST QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

“Our lesbians are cuter.”

—ABC Chief Brian Frons during an interview with Broadcast & Cable magazine contrasting All My Children’s Rianca to Grey’s Anatomy’s now-defunct lesbian storyline.

Translation: Especially when you watch them late at night when the wife isn’t home.

“In speaking to our viewers, we have learned that they are on a path of self-discovery and each of our news series taps into that journey.”

—Frons on SOAPnet’s three new non-sudsy series.

Translation: By the time I’m done dismantling this industry, soap fans will need therapists.

"I can only confirm that Ken Corday has chosen to take Marlena off the canvas."

—Deidre Hall’s publicist Chris Estey on DAYS’ most shocking firing yet.

Translation: Step away from the silver spoon, Ken.

“It’s soap opera suicide.”

—Daytimeconfidential.com’s Jamey Giddens in one of the year’s must-hear podcasts regarding the firings of Deidre Hall and Drake Hogestyn.

Translation: Nail. Head.

AWARDS SHOW CENTRAL

More talk; less soap at The Daytime Emmy Awards?

More bad news for awards-show geeks: According to The Hollywood Reporter, The National Academy of Arts and Sciences are still in talks with networks and cablers to find a home for the 2009 Daytime Emmy Awards. In order to appeal to a more mainstream audience, the kudofest will more than likely be soap-lite, and talk-show heavy in an attempt to spike ratings. NATAS rep, Brent Stanton confirms the report, telling TVGuide.ca, “The article pretty much says it all, but I would add that our intention is and has always been to honour all shows, including drama shows and all the many people who work very hard to produce them [and by extension, the loyal fans]. We’re hoping someone will step up to the plate.” This doesn’t look good, kids.

All My Children, A/ABC — Torchin on Rianca!

• The power of lesbian love: Former Soap Opera Weekly editor Mimi Torchin is —gasp— watching All My Children again! “I love Rianca,” she tells The Suds Report. “They’re no Lena and Bianca, of course, but Tamara Braun and Eden Riegel have lots of chemistry. And they’re allowed to kiss! I like the storyline, too.”

• Speaking of those cute lesbians, Eden Riegel is as eager as the rest of us to find out why Binks kept her new lover and baby in the closet for so long. “Is it because she’s uncertain about Reese,” the Emmy winner asks The Suds Report, “or did she want to cement her relationship without her crazy family interfering?” Either way, Riegel notes, “Binks has a lot of explaining to do — especially to her sister. I’m not sure what’s going on with Bianca these days in terms of her choices and behaviour.” Well, at least Reese isn’t ugly or fat like those gays on Grey’s Anatomy.

• Click here for your opportunity to stalk 15 stars including Toronto’s Cameron Mathison (Ryan), who is hosting the fan event. On Jan. 22, the cruise departs from Miami, Fla. with stops in Key West and Cozumel, Mexico for four fun-filled days. If you can’t make it, TVGuide.ca will be blogging live from the sudsy tip with all the scoop from the love boat.

• This is a nice touch: On Dec. 19, AMC will devote an entire episode to the late, great Eileen Herlie and Myrtle Fargate. Friends will gather at Zach’s casino in the Fargate Carnival Room. Myrtle always loved a good freak show.

As The World Turns, Global/CBS — Will Luke puke on Nuke?

• This is what happens when young virile gay men don’t get any action: Luke continues to drink his way through Old Fartdale. After making out with Brian (all together now: ewwwww!), Luke is sloshed when he runs into the annual squash at the Snyder Thanksgiving celebrations. When Luke confesses to Noah that Brian tried to mack on his grandson, Noah refuses to believe his boyfriend.

To turn that frown upside down, check out this hilarious YouTube clip featuring the cast of Will & Grace watching ATWT’s Nuke!

• Agim Kaba (Aaron) —and his sexy hairy chest — has been taken off contract but will continue to recur as one of soap's dumbest males.

The Bold and the Beautiful, CTV/CBS — Davidson returns

• Eileen Davidson returns briefly to the soap that had no clue how to write for a daytime superstar. This week, Ashley gets in touch with Eric. “You should visit Genoa City,” she suggests. “Our town actually makes sense.”

