*HUMOUR: Inspired by SNL and Chelsea Lately

IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS — With CBS’ Barbara Bloom, ABC’s Brian Frons and Days’ Ken Corday

In a secret location known only to the daytime elite, a scandalous conversation takes place regarding their not-so classified agendas! TVGuide.ca went undercover and bugged their romantic cabin meeting spot. Here are the uncensored transcripts:

Brian Frons: Hey, Babs! Still trying to make me pay for firing you from Port Charles?

Babs Bloom: Listen, Fronzie — at least my shows don’t feature rapemances, anti-climatic lesbian weddings and freakin’ tornadoes.

BF: Not yet, you copycat! [bursts into laughter] Not sure how you can defend Talk Soup favourite, The Bold and the Beautiful. Seriously, would it kill you to pay for acting classes for Ronn Moss? But, how are you — you big, stupid b----? I’ve missed you. [sarcastically] We need to have more face-to-face … well, without the face time. [Laughs] I like it when my wife worries I’m having an affair! Naturally, she hates Kelly Monaco and Rebecca Budig!

BB: [Laughs] Oh, Brian, dear … You’re as charming as ever. But I still have the number-one show on daytime — and the best head-writer in the business. By the way, thanks for royally screwing over Ron Carlivati … [they both look at each other and burst out into evil giggles]. [starts pouring drinks] Spiked Monavie Juice anyone?

BF: Are you kidding? If I didn’t drink the Jesus Juice each morning, Steve Burton would fire me!

BB: Where the hell is that silver spoon baby, Mr. Trust Fund, Ken Corday anyway?

BF: Late as usual. Ken had to finish his latest golf game with Josh Taylor.

Ken Corday: [bursts in with Molly Burnett] Hey dudes! Like, I totally love meeting secretly in this totally rad cabin. Sorry, I’m late, men. We landed hours ago, but my palace in the sky is so like totally fierce that I couldn’t bear to leave it. Also, I wasn’t finished teaching Molly how to read.

BF: Did you buy your new jet with the money you saved firing Drake and Dee? By the way, thanks for the idea — boy, was Susan Lucci ever shocked when we made her pay us to act!

KC: Getting rid of those old fogies was the smartest thing I ever did! Now I’m flying Tom Cruise style.

BB: Smart. [shrugs] I had to take public transport to get here.

Ken Corday: [Turns to Molly] Where are my manners? I'd like to introduce you to the actress who saved Days, everyone meet the divine Molly Burnett — future Emmy winner.

Babs and Ken: [both look at each other and burst into hysterical laughter]

BB: Oh, Ken Doll! It didn’t work with Kristen Renton — and it’s not going to work with this hair model. At Y&R, the number-one show on daytime and Sony’s saving grace, we fired Erin Sanders when we realized she couldn’t act. We, at CBS, the number-one network, listen to our fans. [bursts into evil giggles]

KC: Darling, we all know you have no power or jurisdiction over Y&R [Laughs]. Heck, these days, Lynn Marie Latham has more influence over there than you ever will.

BF: He’s got you there, Babsies! Hey, did you wash your hair this week? Looks good.

BB: Listen, assholes — we’re here to discuss how we’re going to destroy our shows in ‘09. Let’s do something different this year! I’m getting bored of dismantling history and firing the vets. Let’s start shooting the fans instead! Having said that, killing off key vets like James E. Reilly was a totally smart move on our parts.

KC: Don’t pin that idea on me, bitch. I have an alibi: I was busy trying for a hole in one! One day, I will do it.

BB: Is that what they’re calling it these days?

BF: We didn’t touch Eileen Herlie, I swear to god! Her death was totally coincidental, honest.

BB: Who? Was she on Port Charles — the show I head wrote and was unfairly fired from? Airing ATWT and GL three minutes each day is going help us move on to prime time and film. I can just tell, guys! No one will make fun of us ever again for working in soaps. My time is coming, I can just feel it.

BF: Who needs prime time when you have the greatest show on the planet, The View? We’re thinking of casting Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the new Greenlee on AMC! What do you think?

BB: Oh, yeah — that’ll go over well. Was she on Port Charles once?

BF: No, that was that heffer, Starr Jones.

BB: Oh, right. I guess I blocked that out when you bastards fired me! But who’s laughing all the way to the bank now, fools? Hey, Fronzie — you never thanked me for my Andrea Evans’ comeback story. She’ll never be back on OLTL. [both burst into laughter]

KC: Anything to piss Nelson Branco off. Now, listen — are you paying SOD to run Eric Braeden on your cover all the time? Jesus…

BB: Of course, you idiot! By the way, nice move on leaking the Hall and Hogestyn firings to Digest “exclusively.” Anything to piss off those annoying bloggers.

BF: Luckily, Digest and Weekly run my shows on their covers without me having to pay them. ABC rocks, ‘yo!

Ken and Babs: [Roll their eyes] NOT FOR LONG!

BF: [Evil laugh] My plan to dismantle SoapNet is almost a reality. Being Erica is my new crown jewel. We paid five dollars for the series. Love those Canadians — well, except for you-know-who.

KC: I wish Dena’s atrocious writing would scare away more fans. I’m so sick of this work thing. It interferes with my facials, and I don’t mean the ones you get at a spa!

BB: Tell me about it. Those damn Nuke fans are keeping ATWT alive. Damn those gays! Ronald Regan really should have gotten rid of them when he had the chance. Especially that ringleader Roger Newcomb …

BF: Do you need me to take care of him?

KC: No, Lynn Leahey is taking care of that pest.

To be continued…

http://tvguide.sympatico.msn.ca/The+Suds+R...n_NB.htm?isfa=1

(the above link contains spoilers)

That imaginary interview was hilarious!!!

I'm still waiting for the punchline.