HEAD WRITER: Juniorz1
GUEST WRITER: Tishy
****Be sure to click on everything that's underlined throughout today's special episode.
(EXT: The Capwell Mansion)
----The camera settles on Kelly tossing & turning on the living room couch, mumbling something about Cruz. She tosses and turns as the camera closes in on her face and enters her mind.
"CRU-UZZZZZZZZ, don't DO THIS TO ME PLEASE" shrieks KELLY
"I'm sorry Kell. Someday you'll understand. She's my daughter I've got to protect her. You need to let me go."
"CRU-UZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! PLEASE!!! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!"
"I'm sorry Kell, I can't. Even though I'm telling you this has everything to do with BJ, the truth is Eden is alive and I'm going to find her. I'm sorry that I made up this whole story of having a daughter, and an ex from high school who doesn't even know Santana. Truth is I'm going to find Eden, and you were nothing more than a poor substitute. Anyway, just tell em the cockamamie story about me killing Frank Goodman. Yeah, I've only known the guy 5 minutes and everyone knows I don't just go around killing people, but so what? I'm sure someone will buy it....."
Cruz stops to look at a destroyed Kelly. Kelly leans in, thinking he's going to give her one last kiss. She is stunned when instead, he takes the last puff of his cigarette and puts it out with his shoe, all the while staring at her. Cruz turns around and boards the plane.
"CRUZ NOOOOOOO!!!! WHY CRUZ? WHYYYYYYYYYY!??!?" Kelly says, doing her best Nancy Kerrigan impression. "WHYYYYYYYYY!!??!??"
Kelly collapses on the airport runway.
RealKelly (CG) is shown approaching the scene, looking at ED's Kelly sobbing and broken.
"What is this? What the hell is THIS? Why is Cruz calling her Kelly? What's going on? Could someone please explain?"
"I can" a familiar voice says in the background.
"Who is that?"
"Kelly Capwell, WELCOME to the latest of edition of What Could Have Been Your Life. I'm the host of What Could Have Been Your Life, KEITH TIMMONS!!!!! (surprise!!!)"
"Keith, what are you doing here? And why do you look like that?"
"I could ask you the same question, considering the scene we just saw. Doesn't even look like you!"
"That's because it wasn't me!"
"Hey, that's how I felt when I saw myself kissing Elizabeth Wayne last week, but it was most definitely me."
"But that makes sense at least. This" She point's to ED's Kelly, collapsed on the runway "THIS makes no sense!!!"
"Let's face it Kel, you haven't always been the brightest bulb or made the wisest decisions, so this would be just as fitting."
"I'd never go after Cruz. He's the love of my sister's life for crying out loud!"
"Well, looking like that, I see why he left ya on that runway, that's for sure. Seriously, Kell, how long had it been since you had a shampoo? " He scrutinizes ED's Kelly ".....or your roots done! Or your eyebrows plucked! Good lord, are those clothes made out of polyester? I don't see what Zorro saw in you in the first place. But if you think that's strange, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Keith snaps his fingers and he and Kelly re-appear in the Capwell kitchen, where her father is sitting reading his paper.
"Daddy never eats in the kitchen- he always has his breakfast at the dining room table. Now I KNOW something's off....."
Kelly stops dead in her tracks when she sees SANTANA dressed in an extremely ethnic looking dress, black and cut off the shoulders, full of white, black, and red ruffles, complete with a white flower in her hair. She wears a bright red boa to cap it off.
"LA COOKA RATCHA, LA COOKA RATCHA" she sings as she whips her boa around, eventually sitting on CC's lap, wrapping the red boa around his neck as she plants a kiss on him.
"Who is that?" Kelly asks
"THAT, believe it or not, is Santana Andrade. She's a knockout, no?"
"Santana has never looked like THAT and would never parade around my father, singing in that ridiculous get-up"
"Hey, it's your dream. Makes me wonder about how you see yourself Kell. I mean, when you think about, you dreamt yourself up as a dog, yet you've made Santana one hot senorita. Compared to her.....well, in this dream there is no comparison...."
They look back up as CC & Santana come apart from their kiss.
"Santana, I'm so glad you've come back. Even though you were once married to my son-in-law, had an affair with what I thought was my son, and bore my "grandson" Brandon, there's just something about you I cannot resist."