• Want to laugh your ass off? Feast your eyes on this Youtube clip in which Ridge finds someone else in Taylor's coffin. Brilliant.

Days of our Lives, Global/NBC — Jay Kenneth back? Pay-cut alert: Kristian and Peter stay!

• Did DAYS fans dodge a bullet? Team players Peter Reckell (Bo) and Kristian Alfonso (Hope) have reportedly agreed to take massive pay cuts to ensure their future employment. Somewhere Kim Zimmer (Reva) is shaking her head and whispering: “At least they don’t have to freeze their balls off in Peapack.”

In other mismanagement news, top-tier stars are expected to take massive pay cuts, or face the unemployment line, report NBC insiders. Well, except for Alison Sweeney. They should rename her weight-loss show, The Biggest Winner.

• With Deidre Hall (Marlena) and Drake Hogestyn (John) leaving DAYS this January, the soap is facing another major departure soon. Alison Sweeney is expecting her second baby on Jan. 20 and will more than likely begin her maternity leave during the holidays. Will Sami be in town to say “adios” to her mother and stepfather?

Speaking of Hall and Hogestyn, their shocking firing made headlines, from The New York Post, Fox News and PerezHilton.com. Not surprising considering the currency Hall wields in the industry.

Fox’s highly revered journalist and proud soap fan Michael Friedman hit the nail on the head on his website after hearing the news that rocked daytime to its core. He wrote, “[DAYS] is owned by Ken Corday, whose late parents, Ted and Betty Corday, helped invent modern soaps. Alas, Ken is a prime example of the inheriting generation destroying the parents’ creation. DAYS is the only soap left on the network, and Jeff Zucker has said he’d rather get rid of it. Corday is a piece of work. A couple of years ago he tried to fire the entire tenured cast by killing all their characters. Then he had to take that back and say they’d all been kidnapped to a tropical island. Oh well: these were the days of our lives… And Hall? I predict she goes straight to prime time or to Y&R.” Ditto all that.

• According to daytimeconfidential.com, Jay Kenneth Johnson (Philip), who walked off the set during contract negotiations last week, is back on the DAYS set taping. "Jay is back!" screams the source. "It was all just a stupid misunderstanding." A DAYS rep confirms Johnson is “still working,” but refused to comment whether or not he re-signed with the show. Memo to Jay: Run for your life!

• With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, I’ve revised one of my favourite Sweeney Todd songs, “No Place Like London.”

“NO PLACE LIKE SALEM”

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

and the vermin of the world inhabit it

and its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit

and it goes by the name of Salem

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few

Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo

turning beauty to filth and greed...

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit

and it's filled with people who are filled with s***!

And the vermin of the world inhabit it

• Sad news: Wayne Heffley, who played Jack's stepfather and mentor Vern Scofield at The Salem Spectator, died of kidney failure on November 19.

General Hospital, CTV/ABC — Poor Bob Guza: Lipstick Jungle isn’t cancelled!

• That bitch Brooke Shields just had to rain on head writer Bob Guza’s parade. Vanessa Marcil’s prime-time vehicle, Lipstick Jungle has not been cancelled, despite reports. “Nooooooooo,” screamed Guza when he heard the grim news. Memo to Guza: If you want Lipstick cancelled, why don’t you offer to write the show.

• Well, it sure beats acting. Jamey Giddens’ favourite BrendaBot, Kelly Monaco (Sam), will be showcasing her assets on the Las Vegas stage when she stars in Peep Show at the Planet Hollywood Casino and Resort.

• The things an actor has to do to put bourbon on the table. Clearly, being married to a P&G soap star isn’t what it’s cracked out to be. Soap vet Mark Pinter returns to work as Agent Rayner on Dec. 11, opposite MonaVie Juice king Steve Burton (Jason).

Guiding Light, Global/CBS — Lite Returns

• The returns keep coming: Show killer David Andrew Macdonald is back as Prince Edmund. Also, former hair model Michelle Ray Smith (Ava) will return to the show for a visit at Christmas time.

