Death, Depression and Religion

[Q Steph]

Benjamin Hendrickson's death got me to thinking.

Regardless of what Tom Cruise says, depression is very real. It can just squeeze the life ot of you until all the hope starts to ebb out of your soul. I know, I've thought about suicide. Moreso, what it would be like to be at peace without srrending to the melachony all the time. I drain myself trying to fight the onslaught of bad feelings.

I'm a religious person and I know that I could never actually kill myself but some people don't have the courage or strength to hang on. They don't have a support system or a spiritual or religious reason for being.

Do you think it's fair to call those who commit suicide cowards and selfish? A lot of people are suffering but they find the sliver of salvation; there are those in hospitals fighting for their next breath.

So, do you guys thinks suicide is an easy way out or the only way to have some peace of mind?

I pray for Ben's soul. He must have been in hell to take his own life, but at the same time, I wonder if he's really at peace becase of what I've been raised to believe and accept as my own tenets.

I don't want to judge him or demonize him as others have done elsewhere. I just wanted some feedback since I know a lot of us carry similar burdens.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

As a person that at one point wishing to die, I can say that I thought about ending my life to just give me some peace....In my opinion, I don't think it's cowardly, I think at some point, someone just loses all hope and just wants what they are going through to end.

While I truly believe in God, I will be honest in saying that while I do go to counseling, I don't have much of a support system when it comes to friends and family. Instead of being supportive of me, they words and actions at times sinks me lower.

I've been fighting this battle for four years now, hoping to one day have something to truly be happy about.

QSteph, thank you for posting this.

[Matt]

Been there. Done that. Drug OD roughly 16 years ago based on depression (intensified with the struggle of coming out). Spent 3 days in a psych ward (strange places, those psych wards. I was the sanest person there). I rebounded nicely and am pretty sane now adays, but I still deal with it from time to time (along with occaisional panic attacks). The thing about severe depression is that it clouds one's mind and distorts a person's thoughts until, sometimes, ending it all *does* seem like the only logical course of action for relief. In many ways, it's like a really bad sunburn that's starting to heal -- the itching can be so unbearable that you almost feel like ripping off your own skin to stop it.

[Q Steph]

I was going to pM you solely Sweet for your thoughts but then I thought I'd open it up to others as well.

I feel for his family. Even though my religious convictions deviate from my outpouring of sympathy for his death. I hope they don't come online to read what a horrible person he was to do this.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

At times, I wonder when people learn that I'm dealing with depression, if automatically the flags go up and they wonder if they should take a chance to get to know me.

[Ms. Walsh]

My dad's family has a history of mental illness. Two of my cousins committed suicide: one of them was 18 and the other was 26. Both of my parents suffer from depression, as do I. But I also suffer from anxiety, as a result of my grandmother dying, and it's caused me to become a hypochondriac, so I'm actually afraid of dying. I can't even take 2 Advil w/o freaking out about ODing.

But there were times where the only thing in my life that I looked foward to was sleeping, whenever I was awake, all I wanted to do was sleep. And in the morning, I'd lay there in bed and wished that I could sleep forever. I guess that's the closest I've gotten to being suicidal.

When somebody commits suicide, I don't look at it as a form of weakness or selfishness. Depression is an illness...I look at it as the same thing as having a physical disease. When you're that depressed, you don't think about your loved ones and how their going to have to live on w/o you. I'm not a religious person. I just feel like I have a lot more to live for, that my purpose in the world hasn't been realized yet.

[Sweet_VeeVee24]

I agree...when I first started going to my therapist, she told me to write down things that were worth living for. At the time, I only had two; my grandmother and my uncle. At that time she asked me to explain why I felt they worth living for....I told her that I was the only one that could take care of them and they depend on me. When the session was over, she told me to keep adding on to my list.

A few years back, I had actually thought of not being on this Earth to live....now, however, I don't want to give up.

[Scotty]

I know what you mean. You wonder if they are thinking either...

1) I don't want to get to know them because they're odd.

2) I will get to know them because I feel sorry for them.

3) That person is crazy and who knows what they might do.

There are soo many times when I would just rather be alone sitting in a nice quiet place than around other people. Soo many times I feel out of place when I am around very many people and I feel very uncomfortable.

ITA...I don't think it's a cowardly thing to do. All you want to do is just for the pain (whether physical, emotional, etc.) you are in to be over. You just don't want to feel bad anymore. And, true, you don't think about your family and friends at a time like that, all you can think of is how to get the hurting to stop.

I don't have many close friends or family members I can talk to about my depression. My parents are totally clueless about it. They can't understand why I can't just "snap out of it" (which is an expression I loathe to hear). And it doesn't help being an only child.

And while thoughts of suicide have occassionally passed through my mind over the years, I have never actually tried to kill myself.

However, I have been known to cut myself before. I would do it on my upper arms (between the shoulders and elbows). The last time I left a big gash on my arm was after a really bad argument I had with my fiance at the time about a day and a half before we were to get married in 2004. Long story short, we never got married, broke up (but got back together briefly a time or two before breaking up for good last August), and I got around 20 stitches in my right arm (I'm left-handed). She also moved out of our apartment and I couldn't stay there by myself, so I moved home with mom and dad. And it was bad too because we also worked together. I couldn't handle that, and quit that job within a few months after that big fight.