"Ahh, CC, gracias. I love you very much. If Sophia can have her boy-toy, you can have your mamisita, am I right or what?"
"Right you are. That's why I'm giving you this ring.....Will you marry me?"
"Well, since I am pregnant with your child and all...of course I will!"
"PREGNANT? With daddy's baby?"
Kelly turns and sees Rosa entering the room. Rosa congratulates Santana on finally trapping CC into marriage. Santana begins to argue with her mother and is stunned when Rosa takes a puff of a cigarette, and puts it out on the floor of the Capwell kitchen with her foot.
"Rosa approves of this? And mama...with a boy-toy? She CAN'T be talking about TJ Daniels......"
"No, not TJ"
"Well then who?"
Keith snaps his fingers and they end up in Ken Mathis's apartment. Kelly is stunned when she sees THIS SITE!!!!
"Where are my pills Ken? Where are my pills? I NEED the pills!"
"Now wait just a minute, haven't you already taken 5 today?"
"That's beside the point- I'm comin down and if you let that happen.....well, I won't be held accountable for what's gonna happen...."
"Alright, alright. Sit tight my dear, there you go."
Sophia takes the pill and drinks down her glass of water.
"Thank you, thank you so much. And, to show my appreciation....."
Sophia rips off Ken's shirt and he flexes. He picks her up, wrapping her legs around him, and takes her to bed.
"This is sick, Keith, even for you......"
"Hey, it's your dream. If anyone's sick, it's you...."
They turn and see Ken and Sophia basking in the aftermath.
"That was quite a workout."
"Anything to keep my youth. You know how vein and superficial I am."
"Yes and I appeal to both of those qualities, don't I?"
"That you do!" Sophia goes to kiss him, then turns and looks at Kelly and Keith. She reaches to the nightstand and picks up a lit cigarette, takes a puff and stands up, putting it out on the floor.
"Mama's not vein- she's the most down-to-earth woman I know. And WHY is everybody SMOKING?"
Keith snaps his fingers, and they are taken to a High School Reunion.
"Cruz's 20th High School reunion."
Keith points to Cruz, who's standing with REESE and JODIE Walker. Kelly once again sees her 'ugly self' there with Cruz. She then watches as Jodie pulls Cruz aside and shows him photos of BJ. Cruz remarks that she doesn't look anything like Reese.
"That's because she isn't Reese's daughter- she's yours Cruz. She's your flesh & blood."
RealKelly looks at Keith. "Is this for real?"
"Looks that way, no?"
"But if this is Cruz's High School Reunion, then where the heck is Santana? Weren't they high-school sweethearts?"
"I thought so too..."
They hear an awful noise and look back on at the scene as Jodie wails.
"Reese can never know Cruz. But I loved you back then- you were my ideal man. I would've given up everything to be with you but I didn't. I settled for Reese, the hunky football player. I kept thinking that he was going to start beating me some day, but that never came to pass I guess. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you have a daughter......sort of . She's kind of pretending she's a boy right now.... Don't Ask....."
"Who IS this woman?" Kelly asks. "She can't be real. Noone could possibly be that dull. And are ALL of those tears really necessary?"
"She thought so. Hey, listen, that woman, Jodie Walker, she's a real big deal. She's driven her car off a broken bridge, she's been Amish, she's been cloned, she's the first known woman who received the miracle cure for Breast Cancer. You may not think she's all that, but somebody up there (Keith points up and the camera pans to the producers' booth) obviously liked her."
"I think I've had about enough...."
"But wait....we haven't gotten to the best part.....the grand finale of all of this....."
Keith snaps his fingers and they are taken to a beautiful wedding scene, where couples are dancing, including CC & Sophia.
"Now THIS makes sense....."
The camera pans up to the GROOM and.......................
"Who are those guys? My parents attended a gay wedding?"
Warren (Jack Wagner) stops everyone and begins a speech. He thanks BJ Walker for bringing his homosexuality to light, having posed as a boy when she came to town. Though he originally intended to marry her, he states that he realized that he was just re-directing his true feelings for Sawyer onto her. He asks rhetorically what it is her initials stand for?
"BLOW JOB!!!" Keith shouts out.
Kelly laughs. "Every now & then, you are good for a chuckle Keith..."
Warren takes Sawyer in his arms and kisses him. He then reaches toward the table, takes a puff of his cigarette, and puts it out with his shoe.
