I had a realization last night that I need some kind of help. I guess I was denying that my depression would come back. I thought that once I was out of high school and in college that it would go away, but I think that it just got worse instead. I'm going to schedule an appointment with the counseling services tomorrow, and I'll probably have an appointment after spring break. Then, I'll just ask to see a psychologist so I can get on medication. Honestly, I don't care anymore. I need to overcome my fear of taking these pills because obviously my problems aren't going to go away naturally. It's like my life is stuck in netrual, and no matter how hard I try, there's still no progress.
I knew there was a problem when I was standing there in the shower at midnight last night just crying. It was almost as if I had no idea of what was going on. I was just standing doing nothing but crying for 15 minutes. Afterwards, all I could think about was how I needed to go to sleep because then everything would go away and I could start all over again today. Now, though, I feel just as lousy. I know that I shouldn't be stressing myself out, but I kind of have to because I have so much due. I know that there's only 3 days left until I'm on break, but I'm starting to doubt that I can handle even that. Realistically it's not a lot of work. I have already done my History essay, I have 2 pages done of my Women's Studies essay (out of 5--which I will finish tonight), an Econ midterm which doesn't look too bad (which I will study for tomorrow), and a Spanish composition that's 1 1/2 pages and not due until Friday. If I don't bother with the reading (which is very easy for WS and Econ, but not-so-easy for History and Spanish), I don't have anything else to do. I guess I should just realize that I'm not that deep in work. Hopefully, finishing the WS essay (which is rather easy now that I've started it) will allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I also haven't been eating well. Last night I skipped dinner, and today I had a SlimFast bar, a half a bagel, and some chips--as well as a cup of coffee. I think I need to lay off the caffeine. Last night I had two cups, but I was still tired. Obviously, caffeine means nothing to my body because I've become so immune to it, so I shouldn't bother drinking it to help me concentrate.
Here's my self-remedy:
--stop stressing out
--drink lots of water
--don't drink caffeine
--bed at 11.30
--wear a sports bra...because underwires make me feel even worse because the wire pushes up against my heart and makes it feel like I'm having heart attack.