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BIRTHERS: Show canceled!!! Hard-core fans remain in denial about their show's fate.

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April 26, 2011

WASHINGTON, DC-- The President of the United States, Barack Obama, today announced that the long-running American Soap Opera, "Birthers", was being canceled, effective immediately. Although "Birthers" has developed a large cult following, and surprisingly decent ratings, the U.S. Network decided that it reflected badly on the company/country as a whole. It was routinely panned by the critics, shunned at the Emmy awards, and many of its writers and producers have long been suspected of being emotionally unstable. Ultimately, many felt it was time to pull the plug, before the show started to negatively affect the other programs in the line-up.

Die hard fans refused to accept the end of their cherished show. They pledged to keep writing in about their show, and to attempt to find a new home, perhaps on the internet. They also spoke of a possible schism in the thinking of the Network brass, indicating that they believe the Fox News Division would continue to carry the program. Many fans also vowed to do their part to resurrect the dead show, by immediately developing new conspiracy theories as to why the new birth certificate was also not valid.

Some of the writers tried to put the best spin possible on the events. Head Writer Donald Trump claimed credit for all the show had accomplished. Mr. Trump proudly trumpeted the legacy that "Birthers" was leaving behind, namely the president arranging for the release of the long-form version of his original birth document. Critics of "Birthers" had long tried to point out that the short-form "Certification of Live Birth" is the official document used by the state of Hawaii to prove citizenship. In fact, any other document than the one President Obama has shown for years--including the one put out today--is unacceptable for official usage.

Many network executives felt no reason to spare words in describing how stupid they considered the show's fan base to be. One executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was blunt: "These are the stupidest people alive. I'm so ashamed to have that crappy soap opera on my network. I won't mince words like we usually do when a soap is canceled. The fans of this show are total morons and I don't want them watching my network anymore. They're too stupid to breathe!"

The writers of the canceled soap seemed to be heading in different directions. While some continued to desperately cling to hope that the show could be saved, others were already working on their next project: a spin-off. Speaking to reporters today, Head Writer Donald Trump spoke of a new show, focused on the president's grades in college, and whether they warranted his admission to Harvard Law School. According to Trump: "People want to watch a show that addresses serious issues in our society, like anti-white discrimination. They want to know more about Barack Obama's skin color and how he used it to screw people over. The show I'm crafting--tentatively called "Transcripters"--will focus on these matters. It will be geared towards getting the president to release his college transcripts. But it will also focus on educating people, kind of like OLTL did decades ago with their famous story about Vicky's uterine cancer scare. Too many people labor under the misperception that graduating Magna Cum Laude means that you are a good student. We seek to remedy that, along with the equally pernicious belief that becoming the editor of Harvard Law Review is some how a major accomplishment to be proud of."

"Birthers" is the latest in a long line of conspiracy-based soaps to be canceled, along with "Swift Boat Veterans" and "Who killed Vince Foster?"


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