"I know, I couldn't believe it myself. But if that's not weird enough......look at Gina....."
Gina dances with Lionel. She has a laugh at Augusta's expense, saying what a fool she was to get committed to an insane asylum leaving Lionel to be a bachelor once more. Lionel smiles and claims he always knew Augusta was eccentric. Gina says that's obviously just rich talk for crazy. She kisses Lionel and is stunned by what she sees when she opens her eyes.
"You listen to me Gina Blake and you listen good. In fact, ALL of you are going to LISTEN to ME!!!!" Augusta says, wielding a double barreled shotgun. "I was hitting on my sister's rapist- you don't think that's CRAZY?!? YOU've all wronged me, each and every one of you. Warren- how could you? First, you date a 19 year old victim of child molestation!?!? Anybody else see something WRONG with that picture? If that's not enough, you end up marrying her brother? That's not the son I raised. And you, Sophia, hooked on pills? Sleeping with men 1/2 your age? Actually......sounds about right to me. And Santana- Good God woman, we get it, YOU'RE A PROUD MEXICAN WOMAN. You think you could tone it down a little? And Mason and Julia......where is my sister and her husband?"
Jodie points to the walls and Augusta is stunned that the wallpaper has THIS DESIGN!!!!
"Wow, Mason looks fantastic. I've never cared much for him but he looks like something right out of 'Dynasty'! Anyway....to continue.....and Kelly.........sleeping with your brother-in-law? That's just sick. And why do you look so OLD? I guess after 3 marriages, it should show a little on the face, but this is ridiculous! Seriously- Get a facial because that has to be the oiliest skin I've ever seen. Oh and the Walkers.....Jodie, Reese, BlowJob, SOY-YOURatotalbore.......I mean, really, how anyone could possibly find you people more interesting than the colorful Lockridge clan is beyond me. But, someone did and because of that, I take great pleasure in what I'm about to do......"
Augusta aims her gun and blows them away, one by one. She then points her gun at Santana, blowing her away, followed by Ken Mathis, Dr. Skylar Gates, Connor McCabe, Aurora DiAngelis, Micah DiAngelis, and "Andie". After the smoke settles, Augusta is seen taking a puff of her cigarette, then throwing it to the ground and putting it out with her shoe.
"Oh, and don't think I've forgotten about you Kelly. Or your eyebrows. I've saved the best for last. This is for MARLENA, a good friend of Cruz & Eden's. This is for Nancy and Wendy and Shannon and Teri and Roman and Tishy and Junior and Na'Vell and Melissa and Carol and Andrea and Laken and Jim and Nicholas and Ingrid and everybody else who ever gave a damn about this town and the people in it."
Augusta moves her gun to the right, first shooting a picture of Pamela K. Long, then shooting one of Paul Rauch, and lastly, shooting a portrait of Susan Lee. She finally takes aim at Kelly (ED).
"Say good-bye, Kelly Capwell"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Kelly shrieks as she wakes up on the Capwell sofa. Rosa, Santana, and CC come rushing in.
"Kelly, Kelly what is it?" CC asks.
"It was awful. I was so ugly and I was in love with Cruz and I wasn't a real blonde. And Santana- you were singing "La Cuka Ratcha" and dancing all over my father. Mama was popping pills and sleeping with a man 1/2 her age. Warren was gay, Augusta had been committed, Cruz had a long-lost daughter and daddy, I kid you not, she was a member of the most boring family I've ever seen, especially considering the families that have lived in this town...."
"Relax honey, it was just a dream. Now why don't you go upstairs and head to bed?"
Kelly hugs her father and starts to walk up the stairs. She turns around and looks back at the foyer, where she sees CC, Santana, and Rosa simultaneously pulling cigarettes out of their mouths and snuffing them on the floor. Julia walks in and does the same, followed by Eden, Mason, Mary, Ted, Angela, Sophia, and Gina, all following suit, taking a puff of their cigarettes, and putting them out on the Capwell floor, like zombies. Eventually, the whole town is walking in & out of the foyer, putting out their cigarettes, as they pile high on the floor, practically reaching Kelly standing on the stairs.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Kelly screams as she runs up the stairs.
THE END..................for TODAY!!!
By the way, the 'surprise' at the beginning of the episode is permanent! Check the cast crawl....