Death, Depression and Religion

[Andre]

I don't know if it was my brain chemistry as a teenager, but that was when I was suffering from the biggest highs and lows. I had thoughts of suicide. Especially learning I was gay, it all seemed to be so frustratingly difficult.

Life is just plain hard work. And if you're suffering from depression, it just amplifies the problems life invariably throws at you.

I'm in a good place now.

Soaps are good, too. They are a form of consistency in life. I know of people who have been suicidal but said that they didn't want to miss a day of their soap. If family/friend connections have run dry, I honestly believe it can be a lifesaver!

[Andre]

My mother's friend killed herself. She attempted twice, and the third time, as they say, was a "charm." She called my mother and said a few last words. She got a few plastic bags in the middle of the night, put them over her head, and passed away. She had tried it before and had claimed it "peaceful," so she did it again. She was a tragic woman, truly heartbreaking life, and (personally) I felt her suicide was a release from her mental illness and inability to cope.

[KLN]

Beautiful! I know watching soaps certainly helped to clear my brain anytime I've been depressed.

[Q Steph]

Why do people act like being moody is such a crime? I get so much grief over it.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

[Cat]

Wow. I just stumbled on this by accident and I know it sounds weird but I feel like I love the people here more than ever now. I echo what BrendaBarrett said about the community and being able to be 100% truthful.

I won't bore you with the Story of My Life, needless to say I felt like I didn't quite "fit," that I hadn't found my place in life after I left college and started work. That sounds abstract but feels very real.

I was also tied up with Pleasing My Family, being the Perfect Daughter, etc. I somehow felt their love for me was conditional on my not disappointing them. I worked at the family business because it was expected of me, but I was deeply unhappy there. I felt trapped. Everytime I tried to talk about how I felt to my parents, it was like they conveniently went deaf. They were, like, "You don't really mean that."

Consequently, I was sleeping damn near 12 hours a night, uninterested in doing anything. I remember one evening having a cigarette on the fire escape (I live on the 5th floor) and thinking how calm and soft the air was. How easy it would be to just... finish all this. I held on to the railing of the fire escape for about two hours.

God, that last sentence was really hard to write. I don't think I've ever even said that out loud.

Um, needless to say, I slapped myself once or twice, told myself to Snap the [!@#$%^&*] Out of It, and worked towards finding something - ANYTHING - that would make me happy. ME happy. It didn't happen overnight by any means and was a looooooooooong series of baby steps and shouting and tears. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do and where my place is at 32 years of age and what the heck happiness is anyway? I know life will probably not end up how I imagine my future to be. But that's ok because there are some beautiful things in life as well as shitty stuff. And I still want to experience those beautiful things.

Religion: lapsed catholic. Lapsed because there are some teachings in the Church that I don't agree with. Catholic because the basic principles Jesus taught -- love, tolerance etc. -- are ones I still look to.

[Actor87]

I know there are depressed people in this world that feel like they have nothing to live for.

I am also a very religious person...Christian, in fact. The way I've always seen it since being a child: They need the Lord. And if they already have the Lord, they need to really pray to him because obviously, there are evil powers that think preying on people's emotional stability will weaken their relationship with God....but it doesn't. Not if they get help and pray to God for help. THEN they have overcome it.

I also believe pills will help, as long as they don't become a daily routine...then you're just counting on pills to keep you sane.

Sorry if I offended anyone wiht my post. It's just how I feel.

[Q Steph]

Cat, you hit the nail right on the head. I feel like an outsider in my own life too. Everyone is trying to shove me into an identity that is not my own. I'm half crazy, half sane, a joker, an intellectual, a liberal, a compassionate woman, a !@#$%^&*] etc...I am all these things. Don't label me. I have dimensions!

I can't wait to be me without fear of rejection. I'm dealing with a lot of complex emotions but people just give me the line to just shove a pill in my mouth and behave.

Actor, I feel the same in terms of pill usage. They keep me sane but I don't deal with my feelings. I run and then I hit the wall when I try and ween off.

[Meredith]

My brother-in-law did it too. You can't blame yourself for someone else's problems.

And you can't mourn a loved one forever, especially if it happens in your twenties and you have your whole life in front of you. Life goes on.

It's his own responsibility to get help. JMO

[SpiritualJunkie]

I totally felt that way in my preteens to about the middle of highschool. Junior high especially sucked 'cause I didn't have very many close friends and that really doesn't help raise self-esteem if you have people looking down on you as well. I remember crying practically everyday...I even begged my parents to let me change schools. However, for the most part, I kept my moodiness/depression to myself so to this day, people still assume that I'm a quiet, shy yet cheerful and laidback person. Highschool was a lot better 'cause I had a more tightknit group of friends and even friends outside of my normal circle who I've now become really good friends with and feel like I can talk about anything with (even moreso than the friends I hung out w/ the most in hs). I'm glad I'm not the only one who isn't exactly comfortable in big group situations...sometimes, I'm just a lot more comfortable alone or with a couple of really close friends than I am w/ a large group of people I don't really know.