She couldn't understand about depression either, although she did try. But she was the love of my life and I regret everyday what happened. We would have been married 2 years this past Monday (July 3th), but alas we never got to walk down the altar. Since that big fight and breakup I have become somewhat more religious, even joining a local church and getting baptized. That has helped somewhat.

The cutting is a way to releave some of the pain. I can't remember ever experiencing physical pain from it, but it does make me feel better for awhile, especially if the cut is deep enough to bleed. And I no longer wear tank tops like I used to when I was younger. All the shirts I wear now reach at least to my elbows.

It's not often I tell people all this stuff because they look at me like I'm crazy. I have suffered from depression for years and have gotten pretty good at keeping it to myself. But it really helps to talk about to people who have been down the same road that I have and know how it feels.

[BrendaBarrett]

I am still new here and I am amazed at the community you all have formed here. I actually feel that I can say something and not be judged. You all are wonderful.

I am an Irish Roman Catholic, quite lapsed by still believe in the tenets of my religion. I also believe that there are many things wrong with my religion. I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus. I believe that Jesus is a forgiving God who forgives all sins.

Count me as one of the many who suffer from depression and are on medication for it. I will be for the rest of my life because I am also epileptic and it is part of the cocktail of drugs I take. I know what it's like to suffer from that black hole that seems so empty that there is no way to getout, except the final way.

If you are desperate and alone and feel that you have reached out and it just isn't worth it anymore, will Jesus turn his/her back on you? No. Jesus loves everyone of us regardless. It doesn't matter what gender, color, religion, sexual orientation you are, Jesus loves ALL OF US. Some say suicide is a sin. I don't believe that. I don't believe it is a cowardly thing to do. We don't know what brought an individual to the point where they made that choice.

So to answer the question, do I think Benjamin Hendrickson is at peace? I think he is with Jesus and is at peace. I do not think he is a coward. Maybe it was BH time and that was the way it was suppossed to be.

I hope that came out all right. I know no one here kinows me, but if anyone ever needs to talk, if they are in that hole, contact me and I will gladly listen. Even just a sympathetic ear helps.

[Q Steph]

Unfortunately, some people treat me as fragile.

My one "friend" whom I'm not talking to unless I need help with my I-POD said I was weak, sheepish and prone to gits of sadness. I was pissed!

I may be initially withdrawn at first and reserved but if you take the time to really know me, you will realize that I'm stronger than my hurts. At least I try to.

I'm like you, Scotty. I like to be alone but people think that's such an oddity. I feel out of place too.

Welcome to these parts, BrendaBarrett.

[Jecca]

I'm feeling everyone's pain. My husband of 32 years passed away in my arms this past Easter Sunday after a short illness. My own pain is immense and I have thoughts every day of joining him because I miss him so badly. I feel that he has found peace but I haven't found any. I stop short of actually doing anything to myself. But it's so difficult,I don't know what is holding me up. My thoughts and prayers for everyone suffering with a loss or depression.

Side note to Q Steph, if everyone is treating you like you are fragile, which is how people have been treating me because I'm newly widowed, then you're going to feel fragile. Don't let others dictate how you feel about yourself.

[KLN]

I've been there before.

Anyone who is suicidal doesn't WANT to die. Nobody WANTS to die. It's simply that the pain they're going through -- whatever it is -- begins to outweigh their coping mechanisms. Everyone has a breaking point.

I've been suicidal before, and I tell you what... it's the most horrible feeling in the world. When you're so depressed and so emotionally/mentally drained that you can't even muster the strength to lift your arms and wash your hair in the morning. God. I don't ever want to re-live those days.

[Jinxed Soul]

That is very true. It just appears to be the best alternative at the time when everything is falling apart.

[Rebecca]

I pass no judgements on people who have done it, have attempted to, or think about it. For those that have gone through with it, IA - they must have been suffering from some serious mental anguish, and I really don't believe (or hope not, at the least) they'll be punished after death. (I come from a half Christian, half Muslim house. I don't know whether I'm both or neither!)

[DaysFanJean]

I think each person is the captain of their soul and it is not my place to judge. I was married to a man who committed suicide. He was severely depressed and was drinking which was the worse thing he could do. I told him he would have to leave and get treatment, so he moved out. He went about every day rather well, even getting acclaims in the newspaper, but he had to be terribly torn up inside. He started an affair with another woman, his teen daughter got pregnant out of wedlock, and I was always there if he wanted to talk and waiting for him to get a grip. One night I had the most grusome, black dreadful feeling. I thought it was concerning him so I called and asked him to come over and we'd make some fried pies (he loved that), but he said no, but would I come over. I said no...it was a rule, I'd not go here. I went to bed that night praying for God to take care of him. The next day at work the police called to tell me he had committed suicide. I felt as though I had been belted in my middle and all the air went out of me. It was the most terrible, awful feeling I ever experienced. He left a note to me saying, "Jean, I'm committing suicide. I dont' know what else to do." He had come over the Sunday before and asked me, "If I do something will you stand by me?" I told him of course, as long as it's legal. I stood by him through it all, the funeral, the burial and the estate. Thankfully, his sister and brother stood with me and helped. I wanted to blame myself, but friends told me, if I had gone over that night, he probably would have taken me with him. It's a very sad thing for his children especially, but I knew him and sort of could think as he was thinking and know he really didn't know what else to do. He was not happy and could not see a way to get through it. My heart still aches as I was not able to help him.