• State-of-emergency alert! Want more proof everyone employed behind-the-scenes at GL should be fired? The oldest TV series sunk to a new rating low: 1.4! In the key 18-49 female demo, it ranked .07. To put that into perspective: more people read this column than watch La Zimmer scratch herself in Peapack, N.J. That sound you hear? Irna Phillips screaming from the grave.

One Life To Live, A/ABC — Evans on CJ; Wilson on Tarty

• So, what does Grey Anatomy’s Chandra Wilson think of the Tarty rapemance? “It’s gross and wrong,” she tells The Suds Report. “The show hasn’t been good since the spring. To be honest, I’ve had trouble watching it, especially with all that Mendorra and 1968 silliness.” Oh, yeah? Well our lesbians are cuter, Chandra, so there.

• Next time we see Andrea Evans (Tina) back on One Life, could CJ be greeting his fabulous mother? Evans tells The Suds Report she loves the idea, adding, “I’d love to explore Tina’s relationship with CJ. I’d love it if he was gay, too! But you never know — OLTL could bring in CJ without me.” Hopefully, a hair model won’t be cast this time around as Tina’s offspring.

• Jessica and Brody? Hmmm… that could be hot.

• One of my spies ran into Nathaniel Marston (ex-Michael/Al) on the streets of New York. “He looks amazing — happy and healthy,” claims the source. If you’re missing Marston, check out the actor’s guest-starring role on Law & Order: SVU on Nov. 25. Welcome back to TV!

• Perhaps she can hypnotize Brian Frons into believing soaps shouldn't be dismantled. Recently, the increasingly talented and multi-faceted Catherine Hickland (Lindsay) hypnotized15 students at the Convocation Center Auditorium at Arkansas State University. Literally! "Write Ron Carlivati and tell him I'm the star of the show. Demand my return and suggest a huge pay raise," she ordered the audience after they got very sleepy.

• Congrats to OLTL: the ABC sudser was the third most-watched soap from Nov. 10-14, gaining more than two hundred thousand viewers proving everyone loves a good rapemance.

Planet Soap, TVTropolis — So Who Wants to Be a Recurring Soap Star?

• It takes more that good looks to be a soap star! For starters? Really big boobs. AMC’s Cameron Mathison (Ryan) reveals what it really takes to make it big in the high-pressure, one-take world of daytime television.

The Young and the Restless, Global/CBS — It’s a Soap Opera Revolution

• Thank you, thank you, thank you Maria Arena Bell. Thank you! This past week’s Y&R was some of the best soap opera I’ve ever watched in two decades. Y&R boss Maria Arena Bell is just showing off now. Poor Brad Bell — he doesn’t stand a chance against his sister-in-law’s stunning soap masterpiece. And he actually has Bell blood running through his veins!

Did you catch the scenes between Traci and former Mean Girl, Lauren? Simply flawless. How many nails did you bite during Katherine’s suspenseful will reading? Did you weep when Victor quietly forgave his children, Victoria and Nick, for their betrayals? Did you love when Nina sized up Cane and showed compassion for Esther? And how about Sharon’s bitchy confrontation with Lauren?

After luxuriating in this enveloping soap all week, I was left with one question: Did I miss a press release heralding William Bell’s return from the grave or something? And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better — next week, Paul and Nikki have sex! Almost 30 years after they exchanged sexual diseases. As one of my friends recently said, “For the first time in forever, I can’t wait to get home from work to watch Y&R.”

• Pay attention, Deidre Hall: Jeanne Cooper (Katherine) inked a new deal with the best soap on the daytime dial. The Emmy winner, who recently celebrated 80 years on God’s green earth, signed a three-year deal. Has anyone had a better year than Cooper? Well, other than Barack Obama.

• Who wants to join me in starting a Tricia-Cast-Needs-To-Return petition? Or are we becoming too spoiled thanks to this magnificent show?

Discuss amongst yourselves....

[Actor87]

Agim off contract? He's a good actor when given the right material; I just hate that everytime he's on the canvas, there's no material for him.