That's so true. I started watching soaps in junior high and even when I had thoughts of suicide (just thoughts...I hate idea of pain and dying), I'd find reasons to live through trivial things like soaps..but were they really 'cause TV almost becomes like a family...as sad as that sounds. Late junior high, music gave me another reason to be happy...I came across a music video ("Life" by Our Lady Peace) that really reflected how I felt at the time and it just lifted me up..sounds cheesy, I know. But since then, I became a fan of the band and have looked forward to all their work...and what music has taught me..especially music that involves such thought-provoking lyrics..is that my sadness is pretty selfish compared to what the rest of the world is going through. I know some people hate the "suck it up" argument but it's partly true. Yeah, I can't help but feel sad and alone at times but there are more important things to !@#$%^&*] and whine about. I'm not witnessing a genocide. I'm not dying of hunger. I have a family who loves me and friends who care about me...etc. etc. I realize that not all people suffering from depression have all that but when we fail to realize the things that already or should make us happy and instead focus on the things that we don't have but are waiting for to make us happy...it seems like the simple things (especially this North American culture) have no beauty and our happiness is all about materialistic and superficial things.

I'm Catholic but I don't believe that God sends those who commit suicide to hell. That doesn't mean I believe that people who feel like they lost it all should resort to something so low. It's not cowardly (anything that involves something so drastic and painful no doubt requires a lot of courage) but I believe it's selfish. People w/ depression obviously know what they're doing if they think excessively about the things that make them happy or unhappy and even more so, if they go as far as to think about suicide. Some say that people who are suicidal don't think about the people around them and the consequences...I believe most people have an idea to some extent and if they don't, the fact that they don't consider other people just proves even more how selfish they are.

I can really see it from both views. I've been depressed and have experienced the feeling that no one really cares. I knew a girl in highschool who admitted to me she was depressed and I kinda shrugged it off because I had gone through the same thing and had many of my other friends go through the same thing w/out any deadly consequences...the next year, I heard she had committed suicide. I blamed myself a little and started questioning myself..like wondering if I had tried harder to be better friends w/ her..or taken what she had told me more seriously...I still regret not attending her memorial service..I was already out of highschool when she died and hadn't really bothered to ask my sister or friends who were still in school at the time where the memorial was taking place. In short, I sympathesized w/ the depressed.

When I was still in hs, I had another friend who was always moody and sometimes had anxiety attacks...she was part of my close group of friends but who knows..maybe she really didn't feel that close to anyone. I remember when she didn't come home one day and all my friends were freaking out..they were all really scared for her. The next afternoon, we found out she "couldn't handle it anymore" so she decided not to come home and just wander around downtown. Everyone thought something bad had happened and when they found out she was ok, they all had enough and kinda stopped trying to be friends w/ her. I remember telling her when she called that afternoon that she had problems and she needed help while being understanding at the same time. We continued to hang out and talk 4 months after hs but afterwards..all of a sudden..she just completely ditched out of the friendship. In this case...I couldn't really sympathesize. Depression is an ugly thing and I really feel for anyone who has it but part of what makes it really ugly is its failure to get a person who is affected to realize that there are people out there who do care and continue to try and support (despite the frustrations and hard work it involves) the depressed person. Depression really has a "me, me, me" attitude...I apologize if I offend anyone but even when I was depressed..I got so sick of feeling sorry for myself and needless to say, I'm sick of people who continue to wallow and feel sorry for themselves.

This post is getting extremely long and I don't really know where I'm going w/ this...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand depression..I've been there..but at the same time, while I believe depression deals partly w/ brain hormones and environment, I also believe it has a lot to do w/ how a person chooses to look at their life.

[titan1978]

I have battled depression on and off for most of my teens/early adulthood. I used to be self destructive, but I kind of dug myself out of those habits when I was about 20 (2 people I was spending most of my time with were escalating in their problems too, they were both in jail about 2 months after I stopped hanging with them).

Sometimes I feel like i have to hide my dark side from everyone, because when I was younger my friends at the time were not supportive of me being blue or moody at times. Things are different now, but those feelings of depression and anxiety do still surface on occasion.

I attempted suicide once when I was in high school, it was a half hearted attempt at best, but it helped me to see that I did not want to die.

When I was 18, one of my best friends did commit suicide though. We had stopped him for years, all of his friends, from doing it. He was a hunter, and had easy access to firearms. We would lock his gun cabinet and take the key from him, spend the night, watch him for days until he was better. We told his parents what we were doing, they never seemed to take us seriously. I don't blame him, or his family. He was in deep pain, and he made the choice to end his life. How can I hate someone I loved for wanting to end the kind of pain he had battled for years? My choice is not to blame or to hate, but to feel empathy and love for everyone involved. I know more now anyway, I think he was manic/bipolar, and if I was in the same situation now, I have better skills of coping and helping than I did then.

I am not religious, so I have no feelings about moral right or wrong on this matter. Understanding and compassion seem to do more good than judgement IMO.

[BrendaBarrett]

You know what makes me happy here? I don't feel judged by what my beliefs are. I do not judge anyone's beliefs because they are yours and yours alone. What a mature group of individuals are here. Like Actor87 said, I too hope I haven't offended anyone.

Thank you everyone.